Wealth and Honor

Helping Families Navigate the Financial Challenges of Age Transitions

Sibling Rivalry and Trust Troubles: Removing a Trustee for Being a Pain

April 10, 2025 / / 0 Comments

Family trusts are often established with the best intentions: to secure a family’s legacy, ensure a smooth transfer of wealth, and provide for future generations. However, what happens when the individuals entrusted to manage these assets—often family members themselves—find themselves embroiled in conflict? A 2020 Texas case, Ramirez v. Rodriguez, [No. 04-19-00618-CV; Fourth Court of Appeals; San Antonio, Texas; Decided Feb 19, 2020] offers a compelling example of how family dynamics can undermine even the most well-intentioned estate plans. 

The Ramirez Family: A Texas Story ​

The Ramirez family’s story is possibly a classic Texas tale. While the court transcripts do not provide detailed information about the family’s history or the reasons behind the creation of the trust, we can speculate that over generations, they accumulated significant land holdings, primarily used for ranching. The discovery of oil and gas on their property transformed their fortunes. As wise stewards of their newfound wealth, the Ramirez family may have recognized the importance of preserving their assets for future generations. Rather than dividing the mineral royalties into smaller, fractured interests among numerous heirs, they made the prudent decision to create a trust. This trust was designed to consolidate the management of the royalty interests, ensuring a stable and consistent income stream for the family for years to come. 

The Setup: A Family Affair

In 1977, the Ramirez family established the Ramirez Mineral Trust to manage their oil, gas, and mineral interests. The trust agreement appointed four co-trustees, all family members, and stipulated that any action required the agreement of three out of the four. By 2008, the co-trustees were Santiago, Sonia, Victor, and Javier. This arrangement, intended to provide balanced oversight, eventually became a source of significant conflict. 

The Plot Thickens: Accusations and Lawsuits

The situation began to deteriorate when Santiago and Ancient Sunlight, Ltd. (a company linked to the trust) filed a lawsuit against Sonia in 2019, alleging breach of fiduciary duty and breach of trust. The other co-trustees—Sonia, Victor, and Javier—responded with a petition to remove Santiago as co-trustee, citing “other cause for removal” under the Texas Trust Code. 

The accusations against Santiago were numerous and detailed. He was accused of sending unauthorized communications, undermining trust operations, and alienating key stakeholders. While many of these actions might seem like minor disagreements, some rose to the level of significantly disrupting the trust’s operations. 

Disruptive Actions: Examples from the Case

One key example was Santiago’s communication with the trust’s former accountants. He sent letters and emails, without the authority of the other co-trustees, questioning their services and fees. This not only created a hostile environment but also led the accountants to decline further engagement with the trust. As a result, the trust incurred additional legal fees to locate a new auditor, diverting resources away from its primary purpose. 

Another significant disruption involved Santiago’s communications with Chesapeake, a company involved in oil and gas operations on the trust’s land. Santiago attempted to negotiate with them independently, without the consensus of the other co-trustees. This undermined the trust’s collective decision-making process and created confusion and uncertainty for Chesapeake, potentially jeopardizing valuable business relationships. 

These actions, among others, painted a picture of Santiago as someone who was not only difficult to work with but was actively hindering the trust’s ability to function effectively. 

The Legal Tango: Citizens Participation Act

Santiago argued that the lawsuit against him was an attack on his right to free speech and right to petition. He sought to dismiss the case under the Texas Citizens Participation Act, but the trial court didn’t rule in time, and the motion was denied by operation of law. 

The appeals court then had to decide whether the trial court’s denial was correct. The key question: Did Sonia, Victor, and Javier present enough evidence to establish a “prima facie case” that Santiago’s actions warranted his removal? 

The Verdict: Hostility Impeding Performance

The court sided with Sonia, Victor, and Javier. They found that Santiago’s actions were impeding the proper performance of the Trust. The court highlighted emails and letters demonstrating Santiago’s unilateral actions, his accusations of “conflicts, concealment, [and] corruption,” and his overall disruptive behavior. 

The Takeaway: Family, Finances, and Fiduciary Duty

This case underscores the challenges that arise when family members are appointed as co-trustees, especially when personal agendas and conflicting opinions come into play. While the Ramirez family’s initial decision to create a trust was a wise one, the selection of co-trustees ultimately led to significant conflict and operational challenges. 

A Better Solution?

Perhaps it’s time to consider professional trustees. Independent fiduciaries bring expertise, impartiality, and a focus on the best interests of the beneficiaries. They can navigate complex financial decisions, manage disputes, and ensure that the trust operates smoothly, without the added drama of family dynamics. 

