Wealth and Honor

Helping Families Navigate the Financial Challenges of Age Transitions

Dad has become “a Monster”

I know I'm supposed to keep a good attitude with my aging father. He moved in with us about six months ago after Mom died, but he has become a monster! He is demanding and expects me to wait on him hand and foot. He belittles me and is inconsiderate to my husband. He's even become suspicious of my handling his finances, which he is unable to do on his own due to his cognitive decline. I have two other siblings who live far away and they have no idea how difficult this is. I promised Mom I wouldn't put him in a nursing home, but this has become more difficult than I imagined.

Ah, the joys of caregiving—where the role of dutiful child transforms into an unexpected stint as a live-in ghostbuster. Take a moment to appreciate the ghastly twist your life has taken since your father moved in after your mother’s passing. What started as an extension of your compassion and hospitality has somehow morphed into a full-blown horror show. Six months in, he’s become a monster! It sounds like you’re living in a haunted house, filled with demands that would make even the most patient caretaker break out in a cold sweat.

As the days turn into a series of eerie encounters, navigating your father’s new demands must feel like you are a character in an Edgar Allen Poe short story. From expecting to be waited on hand and foot to belittling comments, the challenges of caregiving can resemble a horror movie gone awry. It’s natural to feel frustrated and overwhelmed when the person you’re trying to support appears possessed by something other than common courtesy.

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Free Lunch and ‘Free’ Care Likely Too Good to be True!

I take care of my 88 year old mother. Last month I attended a free lunch seminar offered by a company I'd never heard of, about Medicaid planning. It sounded like they could make arrangements so that all of mom's assets would be protected for me and my brother, and that Medicaid would pay for all of her nursing home expenses should we decide to move her to one. It sounded too good to be true. The company is not a law firm but they said they had lawyers working for them. They charge $5,000 to file all the paperwork for Mom to get qualified. Is this a fair price to pay and should I even get Mom on Medicaid?

There’s an old saying that if you take your problem to a carpenter whose only tool is a hammer, don’t be surprised if the solution requires a nail. As the caregiver for your 88-year-old mother, it’s completely understandable that you’re seeking the best options to protect her assets while also considering her healthcare needs. Unfortunately, some believe there is only one solution to the problem of paying for care. The situation becomes more complex, especially with the maze of options surrounding Medicaid and long-term care.

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From Financial Advisor to Financial Caregiver

As a financial advisor, I have the privilege of working with many older clients—married, divorced, and widowed—who have achieved success in their financial lives. A recurring theme in our discussions is their concern about aging and the impact they may have on their children. Together, we plan for the future, conduct family meetings, and ensure everything is in place for when the inevitable occurs—whether it be death or incapacity. However, my understanding of financial caregiving would soon be put to the test when I became the financial caregiver to my own parents. This dual role has revealed a fascinating yet challenging landscape, highlighting the profound emotional dynamics that emerge when personal relationships intertwine with professional responsibilities.

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“We only got the bank account:” Why Property Titles and Beneficiary Designations Matter.

My father passed away four months ago. Our mom had preceded him in death by several years, and three years ago, Dad married 'Jane' when he was 71 years old. After they married, Dad told me and my siblings that his will left everything to us. At that time, he had about $300,000 in the bank, a company retirement plan worth $800,000 and the house we were raised in. He sold the house after he and Jane married and bought a condo. Now the lawyer tells us that we're only getting what was in the bank accounts. Dad didn't change his will, so how could this have happened?

The loss of a loved one is a challenging and emotional experience, often compounded by the complexities of navigating their estate. This scenario underscores the vital role that legal title and beneficiary designations play in determining who receives property after someone’s passing. Understanding how assets are titled and the impact of federal laws such as the Employee Retirement Income Security Act (ERISA) is essential in estate planning.

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Reader asks, “What’s the difference between ‘assisted living’ and ‘nursing home care?

