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Politics isn’t the only subject to avoid at Thanksgiving!

November 25, 2024 / David Russell

My siblings and I will be gathering at our parents' home for Thanksgiving this year. It's the first time we've all been together in over five years. Our parents are in their early 80's and while they are independent now, my siblings and I have wondered whether they have a plan for advanced age or long term care. Since we are not all together often, would this be a good time to ask our parents what their plans are? My sister says yes, but my brother says it will only ruin Thanksgiving.

Belinda J.

Thanksgiving is meant to be a time of joy, gratitude, and family togetherness. But when important questions, such as aging and long-term care, linger in the background, it can pose a significant dilemma or create unwanted drama at the dinner table if broached without caution.

While the intent is certainly rooted in love and concern, many professionals suggest that Thanksgiving may not be the ideal time for such sensitive discussions. To best address your question, let’s look at several reasons why it may be better to postpone this important conversation and offer guidance on how to plan for a more appropriate time to delve into these discussions later.

Reasons Why Thanksgiving May Not Be the Ideal Time

Emotional Atmosphere: Thanksgiving can be an emotionally charged time for many families. The holiday brings together various sentiments—nostalgia, joy, and sometimes even stress—that may not create a conducive environment for serious discussions about aging. Introducing a heavy topic could unintentionally dampen the festive spirit.
Distractions and Busyness: During Thanksgiving, families often find themselves caught up in preparations, cooking, and entertaining. These distractions can make it hard to focus on a deep, meaningful conversation. An environment filled with noise and activity may prevent the thoughtful dialogue that these conversations require.
Fear of Conflict: Sensitive subjects about aging can sometimes lead to disagreements among family members. Introductions of differing opinions or concerns could escalate into tension, overshadowing the positive interactions that Thanksgiving aims for.
Lack of Preparation: Both parents and adult children might not be mentally or emotionally prepared to engage in discussions about long-term care during a holiday focused on gratitude and celebration. It’s essential to choose a time when everyone can reflect on the topic without distraction or stress.

Planning for an Intentional Conversation

Given these factors, it might be wise to plan for a more suitable discussion about long-term care and aging when the atmosphere is more relaxed and conducive to open dialogue. Here are some steps to help facilitate this:

Identify an Appropriate Time: Choose another family gathering—perhaps a holiday meal in the coming months or a family barbecue in the summer—as a priority for these crucial discussions. Setting a specific date allows family members to mentally prepare and ensures they’re ready to engage in constructive dialogue.
Create a Comforting Environment: Once you have a date in mind, plan the environment thoughtfully. A comfortable, quiet setting can enhance communication, allowing for open discussions where everyone feels heard and respected.
Build the Foundation Early: In the lead-up to your planned discussion, consider mentioning the importance of discussing aging and long-term care in a less formal setting. A casual conversation in passing can help normalize the subject. For example, during a family call or chat, you might say something like, “I’ve been reading a lot about aging and care planning; it’s something we should consider as a family.”
Engage Gently During Thanksgiving: Use the Thanksgiving gathering to plant the seed without forcing the conversation. You could bring up related topics, such as discussions about recent medical advancements or friends’ experiences in caring for aging parents. This can pave the way for future conversations without putting anyone on the spot.
Reassure Your Parents: If you know your parents have some thoughts about their future care plans, encouraging an ongoing dialogue can make them feel involved in the decision-making process. For instance, you can express appreciation for their independence and state, “I admire how well you both are managing, and I think it would be comforting for all of us to have a plan in place moving forward.”

Fostering Ongoing Conversations

Once you’ve planted the seed and the initial discussion takes place, continue to foster the conversation. This topic doesn’t need to be resolved in one sitting. Encourage check-ins that keep it open, ensuring that everyone feels comfortable discussing changes or updates in the future.

By creating a culture of transparent communication around aging, your family can approach the subject in a way that feels natural rather than forced.

Prioritize Connection Over Timing

While Thanksgiving offers a wonderful opportunity to bond as a family, it may not be the best moment to tackle serious discussions about aging and long-term care. By postponing this conversation to a more suitable setting, families can ensure that everyone is willing and able to engage thoughtfully. Planning intentional discussions and subtly introducing the topic can pave the way for a supportive dialogue, ensuring that family members feel connected and prepared for the future care of their loved ones. By prioritizing the right time and environment, families can foster an atmosphere of love and understanding while addressing the realities of aging head-on.