While it might seem impersonal, a professional trustee can be the key to preserving family wealth and avoiding the kind of legal battles that can tear families apart. Sometimes, the best way to ensure a trust fulfills its intended purpose is to bring in a neutral party who can focus on the bottom line, without getting caught in the crossfire of family disagreements. 

When political values collide with Mom’s Need for Care: One Reader’s Crisis of Conscience. 

March 10, 2025 /

"I find myself in a very conflicted position. I am 62 years old. I am a politically conservative person who has long believed that entitlement programs were a big part of this country's problems, and that Medicaid especially is responsible for creating a dependency on the government. Here's my situation: My 91 year old mother has depleted the savings that she and my dad worked to build, paying for care over the past five years. In five years, we have paid almost $400,000 between full-time sitters or nursing home care. Now she's out of money and the nursing home staff is telling me to apply for Medicaid for her. I could bring her home, but that would mean either me or my wife would have to quit our jobs or cut back on hours, and neither option is a good one. I can't afford to pay for her care out of my own pocket without severely impacting my own retirement, yet that's always been my belief - that families should take care of their own and not depend on the government. I'm in a real quandary as this goes directly against my beliefs, but I don't know what to do. I am an only child so there is no other family who can help."

Bill T.

First, you have my deepest respect for honestly confronting this clash of values that you have described. My personal opinion is that there may not be such a collision of values as you think. You seem to have taken personal responsibility for the care of your aging mother for the past five years, ensuring that the savings that your parents worked hard to accumulate have been used for her care in the best way possible. The fact that you feel conflicted about filing for Medicaid sounds less like a political view than a desire to continue that responsibility. You are certainly not alone as more aging parents from all political persuasions will likely need Medicaid’s assistance, and I want to gently challenge your belief that such programs only perpetuate government dependency.  

Medicaid's Founding and Purpose

Medicaid was established in 1965 as part of the Social Security Act, with the purpose of providing health coverage to low-income individuals and families. Initially targeted at families receiving cash assistance, the program has since expanded to cover a broader population, including pregnant women, children, elderly adults, and individuals with disabilities. As of 2023, Medicaid covers over 83 million Americans, making it the largest source of health coverage in the United States. Medicaid is jointly funded by the federal and state governments, with total spending exceeding $600 billion annually. The program plays a crucial role in ensuring access to healthcare for millions of Americans who might otherwise be unable to afford it. 

Criticisms of Medicaid

However, the cost and expansion of Medicaid have raised concerns among political conservatives. They argue that the rising expenditures place a significant burden on federal and state budgets, potentially diverting funds from other essential services. Additionally, some conservatives believe that the expansion of Medicaid encourages dependency on government assistance rather than promoting self-sufficiency.  

Furthermore, well-documented cases of Medicaid fraud and abuse have contributed to a negative perception of Medicaid among many, but especially among more conservative Americans.

Reconsider Your Conflict

When people with conservative beliefs about personal responsibility face the need for help, such as caring for an aging parent without savings, they may encounter a conflict. Their value of financial independence clashes with the necessity to use government programs like Medicaid, which they previously saw as fostering dependency.  

But is this really a moral and ideological dilemma that forces you to reconsider your beliefs in the light of your responsibilities and the stark financial realities you are confronting? The prevailing theme expressed by your beliefs seems to be taking responsibility, and you could consider that getting Medicaid support for your mother during what is likely the last remaining years of her life IS taking responsibility.   

Applying for Medicaid does not negate the commitment to caring for your aging mother. Instead, it acknowledges the practical realities of the high costs associated with long-term care. By securing financial assistance, you are ensuring that your mother receives the best possible care, which is a responsible and loving act. Rather than creating dependency and irresponsibility in you, here are three things getting Medicaid for your mother would allow you to do.

  1. Maintain Active Involvement: Even with Medicaid support, you can remain actively involved in your mother’s care. Regular visits, advocating for her needs, and staying informed about her health and well-being demonstrate your ongoing commitment and responsibility. 
  2. Focus on Quality of Life: By alleviating the financial burden through Medicaid, you can focus more on enhancing your mother’s quality of life. This might include spending more meaningful time with her, engaging in activities she enjoys, and ensuring she feels loved and supported. 
  3. Preserve Financial Stability: Seeking Medicaid assistance can help preserve your financial stability, allowing you to continue fulfilling other responsibilities and maintaining your independence. This approach ensures that you can care for your mother without compromising your own well-being and future. 

So let yourself off the hook. You haven’t compromised your values, but perhaps you can see others in a more compassionate way. How many other Medicaid recipients value personal responsibility, but circumstances gave them few options but to accept the safety net that Medicaid offers? It’s ok to support Medicaid reform in order to make it more fiscally sound and free from fraud and abuse while also acknowledging its value to those who need it most. 