My father is 89 and seems to be forgetting things like taking his medications and practicing good hygiene. Last week, while visiting him at his home, it was clear he hadn't bathed for several days and he looked unkempt. I've been looking into nursing homes in the area where I live, but a friend suggested I look into an assisted living facility instead. What are the differences and is one generally more expensive than another?

It’s understandable to feel apprehensive when you notice changes in a loved one’s well-being, especially in their later years. Aging brings a myriad of challenges, and your attentiveness to these issues is commendable.

Your father’s situation—forgetting about medications and neglecting personal hygiene—is not uncommon among seniors. It can be difficult for them to maintain independence while also ensuring their needs are met adequately. Given these circumstances, exploring options like nursing homes and assisted living facilities is a wise move.

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Siblings concerned about Step-Mother’s Use of Trust Fund

My dad passed away about seven years ago and left a sizeable trust to his wife. The trust is supposed to take care of her for her life before passing to me and my three siblings when she dies. That's all we know about it. We think she is the trustee, but we've never asked because we want to avoid drama. We know she has other assets that she brought into the marriage so we hope she's not draining the trust at our expense. How do we go about finding out the details of this trust, such as how much is in it, what it's being used for, and who is in control of it?

This is a tough but very common family situation, caused in part, by a lack of communication about your dad’s plan while he was living. When your dad passed away and left a trust for your stepmother, it undoubtedly added layers to an already emotional situation. Now, faced with uncertainty about the trust’s details and anxious about its potential impact on your inheritance, you’re understandably concerned.

Finding out about the specifics of a family trust, especially when feelings run high, requires a gentle and thoughtful approach. Here’s some ways you can seek the information you need while preserving family harmony.

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How to Divide Sentimental Items in an Estate

My mom recently passed away and I am the executor of her will. The will is fairly simple with everything divided equally between me and my four siblings. The problem is that there are a lot of heirloom items, including art, jewelry, furnishings, and several sentimental items that I know several of us have an interest in. Some are worth quite a bit, but most of it holds only sentimental value. Since I am responsible for dividing these items equally, how can I fairly and objectively do this without it looking like I'm favoring myself?

First of all, I’d like to extend my heartfelt condolences for the loss of your mother. Navigating the complexities of grief while handling the responsibilities of being an executor can be an incredibly challenging task. It’s commendable that you’re seeking a fair and objective way to manage your mother’s legacy while honoring her memory and considering your siblings’ feelings.

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Dad has Alzheimer’s. Mom asked me to take over the finances. Where do I start?

I just found out my dad has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. My mom called me and through tears asked if I would take over their financial affairs while she tends to Dad's care. I have no idea where to start, what they have, or where to find anything. I think they are fairly well off. They live comfortably and own a vacation property in Idaho that we all use occasionally. I have an older brother, so I'm not sure if I have the authority to do anything. She did say they have Wills in a safe deposit box, but I don't know how to access it. What should I do now?

Receiving news about a loved one’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis is undoubtedly a heavy burden. It’s challenging to process the emotional ramifications, and on top of that, your mother is reaching out for help regarding their financial affairs. It’s natural to feel overwhelmed and unsure of where to start, but you’re not alone in this.

While this will be a profoundly personal journey, here are a few tips to begin the process of taking over financial decisions.

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Mom leaves more to one child than another: what could go wrong?

Three years ago, my mother moved in with me and I became her full time caregiver. Last year she changed her will to leave more to me than my sister who hasn't done anything for her care. In fact, she hasn't spoken to mom since she moved in with me. I don't get paid for providing care, but I do use her social security check to help pay for household bills and groceries. Aside from that, mom has a sizeable stock account that she inherited from our dad. I'm worried my sister may cause trouble when mom dies and learns she doesn't get as much as I do. Should I ask her to change her will to be more equal?

I can sense the unease in your voice. As caregiver for your mother, it makes sense that she might favor you in her will, especially if your sister isn’t interested in a relationship with your mom. While your question is more about what happens after your mother dies, my hope is that there will be opportunities to communicate with your sister before that happens, resolve the rift between her and your mother, and avoid the potential conflicts that may arise.  Ultimately the decision to accept the provisions of your mother’s will is hers.