My Step-Brother is Trustee of My Trust – and I hate it!

November 19, 2024 / David Russell

I am a beneficiary of a trust created for me, my older sister, and my step-brother, "Sam" - the only son of my mother's late husband, Max. When Max died, there was a trust set up for Mom, and when Mom died, the trust continued for the benefit of the three of us. My step-brother "Sam" is the trustee and I hate it. It seems whenever I ask for something out of the trust, Sam goes out of his way to make my life difficult. I have to justify every request with a complete run down of my financial situation, including my bank account balance, what I owe on my car, even my credit card balance. It's embarrassing to have to undress financially in front of my step-brother every time I need something. Is there anything I can do to remove him or am I stuck in this arrangement?

Sandra T.

When it comes to family trusts, emotions can run high alongside financial considerations, especially in situations like this. Being a beneficiary of a trust is meant to provide financial support and security, but when the dynamics become strained—particularly with a family member serving as the trustee—things can become complicated.

Let’s explore the roles and responsibilities of a trustee, the challenges that can arise in family trusts, and potential steps you can take if the relationship with your trustee becomes problematic. It’s important to approach this topic with diplomacy, as family dynamics can be delicate and complex. Most lawyers will tell you that the courtroom should be the arbitor of last resort.

The Trustee's Role

To start, let’s clarify the primary responsibilities of a trustee. Trustees are individuals or institutions designated to administer the trust according to its terms and in the best interests of the beneficiaries. This includes managing trust assets, distributing funds as outlined in the trust agreement, and maintaining accurate records.

In your case, Sam, your step-brother, is serving as that trustee. Ideally, a trustee should act with transparency, fairness, and respect towards all beneficiaries. Unfortunately, family dynamics can complicate this role, and emotions may cloud judgment or lead to perceived unfairness.

For example, the trust may require the trustee to determine whether a requested distribution to a beneficiary meets the support standards it establishes. This investigation when a family member is trustee can seem more invasive than if the trustee was a detached person or entity.

Understanding Your Position as a Beneficiary

As a beneficiary, you have rights to the trust assets as specified within the trust agreement. This generally means you are entitled to request distributions. However, it’s not uncommon for trustees to seek some financial context behind these requests, which can sometimes feel intrusive. While it may be reasonable for Sam to ask for some information to ensure that distributions align with the trust’s intent, it’s essential to find a balance that respects your privacy.

It’s important to communicate openly with Sam about how his requests make you feel. He may not realize the discomfort it causes you, and honest dialogue can sometimes alleviate such tensions.

Challenges of Family Dynamics

Family members often find themselves in roles that blur personal and professional lines, especially when money is involved. Your relationship with Sam as both a step-brother and trustee can make this situation even more delicate. Trust issues can arise not because of malice but due to misunderstandings, differing expectations, or even emotional responses stemming from loss.

When confronting challenges with a trustee, it can be beneficial to remind yourself that these situations are not uncommon. Many beneficiaries may experience frustrations around trust distributions, and seeking resolutions while maintaining family harmony can be particularly tricky.

If you feel that Sam’s actions are unreasonable or overly burdensome, consider these steps:

Communicate Openly: Start with an open conversation. Share your feelings about the financial disclosures required for distributions. This can be a delicate conversation, but framing it in a way that emphasizes your discomfort can lead to a more constructive dialogue.
Request Clarity on Trust Terms: Look into the terms of the trust. If it provides specific guidelines on distribution requests and the trustee’s responsibilities, it can help clarify what is fair and expected. While you may not have legal clarity, understanding these terms will bolster your position for further discussions.
Seek Mediation: Sometimes, having a neutral third party, such as a family counselor or mediator, can help facilitate discussions. This person can serve as a mediator in contentious situations and help keep conversations constructive.
Explore Legal Options: If discussions do not yield a satisfactory outcome, you may want to consult with a legal professional specializing in trusts. They can provide you with guidance on your rights as a beneficiary, the potential for removing a trustee, and the processes involved. It’s important to seek an informative consultation without assuming it leads to litigation.
Document Everything: Keep records of your communications and requests. If things escalate or legal intervention becomes necessary, having a clear history can be invaluable. This documentation may also help if you need to present your case to a legal professional.
Consider the Long-term Relationship: Before taking action that may significantly impact your relationship with Sam, carefully weigh the repercussions. Family ties are invaluable, and often taking a step back to assess the situation can promote healthier long-term dynamics.