Hollywood Cases Highlight the Benefits of Long Term Care Trusts.

March 4, 2025 /

When planning for long-term care, many individuals focus on purchasing insurance or setting aside assets to cover future expenses. However, financial abuse and mismanagement can derail even the best-laid plans. A long-term care trust offers a structured, protective approach to ensuring that funds are used appropriately, especially when an individual is no longer able to manage their own affairs.

What Is a Long-Term Care Trust?

A long-term care trust is a standby revocable trust designed to provide financial oversight for an individual’s long-term care needs. While the settlor (the person creating the trust) is capable, they retain control over the trust assets. However, the trust includes springing provisions—legal language that allows a successor trustee to step in and take over management if the settlor is deemed incapacitated.

The trust can own various assets, including long-term care insurance policies, life insurance policies with long-term care riders, and liquid assets designated for care-related expenses. Once the successor trustee takes over, they are responsible for filing insurance claims, paying expenses from the trust, and managing trust assets to ensure care needs are met.

Lessons from the John Amos and Mickey Rooney Cases

One of the most compelling reasons to consider a long-term care trust is to prevent financial exploitation, as tragically illustrated in the John Amos and Mickey Rooney cases.

John Amos, a well-known actor, who died in 2014, has been called a victim of elder financial abuse by his adult children, each claiming that the abuse was perpetrated by the other. 

Mickey Rooney, another famous actor, provided powerful testimony before Congress about the financial abuse he endured in his later years. Rooney described how he was isolated, financially exploited, and left without access to his own money. His testimony shed light on the widespread issue of elder financial abuse and the devastating impact it can have on an individual’s dignity and well-being.

A long-term care trust may have helped prevent such abuse by placing financial oversight in the hands of a designated trustee rather than leaving assets vulnerable to manipulation by infighting siblings or self-serving outsiders. With a properly structured trust, all care-related expenses are managed transparently and according to predefined terms, reducing the risk of unauthorized withdrawals or misuse.

Key Benefits of a Long-Term Care Trust

  1. Ensures Funds Are Used for Care Needs
    By designating a trust to own long-term care policies and other assets, funds are explicitly earmarked for care expenses. This prevents potential misappropriation by well-meaning but financially strained family members.

  2. Streamlines Insurance Claims and Payments
    Managing long-term care insurance claims can be overwhelming, especially when a person is already facing health challenges. The trustee, as the legal owner of the policy, handles all paperwork, ensuring that claims are filed correctly and benefits are used as intended.

  3. Protects Against Financial Exploitation
    With a structured oversight system in place, there is a clear fiduciary duty to manage funds appropriately. The trustee must follow the trust’s terms, keeping records and providing transparency that minimizes opportunities for fraud or undue influence.

  4. Reduces Family Conflicts and Burdens
    Family members often struggle with decisions about paying for care, especially when different parties have competing financial interests. A long-term care trust provides clear guidelines, removing ambiguity and reducing potential disputes.

  5. Offers Continuity and Professional Management
    If a person becomes incapacitated, the transition of financial management is seamless. The springing provision allows for immediate oversight by the successor trustee, avoiding court intervention or delays that could disrupt care.

Selecting the Right Trustee: The Case for a Professional

Perhaps the most critical decision when establishing a long-term care trust is choosing the right trustee. While some individuals select a family member, this can create conflicts of interest, emotional strain, and potential mismanagement. Instead, using a professional trustee—either an institutional trustee (such as a bank trust department) or an independent professional trustee—offers significant advantages:

  • Objectivity – A professional trustee is neutral and bound by fiduciary duties, making decisions based on the trust’s terms rather than personal interests.

  • Expertise – Managing long-term care expenses requires financial, legal, and insurance knowledge that a professional trustee brings to the table.

  • Accountability – Unlike family members, professional trustees are legally required to keep records, report transactions, and manage funds prudently.

  • Reliability – Professionals are available long-term and will not face personal circumstances (such as illness or financial hardship) that might interfere with management duties.

A long-term care trust is a powerful tool for ensuring that assets are managed effectively, claims are handled properly, and financial abuse is prevented. By structuring the trust with springing provisions and selecting a professional trustee, individuals can safeguard their care needs and provide peace of mind for themselves and their families.

In a world where financial abuse and care mismanagement are real threats, a well-crafted long-term care trust offers a practical, protective, and proactive solution. Whether planning for yourself or helping a loved one, considering this option is a smart financial move that can make all the difference when it matters most.

When Our Care Plans Went Off-The-Rails

February 21, 2025 /

When my parents approached or passed 80 years, they lived more than 500 miles from my siblings and me. As they and their friends aged, the writing became clearly written on the wall of their minds. They needed to be closer to family. As they considered their options, the one that seemed to make the most sense was a highly rated CCRC facility only 15 minutes from us that would allow them to live independently in a detached home, with access to Assisted Living, Memory Care, and Skilled Nursing all within the same campus.

