Category: Aging Parents (Page 1 of 9)

Hollywood Cases Highlight the Benefits of Long Term Care Trusts.

March 4, 2025 / David Russell / 0 Comments

When planning for long-term care, many individuals focus on purchasing insurance or setting aside assets to cover future expenses. However, financial abuse and mismanagement can derail even the best-laid plans. A long-term care trust offers a structured, protective approach to ensuring that funds are used appropriately, especially when an individual is no longer able to manage their own affairs.

What Is a Long-Term Care Trust?

A long-term care trust is a standby revocable trust designed to provide financial oversight for an individual’s long-term care needs. While the settlor (the person creating the trust) is capable, they retain control over the trust assets. However, the trust includes springing provisions—legal language that allows a successor trustee to step in and take over management if the settlor is deemed incapacitated.

The trust can own various assets, including long-term care insurance policies, life insurance policies with long-term care riders, and liquid assets designated for care-related expenses. Once the successor trustee takes over, they are responsible for filing insurance claims, paying expenses from the trust, and managing trust assets to ensure care needs are met.

Lessons from the John Amos and Mickey Rooney Cases

One of the most compelling reasons to consider a long-term care trust is to prevent financial exploitation, as tragically illustrated in the John Amos and Mickey Rooney cases.

John Amos, a well-known actor, who died in 2014, has been called a victim of elder financial abuse by his adult children, each claiming that the abuse was perpetrated by the other.

Mickey Rooney, another famous actor, provided powerful testimony before Congress about the financial abuse he endured in his later years. Rooney described how he was isolated, financially exploited, and left without access to his own money. His testimony shed light on the widespread issue of elder financial abuse and the devastating impact it can have on an individual’s dignity and well-being.

A long-term care trust may have helped prevent such abuse by placing financial oversight in the hands of a designated trustee rather than leaving assets vulnerable to manipulation by infighting siblings or self-serving outsiders. With a properly structured trust, all care-related expenses are managed transparently and according to predefined terms, reducing the risk of unauthorized withdrawals or misuse.

Key Benefits of a Long-Term Care Trust

Ensures Funds Are Used for Care Needs
By designating a trust to own long-term care policies and other assets, funds are explicitly earmarked for care expenses. This prevents potential misappropriation by well-meaning but financially strained family members.
Streamlines Insurance Claims and Payments
Managing long-term care insurance claims can be overwhelming, especially when a person is already facing health challenges. The trustee, as the legal owner of the policy, handles all paperwork, ensuring that claims are filed correctly and benefits are used as intended.
Protects Against Financial Exploitation
With a structured oversight system in place, there is a clear fiduciary duty to manage funds appropriately. The trustee must follow the trust’s terms, keeping records and providing transparency that minimizes opportunities for fraud or undue influence.
Reduces Family Conflicts and Burdens
Family members often struggle with decisions about paying for care, especially when different parties have competing financial interests. A long-term care trust provides clear guidelines, removing ambiguity and reducing potential disputes.
Offers Continuity and Professional Management
If a person becomes incapacitated, the transition of financial management is seamless. The springing provision allows for immediate oversight by the successor trustee, avoiding court intervention or delays that could disrupt care.

Selecting the Right Trustee: The Case for a Professional

Perhaps the most critical decision when establishing a long-term care trust is choosing the right trustee. While some individuals select a family member, this can create conflicts of interest, emotional strain, and potential mismanagement. Instead, using a professional trustee—either an institutional trustee (such as a bank trust department) or an independent professional trustee—offers significant advantages:

Objectivity – A professional trustee is neutral and bound by fiduciary duties, making decisions based on the trust’s terms rather than personal interests.
Expertise – Managing long-term care expenses requires financial, legal, and insurance knowledge that a professional trustee brings to the table.
Accountability – Unlike family members, professional trustees are legally required to keep records, report transactions, and manage funds prudently.
Reliability – Professionals are available long-term and will not face personal circumstances (such as illness or financial hardship) that might interfere with management duties.

A long-term care trust is a powerful tool for ensuring that assets are managed effectively, claims are handled properly, and financial abuse is prevented. By structuring the trust with springing provisions and selecting a professional trustee, individuals can safeguard their care needs and provide peace of mind for themselves and their families.

In a world where financial abuse and care mismanagement are real threats, a well-crafted long-term care trust offers a practical, protective, and proactive solution. Whether planning for yourself or helping a loved one, considering this option is a smart financial move that can make all the difference when it matters most.

When Our Care Plans Went Off-The-Rails

February 21, 2025 / David Russell

When my parents approached or passed 80 years, they lived more than 500 miles from my siblings and me. As they and their friends aged, the writing became clearly written on the wall of their minds. They needed to be closer to family. As they considered their options, the one that seemed to make the most sense was a highly rated CCRC facility only 15 minutes from us that would allow them to live independently in a detached home, with access to Assisted Living, Memory Care, and Skilled Nursing all within the same campus.