That said, let’s discuss some practical issues to address your concerns, minimize legal complications, and discourage potential disputes with your sister when it comes to your mother’s will.

Understanding the Legal Framework

  • First, it’s important to ensure that the change your mother made to her will is legally sound. The will must have been updated at a time when your mother was fully competent and free from undue influence. Consulting an estate attorney can ensure all legal protocols were followed, thus making it less vulnerable to future challenges.
  • Was the change made with the assistance of an attorney? Although it’s not a requirement, using an attorney to execute legal documents like wills can avoid the mistakes people make when doing it themselves. Often, people will write a will in their own handwriting (called a holographic will). While these may be valid, these types of wills are easily disputed and may not have followed the procedures for valid will executions in the state where the person resides.
  • Assuming your mother did use a lawyer, and at the time did possess the capacity to execute a new will, who was present in the room with your mother’s lawyer when she changed her will? Just your mother? You with your mother? Only you? Ideally, it was only your mother. If you were present, did the lawyer directly address your mother or direct questions to you? The less your involvement in the meeting, the less likely you could be open to accusations of undue influence.

Guarding Against Will Contests

  • If your sister decides to contest the will, she could potentially claim undue influence or argue that your mother lacked the mental capacity to make such a change. To prepare for such scenarios, work with her attorney to maintain thorough records of the discussions and motivations behind the will’s adjustments. This documentation reinforces that the decision was made independently and with full awareness.
  • Did your mother include a no-contest clause to her will? Known as an in terrorem clause, this can discourage your sister from contesting the will, as she risks forfeiting her inheritance if she loses the challenge. While this is not enforceable in every jurisdiction, where applicable, it serves as a strong preventive measure. 
  • A letter of intent can also be included, detailing your mother’s reasoning behind her decisions. This document, although not legally binding, provides context that could be useful in defending the will against disputes. Sometimes, these are prepared by the person creating the will, but the attorney may also provide this service.
  • Keeping detailed records of your caregiving responsibilities and related expenses is crucial. Not only does it validate the more substantial inheritance in compensation for your caregiving role, but it also provides a clear, factual basis for the distribution decision should your sister challenge it.

Proactive Communication and Mediation

Facilitating open communication with your mother and sister could be beneficial. If your mother is comfortable, hosting a family discussion where she shares her reasons for the will’s changes may help your sister understand the context and reduce tension. Transparency often alleviates suspicions and pre-empts conflicts.

If direct communication seems difficult, consider bringing in a professional mediator. A neutral third party can help facilitate productive discussions and address any underlying concerns or grievances. This proactive step can prevent more heated disputes down the line.

Engaging a Professional Team

Engaging the right team is critical. Not only can a team of professionals provide advice and counsel, but their presence and involvement demonstrate that you are not acting alone in managing your mom’s affairs. If her lawyer does not specialize in estate planning or elder law, you can look for one near you by visiting the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys. Other team members might include a geriatric care manager, financial planner, or family counselor.


By addressing these issues now—through open communication, legal safeguards, thorough documentation, and professional advice—you can reduce the likelihood of disputes and honor your mother’s wishes effectively. While it’s a challenging situation, approaching it with preparation and empathy can help maintain family harmony and respect for everyone involved.

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Can Mom’s New Boyfriend Replace Me as Power of Attorney?

I hold power of attorney for my mother. She's 89 years old and for the last two years, she has had a close companionship with "Stanley," a widower in the retirement community she lives in. Lately when we've discussed her future care needs, Stanley has been present and has bristled at the idea of Mom moving into assisted living or skilled care, even suggesting she move in with him. I'm concened that Stanley could talk her into removing me as power of attorney and naming himself. If so, what can I do to protect her?

First, your mother’s happiness is undoubtedly important, but so too is ensuring that her interests are protected as she navigates this vulnerable time in her life.

So, take a deep breath. This is a common concern that many family members face, and you’re not alone in dealing with these situations that involve both touchy and practical issues. 

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