The Move Into a CCRC Facility

They paid a significant entry fee of approximately $290,000 in 2009 as well as a monthly fee of around $3,000 that guaranteed them continual care for the remainder of their lives. In addition, future costs were predictable. The fixed monthly fee would only increase slightly each year, but that was much less than the monthly rate they would pay if either of them entered any of the care units only when they needed it.  Prepaying while they were independent also gave them priority status over those who lived outside the CCRC campus on room availability.

About four years later, dad’s dementia got worse, and he moved to the memory care unit just down the street from their house. Not long after that, he was moved to the skilled nursing facility where he died within a year. Mom continued to live in independent housing for the next 10 years and maintained an active social life. 

The Impact of COVID on Facility Staffing

In 2020-2021 during the Covid-19 pandemic, nursing homes around the country were limiting or curtailing visitation of family members. At the same time, nursing homes and other care facilities around the country were experiencing severe shortages of workers, either lost by attrition during the pandemic, or those who were working dropped out of the workforce and either did not return or found work elsewhere. Little did we know how this would impact mom‘s care later.  

Mom's Move to Skilled Nursing Care

In late 2023, at age 94, mom suffered a bad fall resulting in stroke–like cognitive impairment that required her to move into the skilled nursing facility of the CCRC. She was also a fall risk, so leaving her unattended for even the shortest period risks her getting out of the bed or her chair (which she has done on more than one occasion), thus far avoiding a severe injury. We were informed by the staff that they did not have enough workers to monitor mom close enough to prevent a fall, so we were encouraged to hire private, 24/7 sitters for mom, because even at night when she is sleeping, she will try getting out of bed on her own.  

Our Financial Plans Went Off the Rails

Financially, we are blessed. Mom and Dad had enough resources to enter a facility that is not feasible for many. However, the long term plan did not consider that in addition to the CCRC’s cost, we would also need to add private sitter costs on top of the CCRC cost. We believed – rightly or wrongly – that the CCRC would be all they would ever need from the time of their move until they both died. Now, fifteen years after their initial move to the CCRC, they have paid over $1 million to the CCRC and are currently paying nearly $20,000 per month because of the additional care we are having to hire privately.  

As the financial planner for my parents when all of this began, I am lamenting my unpreparedness for this contingency – not because it means less of an inheritance for my siblings and I (we’ve all been given more than we deserve) but because financial planning is largely about adding certainly to uncertain outcomes, and I believed that the CCRC option provided more certainty. We may have still chosen the CCRC  for many other reasons, but it was a mistake to think that costs would be predictable.  After forty years practicing financial planning, if there is one lesson on repeat in my own life, it is that nothing is certain, and financial plans are best made using a pencil with a very fat eraser.  

Moral of the Story

The moral to this story is that long term care is expensive. It is unpredictable, uncertain, and will look different than what you plan for. If receiving care is in your future – meaning you don’t die on the way towards some level of dependency – over-insure for it, over-estimate the cost of it, plan for receiving it longer than you think, and if you do have the resources to self-insure for it, discuss your plans with your heirs or adult children before you need care. Otherwise, that bumper sticker you used to see on the back of an RV traveling down the highway, might best be saved for the door of your room at the care facility. 

 Comparing and Contrasting Advanced Aging and Wealth Disparities 

February 18, 2025 /

Early in my career, my sales manager asked his group of trainees of which I was one, “what is the difference between and elderly gentleman and an old man.” His response... “Money.”

Aging is an inescapable aspect of the human experience, and yet, the pathways through advanced age can be profoundly affected by various socio-economic factors, particularly wealth disparities. While financial resources impact access to care and quality of life for older adults, wealth alone does not guarantee a positive aging experience. Instead, the availability of resources often hinges on the willingness and commitment of caregivers, healthcare professionals, and community systems to provide adequate support. 

Physical Health 

As we enter advanced age, we inevitably face a range of physical challenges, including chronic illnesses, mobility issues, and sensory declines. While the wealthier among us may typically enjoy better overall health outcomes due to greater access to quality healthcare, nutrition, and supportive living environments, having financial means does not inherently ensure effective care.   

Access to healthcare requires not only financial resources but also a network of committed healthcare providers, family members, and community support systems. Wealthy individuals might struggle if their caregivers are untrained, unavailable, or unwilling to facilitate their healthcare needs. Even with the best financial means, older adults can encounter barriers if there are no supportive systems in place to bridge the gap between available resources and personal needs. Michael Jackson had immense wealth and popularity, but towards the end of his life, he faced significant financial and personal challenges. Despite his financial resources, he had ongoing battles with management and family members over how his wealth was managed and was often surrounded by individuals who may not have had his best interests at heart. 