Keeping the main thing the main thing

Navigating trust relationships, especially within families, can be fraught with complexities. It’s crucial to approach these situations with a blend of empathy, understanding, and assertiveness. As a beneficiary, remember that you have rights, but strive for a path that honors both those rights and your family relationships.

While you may feel constrained by your circumstances, open communication and informed actions can pave a way forward. You’re not alone in facing these difficulties; many beneficiaries encounter similar challenges. By seeking understanding and resolution, you can work toward a balanced outcome that honors both your needs and the trust’s intentions. Remember, seeking knowledge and support is a powerful step in ensuring that family and trust matters are handled with care.

Dad has become “a Monster”

October 31, 2024 / David Russell

I know I'm supposed to keep a good attitude with my aging father. He moved in with us about six months ago after Mom died, but he has become a monster! He is demanding and expects me to wait on him hand and foot. He belittles me and is inconsiderate to my husband. He's even become suspicious of my handling his finances, which he is unable to do on his own due to his cognitive decline. I have two other siblings who live far away and they have no idea how difficult this is. I promised Mom I wouldn't put him in a nursing home, but this has become more difficult than I imagined.

Margaret A.

Ah, the joys of caregiving—where the role of dutiful child transforms into an unexpected stint as a live-in ghostbuster. Take a moment to appreciate the ghastly twist your life has taken since your father moved in after your mother’s passing. What started as an extension of your compassion and hospitality has somehow morphed into a full-blown horror show. Six months in, he’s become a monster! It sounds like you’re living in a haunted house, filled with demands that would make even the most patient caretaker break out in a cold sweat.

As the days turn into a series of eerie encounters, navigating your father’s new demands must feel like you are a character in an Edgar Allen Poe short story. From expecting to be waited on hand and foot to belittling comments, the challenges of caregiving can resemble a horror movie gone awry. It’s natural to feel frustrated and overwhelmed when the person you’re trying to support appears possessed by something other than common courtesy.

Free Lunch and ‘Free’ Care Likely Too Good to be True!

October 23, 2024 / David Russell

I take care of my 88 year old mother. Last month I attended a free lunch seminar offered by a company I'd never heard of, about Medicaid planning. It sounded like they could make arrangements so that all of mom's assets would be protected for me and my brother, and that Medicaid would pay for all of her nursing home expenses should we decide to move her to one. It sounded too good to be true. The company is not a law firm but they said they had lawyers working for them. They charge $5,000 to file all the paperwork for Mom to get qualified. Is this a fair price to pay and should I even get Mom on Medicaid?

Meredith B.

There’s an old saying that if you take your problem to a carpenter whose only tool is a hammer, don’t be surprised if the solution requires a nail. As the caregiver for your 88-year-old mother, it’s completely understandable that you’re seeking the best options to protect her assets while also considering her healthcare needs. Unfortunately, some believe there is only one solution to the problem of paying for care. The situation becomes more complex, especially with the maze of options surrounding Medicaid and long-term care.

From Financial Advisor to Financial Caregiver

October 15, 2024 / David Russell

As a financial advisor, I have the privilege of working with many older clients—married, divorced, and widowed—who have achieved success in their financial lives. A recurring theme in our discussions is their concern about aging and the impact they may have on their children. Together, we plan for the future, conduct family meetings, and ensure everything is in place for when the inevitable occurs—whether it be death or incapacity. However, my understanding of financial caregiving would soon be put to the test when I became the financial caregiver to my own parents. This dual role has revealed a fascinating yet challenging landscape, highlighting the profound emotional dynamics that emerge when personal relationships intertwine with professional responsibilities.

“We only got the bank account:” Why Property Titles and Beneficiary Designations Matter.