Additionally, affluent seniors may have access to physical therapy, personal trainers, or wellness programs, but their benefits depend largely on the commitment and expertise of those administering the services. If caregivers lack the necessary skills or motivation to engage individuals in maintaining their physical health, the impact of wealth can be diminished. Therefore, it becomes crucial to recognize that financial ability without the support of capable caregivers may not translate to better health outcomes in aging. 

Psychological Well-being 

The psychological dimensions of aging are equally complex, with the implications of financial status playing a pivotal role in mental health. Feelings of loneliness and depression are profound concerns for seniors, particularly those facing the isolation that can accompany advancing age. Wealth can potentially provide mechanisms to combat loneliness—such as access to social clubs, travel, or companionship services—but again, financial means do not guarantee emotional well-being. Howard Hughes, the world’s first billionaire, suffered from years of self-neglect and declining mental health. 

Wealthy individuals often benefit from networks that can provide such engagement, but they remain dependent on the reliability and affection of those around them. A lack of authentic connection can lead to feelings of emptiness, regardless of financial security. Conversely, seniors with limited financial means may find solace and community among family and friends, fostering psychological resilience even in the face of economic constraints. 

Moreover, the attitudes and values of society toward aging can affect how both wealthy and impoverished individuals perceive their aging experience. In cultures that devalue the elderly or view aging as a burden, both wealth and poverty can lead to feelings of despair. What is required, therefore, is not just a financial remedy but a cultural shift that underscores the importance of maintaining psychological health through connection and mutual respect. 

Cultural Perceptions 

Cultural contexts wield considerable influence over the experiences of aging and perceptions of dignity. In societies that honor elders, aging is often regarded as a time of wisdom and respect, with cultural rituals and familial support playing crucial roles regardless of economic status. Here, dignity can be preserved through community engagement and intergenerational connections, promoting a rich sense of belonging. 

However, wealth-driven cultures may regard aging more negatively, often associating it with decline and reduced productivity. This perspective can be particularly damaging for those who are financially disadvantaged. Yet, wealthier individuals are not entirely insulated from ageism—experiences of bias can still permeate their lives if society does not respect and value older adults. Actor Micky Rooney’s family gained control over his assets and personal freedom, even as the actor was objecting to the very authorities that were in place to protect him. Only after hiring and taking legal action, did he prevail with regaining his autonomy. 

The key to maintaining dignity across cultural spectrums lies in fostering environments that are inclusive and supportive. This can be achieved through community programs that promote understanding and appreciation of aging and encourage engagement between generations. Such initiatives can help bridge the gap between economic divides, reinforcing the idea that respect for elders should not be predicated on financial status. 

Dignity and Integrity Across Wealth Status 

Ultimately, dignity and integrity are universal entitlements that transcend financial circumstances. Regardless of wealth, all individuals deserve recognition and respect for their life journeys. The challenge lies in creating a society that honors this belief and ensures equitable access to resources and support. All of the world’s wisdom traditions include honoring elders as one of its core tenants, but we have a history of unobservance. Jesus rebuked the Pharisees for their legalistic adherence to tithing, while they pardoned parental neglect (Matthew 15:1-9).  

One promising trend is the development of intergenerational relationships that enable older adults to share their wisdom and experiences while offering younger generations insights into the realities of aging. In doing so, society nurtures an environment where all elders feel valued and empowered. 

In this world view, it matters not whether someone accesses care and services through charity, Medicaid, or from personal wealth, each is treated the same.  

The relationship between advanced aging and wealth disparities presents both opportunities and challenges. While financial resources can significantly influence physical health, psychological well-being, and cultural perceptions, they do not exist in isolation. The availability of these resources ultimately hinges on the commitment and compassion of caregivers, family members, and community networks. By recognizing and embracing the inherent dignity of every individual, regardless of their financial situation, society can cultivate an environment where all older adults are respected, valued, and supported in their journey through aging. In this way, the focus shifts from the limitations imposed by wealth disparities to the shared human experience of aging, highlighting the importance of connection, mutual respect, and integrity. 

When Mom or Dad Want to Marry…at 80!

February 14, 2025 /

It’s Valentine’s week and romance is in the air. One of the joys I get from lunching with Mom at her retirement community is to hear the latest gossip about the budding romances among the residents, most of whom are well into their 80’s and 90’s. There have been more than a few marriages that result from these new relationships, most occurring after a fairly brief courtship. As one fellow remarked to me one day, “son, at our age, it’s dangerous to buy greenn bananas.”

If you are the adult child of an aging parent who also happens to be single, you may one day be introduced to a “special friend” in their life. Normally, your reaction may be something like, “how cute” or “way to go Dad” but if the relationship quickly becomes more serious or if you’re suddenly asked to give your blessing to their marriage, this can be a very troubling event. In preparation for writing this article, I googled “aging parent wants to get remarried” and most of the search results were forum posts from adult children seeking advice on how to deal with Mom or Dad’s new romance that has gone from sweet to sour because now they want to get married!

All sorts of questions run through your mind and you may find yourself experiencing anger, fear, or resentment at the prospect of this person interrupting Mom or Dad’s perfectly lonely existence. Somewhere in-between the extremes of “I forbid it” (like that’s gonna work) and “It’s your life, do what you want” can be found a position of legitimate care for their happiness and concern that they not be hurt by the experience. Recently a judge intervened in the marriage of a couple in their mid-nineties due to concerns expressed by the bride’s daughter questioning the marriage’s legitimacy.

In his article titled “How to Deal With an Elderly Parent’s Remarriage – Resolving Issues” author and financial advisor Michael Lewis, gives some wise advice when talking to your aging parent about their choice to remarry late in life.

  • Be Respectful. You are speaking with the one remaining person who brought you into this world and who will always love you.

  • Try to Put Yourself In Your Parent’s Position. They are trying to make the best of a very difficult situation. They seek your blessing and understanding, so listen carefully and thoughtfully before making your own point or expressing your doubts.

  • Avoid Accusations, Recriminations, and Ultimatums. Your parent has already experienced and worked through the guilt often associated with remarriage after the death of the spouse.

  • Curb Your Instincts to Attack or Belittle Your Parent’s Choice of Mate. It is never a good idea to potentially offend your mother or father in such a petty manner.

On the other hand, there may be legitimate concerns about Mom or Dad’s new relationship. Studies show that as we age our brain’s ability to make sound judgments becomes impaired. This is not necessarily dementia, just biology. Most state laws include an elderly person in a group called “vulnerable adults” because of this biological fact.  

Three factors contribute to the vulnerability of an older person: diminished capacity, lack of informed consent, and undue influence. Each of these could be at work in an older person’s romantic relationship and any one of them would give question to the legitimacy of a marriage. For example, if Mom has diminished capacity – a condition that may have to be proven by a qualified physician – she might not have the legal capacity to enter into a marriage contract. Or suppose she has capacity but was not given enough information to give informed consent when she signed over control of her assets to her new spouse in a durable power of attorney. Or maybe she did know exactly what she was doing but signed the power of attorney to her new spouse anyway because he told her if she did not sign it, he would not take care of her in her old age, which would be subjecting her to undue influence. 

The best way to prevent either of these vulnerabilities from hurting either party is to have an honest conversation with your parent about your concerns. If you sense this new “special” person has interests other than companionship, then intervention might be required, but hopefully this can be avoided by remaining respectful of each of them and involving neutral parties. While keeping in mind the points that Michael Lewis makes above, I suggest a meeting with other family members and a neutral mediator.

Ask Mom or Dad if they are open to discussing their marriage with a family counselor, clergy member, or attorney.  It could be that a more neutral party will come across as less threatening than you and they may be more willing to listen to that person than to you.  Speak openly about your concerns over property and other assets. Even if you have blessed the marriage and no sign of the three areas of vulnerability are evident, they will likely be unaware or unconcerned about property and financial division. Have them meet with an estate attorney or other qualified advisor who can help them understand the complexities of blending two financial households. Once they realize the burden this might place on their surviving children, they will more likely be willing to take the appropriate steps.

It seems that many adult children assume the proper role of a parent who becomes widowed late in life is to just remain that way for the rest of their life. In doing so, we diminish their dignity by denying them the companionship and affection that they enjoyed for 50 or 60 years as if that need vanishes when their spouse predeceases them. Instead, we could adopt the same position as we might with our own adult children: blessing a relationship that makes them happy while protecting them if we can from those that might hurt them. It’s a delicate balancing act on either end of the age spectrum. 

A Good Trustee Should Possess Competency AND Character

February 4, 2025 /

Trusts are a commonly used tool for individuals and families to preserve wealth for younger generations, protecting inheritances from both internal and external threats, or providing management of complex family assets for the benefit of family members and others. Stated simply, a trust is a legal arrangement between three parties – a Settlor who creates the trust; a Trustee who manages the trust; and a Beneficiary (or beneficiaries) who benefits from the trust. The agreement will have its own set of instructions for the trustee that direct the trustee on how to manage the property and when to give property – or the income derived from it – to the beneficiary. The trust must also have a termination date – a future time when the property of the trust is distributed to the surviving beneficiaries. Until then, which can be one hundred years or more, the property is held under the control of the trustee who manages it according to the original settlor’s wishes.