October 8, 2024 / David Russell

My father passed away four months ago. Our mom had preceded him in death by several years, and three years ago, Dad married 'Jane' when he was 71 years old. After they married, Dad told me and my siblings that his will left everything to us. At that time, he had about $300,000 in the bank, a company retirement plan worth $800,000 and the house we were raised in. He sold the house after he and Jane married and bought a condo. Now the lawyer tells us that we're only getting what was in the bank accounts. Dad didn't change his will, so how could this have happened?

Jan M.

The loss of a loved one is a challenging and emotional experience, often compounded by the complexities of navigating their estate. This scenario underscores the vital role that legal title and beneficiary designations play in determining who receives property after someone’s passing. Understanding how assets are titled and the impact of federal laws such as the Employee Retirement Income Security Act (ERISA) is essential in estate planning.

Reader asks, “What’s the difference between ‘assisted living’ and ‘nursing home care?

October 1, 2024 / David Russell

My father is 89 and seems to be forgetting things like taking his medications and practicing good hygiene. Last week, while visiting him at his home, it was clear he hadn't bathed for several days and he looked unkempt. I've been looking into nursing homes in the area where I live, but a friend suggested I look into an assisted living facility instead. What are the differences and is one generally more expensive than another?

Stan B.

It’s understandable to feel apprehensive when you notice changes in a loved one’s well-being, especially in their later years. Aging brings a myriad of challenges, and your attentiveness to these issues is commendable.

Your father’s situation—forgetting about medications and neglecting personal hygiene—is not uncommon among seniors. It can be difficult for them to maintain independence while also ensuring their needs are met adequately. Given these circumstances, exploring options like nursing homes and assisted living facilities is a wise move.

Siblings concerned about Step-Mother’s Use of Trust Fund

September 26, 2024 / David Russell

My dad passed away about seven years ago and left a sizeable trust to his wife. The trust is supposed to take care of her for her life before passing to me and my three siblings when she dies. That's all we know about it. We think she is the trustee, but we've never asked because we want to avoid drama. We know she has other assets that she brought into the marriage so we hope she's not draining the trust at our expense. How do we go about finding out the details of this trust, such as how much is in it, what it's being used for, and who is in control of it?

Missy F

This is a tough but very common family situation, caused in part, by a lack of communication about your dad’s plan while he was living. When your dad passed away and left a trust for your stepmother, it undoubtedly added layers to an already emotional situation. Now, faced with uncertainty about the trust’s details and anxious about its potential impact on your inheritance, you’re understandably concerned.

Finding out about the specifics of a family trust, especially when feelings run high, requires a gentle and thoughtful approach. Here’s some ways you can seek the information you need while preserving family harmony.

How to Divide Sentimental Items in an Estate

September 24, 2024 / David Russell

My mom recently passed away and I am the executor of her will. The will is fairly simple with everything divided equally between me and my four siblings. The problem is that there are a lot of heirloom items, including art, jewelry, furnishings, and several sentimental items that I know several of us have an interest in. Some are worth quite a bit, but most of it holds only sentimental value. Since I am responsible for dividing these items equally, how can I fairly and objectively do this without it looking like I'm favoring myself?

Betsy T.

First of all, I’d like to extend my heartfelt condolences for the loss of your mother. Navigating the complexities of grief while handling the responsibilities of being an executor can be an incredibly challenging task. It’s commendable that you’re seeking a fair and objective way to manage your mother’s legacy while honoring her memory and considering your siblings’ feelings.

Dad has Alzheimer’s. Mom asked me to take over the finances. Where do I start?

September 17, 2024 / David Russell

I just found out my dad has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. My mom called me and through tears asked if I would take over their financial affairs while she tends to Dad's care. I have no idea where to start, what they have, or where to find anything. I think they are fairly well off. They live comfortably and own a vacation property in Idaho that we all use occasionally. I have an older brother, so I'm not sure if I have the authority to do anything. She did say they have Wills in a safe deposit box, but I don't know how to access it. What should I do now?

Shelly T.

Receiving news about a loved one’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis is undoubtedly a heavy burden. It’s challenging to process the emotional ramifications, and on top of that, your mother is reaching out for help regarding their financial affairs. It’s natural to feel overwhelmed and unsure of where to start, but you’re not alone in this.

While this will be a profoundly personal journey, here are a few tips to begin the process of taking over financial decisions.

Wealth and Honor