Trusts have also been described as pre-arranged marriages between beneficiaries and a trustee and like any marriage, work best when there is good communication between the parties. A trustee owes a unilateral duty of loyalty to the beneficiaries he or she is responsible for. With such an important and generational role, I am amazed at how little thought goes into choosing a trustee. I would like to suggest that there are four qualities to look for in a trustee that will help make the trustee – beneficiary relationship one that works well for all parties. These qualities apply to both individuals selected for this role such as family members, as well as to professional trustees.

When most people think of the characteristics of a professional trustee, they often focus on the trustee’s competency. However, aside from these minimum required qualifications – such as asset management expertise, administrative accuracy, and knowledge of fiduciary law – most of the conflicts that occur between trustees and trust beneficiaries are due to a breakdown in the character qualities of communication, collaboration, and connection. The graphic below illustrates the importance of both the competency and character attributes of a trustee.

Competency – Minimum Job Requirements

Any professional trustee who is authorized to act as trustee by the appropriate regulatory authority should be able to demonstrate core competency in asset management – that is the prudent investment and management of the assets placed in the trustee’s care; administrative capacity, which has to do with accurate record-keeping, following processes and procedures, and reporting to trust beneficiaries; and knowledge of trust law, which governs the actions of trustees and establishes standards of professional conduct and responsibility. Conflicts between beneficiaries and trustees are often due to a failure or “breach” in one of these competency areas on the part of the trustee. However, close examination of the court transcripts where these conflicts occasionally get argued, reveal that problems in the trustee-beneficiary relationship began long before the breach occurred.

Character Qualities: The Margin of Difference

Communication         

 Like with any relationship, good communication is key to making the trustee-beneficiary relationship a positive experience for everyone. Frankly, without clear, frequent, and open communication, the trustee-beneficiary relationship is doomed. At best, there will be tension between the parties and unmet expectations. At worst, the conflicts that will inevitably result may lead to costly litigation, fractured relationships, and loss of trust assets. Communication should go beyond simply providing an annual statement or reviewing the investment performance of trust assets. Important as this is, this level of communicating belongs more under competency standards than character qualities.

Communication that improves the quality of the relationship means that a trustee spends time with the beneficiaries in order to truly understand their personal and financial circumstances so that the trustee can make decisions that are in the best interests of the beneficiary. Many trusts instruct trustees to exercise discretion when it comes to doling out trust funds for beneficiaries, and to base their discretion on broad standards such as “support, maintenance, education, or health.”

Frankly, if the trustee is only available at the end of an 800# or is a long-distance trustee with no personal knowledge of the beneficiary’s individual needs, the level of communication will be insufficient to exercise the discretion required or to even know how to apply a support standard.

Collaboration

 Collaboration means that the trustee and beneficiaries agree to work together, with one another, as well as with others whose talents or history with the beneficiary family can help to accomplish the financial and aspirational goals that a trust has for its beneficiaries. For example, trustees may need to work with other professionals – investment advisors, property managers, legal and tax advisors, mineral managers, etc. – in order to effectively serve the beneficiaries and best manage the trust property.

Likewise, collaboration with beneficiaries by including them in the decision process and communicating the value of their input will only improve the quality of the relationship even though the final decision rests with the trustee.  The more collaborative the relationship between a trustee and a beneficiary can be, the less likely will conflicts erupt, and when they do, a collaborative approach to resolving the conflict can be achieved.

Connection

Connection seems to be especially challenging for those of us who are professional trustees. We often hide our empathy with beneficiaries behind the more technical aspects of our job and thereby fail to connect to beneficiaries at a human level. On the one hand, trustees must not allow emotions to interfere with their objective discretion and should not be influenced by the manipulative behavior that some beneficiaries have mastered.

On the other hand, trustees are frequently put in the position of mentor or surrogate, a role that is poorly performed when we fail to connect with beneficiaries. Helping a young beneficiary evaluate a business opportunity or buy their first home means walking alongside them in the process. When they think it’s a good idea to buy a $50,000 sports car when they are 18, a compassionate trustee can guide them into better decision-making as opposed to simply denying the request. This kind of connection is difficult to achieve if the trustee you have chosen is across the country or detached from the beneficiary.

Even when the trustee is an institution, there is always a person representing that institution whose job it is to understand the needs of trust beneficiaries and to carry out the intentions of the trust’s creator consistent with the worded agreement. Discretion should be subject to a checks and balances team that brings collective wisdom and objectivity to every situation where discretion is necessary.

So when it’s time to plan your legacy, think carefully about who you will entrust to carry it out.

Son of aging patriarch wants to maintain his dad’s honor.

January 28, 2025 /

I come from a family of significant wealth. My father is now 81 years old, and while he seems mentally sharp, some of his decision-making has been uncharacteristic. He recently made a large donation to a charity he had never given to before. He is a proud man, and reluctant to give up control, even though there are things in place when the time comes. How do we broach the subject with him and what can we do if he refuses to accept the facts? We want him to keep his dignity and position.

Manuel V.
Navigating Conversations About Wealth and Aging with Grace

In families where financial success has been a hallmark, discussions surrounding wealth, control, and legacy can be tough—especially as parents age. Your father’s recent charitable contributions may raise concerns, but it’s essential to approach this sensitive subject with empathy and respect. Here’s how you can navigate these delicate conversations while preserving his dignity and allowing him to feel valued as the patriarch of the family.

Understanding the Situation

First, it’s important to recognize that many factors can influence decision-making as we age. Aging by itself does not necessarily lead to poor decision-making or dementia. Just look at Warren Buffet and Charlie Munger! While your father may still be mentally sharp, the complexities of life—both personal and financial—can lead to decisions that seem uncharacteristic. However, before you leap to conclusions, seeking to understand his motivations could serve as a foundation for a productive conversation. Perhaps his charitable donation stems from a newfound passion, a desire to leave an impactful legacy, or even a change in perspectives about wealth and its purpose. 

Offer a Safe Space for Dialogue

Instead of confronting your father with concerns about his decision-making, create a comfortable atmosphere to discuss his feelings about wealth and legacy. Consider inviting him to share his thoughts during a leisurely meal or while engaging in activities he enjoys. Approach the conversation with an open heart, focused on the emotions behind his actions rather than the actions themselves. This doesn’t merely preserve his dignity; it also fosters connection, allowing him to voice his values and aspirations openly.

Engaging with Empathy

When you do address the topic, use “I” statements to express your feelings. For instance, “I feel concerned when I see you making decisions that seem different from what I know about you,” can invite a thoughtful dialogue, as opposed to “You need to stop making these kinds of decisions.” By framing your concerns in a personal way, you reduce the chances of triggering defensiveness and encourage an exchange of ideas.

Find Common Ground

Discussing your values around wealth can create a shared understanding. Explore the family’s legacy and your father’s vision for it versus your own aspirations. Ask questions like, “How do you envision our family’s impact in the community?” or “What causes have you always wanted to support?” This can lead to meaningful conversation about future donations, charitable engagements, or family philanthropy.

Easing Control Through Involvement

If your father shows reluctance to discuss his wealth management or the options you’ve prepped for the future, consider inviting him to participate in the planning process rather than sidelining him. Ask him for guidance or his ideas on legacy planning, investment strategies, or philanthropy initiatives. Validating his input can ease any feelings of loss over control and provide comfort in knowing that his opinions still hold weight.

Acknowledge His Fears

Social aging can evoke fears of loss—of autonomy, control, and identity. While you might fully understand the necessity of planning, your father may experience anxiety when contemplating his mortality or the redistribution of his wealth. Reassure him that your concerns stem from love and respect, and that preserving his legacy is the ultimate goal.

Acceptance and Action

If discussions reveal that your father is resistant to acknowledging potential declines in his decision-making capabilities, you might need to accept this reality gracefully. Allow him the space to control his narrative. However, it is vital to prepare for potential scenarios down the road. If discussions don’t lead to substantial change, subtle discussions about bringing in neutral third parties—such as financial advisors or family mediators—can create new avenues for guidance without negating his voice.

Preserving the Seat of Honor

Above all, it is crucial to maintain that seat of honor for your father. Celebrating his achievements, contributions, and wisdom will reinforce his sense of identity while you navigate these conversations. Family rituals, storytelling sessions about past adventures, and affirmations of his importance set a highly respectful groundwork for future discussions.

A Gentle Path Forward

Addressing the nuances of wealth and aging doesn’t have to compromise familial respect or affection. Approach conversations with understanding and empathy, and focus on preserving your father’s dignity throughout the process. The goal is to nurture a dialogue rooted in love while making sure he knows that his voice matters—now and in the future. As you engage in these talks, remember: it’s about collaboration, co-creating a vision for the future, and ensuring he feels cherished and in control every step of the way.

 
 
 
Mature woman (60s) helping elderly mother (90s) with paperwork.

Top Five New Year Resolutions for Financial Caregivers

January 14, 2025 /

As we enter a new year, many of us reflect on our goals and resolutions. For those who are stepping into the role of financial caregiver for an aging parent, the resolutions may take on a more personal and immediate significance. The transition into caregiving can be daunting, but with intentional planning and prioritization, you can provide meaningful support to your parent while also safeguarding your own well-being. Here are the top five priorities for financial caregivers to consider when making their New Year’s resolutions.

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