The Move Into a CCRC Facility

They paid a significant entry fee of approximately $290,000 in 2009 as well as a monthly fee of around $3,000 that guaranteed them continual care for the remainder of their lives. In addition, future costs were predictable. The fixed monthly fee would only increase slightly each year, but that was much less than the monthly rate they would pay if either of them entered any of the care units only when they needed it. Prepaying while they were independent also gave them priority status over those who lived outside the CCRC campus on room availability.

About four years later, dad’s dementia got worse, and he moved to the memory care unit just down the street from their house. Not long after that, he was moved to the skilled nursing facility where he died within a year. Mom continued to live in independent housing for the next 10 years and maintained an active social life.

The Impact of COVID on Facility Staffing

In 2020-2021 during the Covid-19 pandemic, nursing homes around the country were limiting or curtailing visitation of family members. At the same time, nursing homes and other care facilities around the country were experiencing severe shortages of workers, either lost by attrition during the pandemic, or those who were working dropped out of the workforce and either did not return or found work elsewhere. Little did we know how this would impact mom‘s care later.

Mom's Move to Skilled Nursing Care

In late 2023, at age 94, mom suffered a bad fall resulting in stroke–like cognitive impairment that required her to move into the skilled nursing facility of the CCRC. She was also a fall risk, so leaving her unattended for even the shortest period risks her getting out of the bed or her chair (which she has done on more than one occasion), thus far avoiding a severe injury. We were informed by the staff that they did not have enough workers to monitor mom close enough to prevent a fall, so we were encouraged to hire private, 24/7 sitters for mom, because even at night when she is sleeping, she will try getting out of bed on her own.

Our Financial Plans Went Off the Rails

Financially, we are blessed. Mom and Dad had enough resources to enter a facility that is not feasible for many. However, the long term plan did not consider that in addition to the CCRC’s cost, we would also need to add private sitter costs on top of the CCRC cost. We believed – rightly or wrongly – that the CCRC would be all they would ever need from the time of their move until they both died. Now, fifteen years after their initial move to the CCRC, they have paid over $1 million to the CCRC and are currently paying nearly $20,000 per month because of the additional care we are having to hire privately.

As the financial planner for my parents when all of this began, I am lamenting my unpreparedness for this contingency – not because it means less of an inheritance for my siblings and I (we’ve all been given more than we deserve) but because financial planning is largely about adding certainly to uncertain outcomes, and I believed that the CCRC option provided more certainty. We may have still chosen the CCRC for many other reasons, but it was a mistake to think that costs would be predictable. After forty years practicing financial planning, if there is one lesson on repeat in my own life, it is that nothing is certain, and financial plans are best made using a pencil with a very fat eraser.

Moral of the Story

The moral to this story is that long term care is expensive. It is unpredictable, uncertain, and will look different than what you plan for. If receiving care is in your future – meaning you don’t die on the way towards some level of dependency – over-insure for it, over-estimate the cost of it, plan for receiving it longer than you think, and if you do have the resources to self-insure for it, discuss your plans with your heirs or adult children before you need care. Otherwise, that bumper sticker you used to see on the back of an RV traveling down the highway, might best be saved for the door of your room at the care facility.

Comparing and Contrasting Advanced Aging and Wealth Disparities

February 18, 2025 / David Russell

Early in my career, my sales manager asked his group of trainees of which I was one, “what is the difference between and elderly gentleman and an old man.” His response... “Money.”

Aging is an inescapable aspect of the human experience, and yet, the pathways through advanced age can be profoundly affected by various socio-economic factors, particularly wealth disparities. While financial resources impact access to care and quality of life for older adults, wealth alone does not guarantee a positive aging experience. Instead, the availability of resources often hinges on the willingness and commitment of caregivers, healthcare professionals, and community systems to provide adequate support.

Physical Health

As we enter advanced age, we inevitably face a range of physical challenges, including chronic illnesses, mobility issues, and sensory declines. While the wealthier among us may typically enjoy better overall health outcomes due to greater access to quality healthcare, nutrition, and supportive living environments, having financial means does not inherently ensure effective care.

Access to healthcare requires not only financial resources but also a network of committed healthcare providers, family members, and community support systems. Wealthy individuals might struggle if their caregivers are untrained, unavailable, or unwilling to facilitate their healthcare needs. Even with the best financial means, older adults can encounter barriers if there are no supportive systems in place to bridge the gap between available resources and personal needs. Michael Jackson had immense wealth and popularity, but towards the end of his life, he faced significant financial and personal challenges. Despite his financial resources, he had ongoing battles with management and family members over how his wealth was managed and was often surrounded by individuals who may not have had his best interests at heart.

Additionally, affluent seniors may have access to physical therapy, personal trainers, or wellness programs, but their benefits depend largely on the commitment and expertise of those administering the services. If caregivers lack the necessary skills or motivation to engage individuals in maintaining their physical health, the impact of wealth can be diminished. Therefore, it becomes crucial to recognize that financial ability without the support of capable caregivers may not translate to better health outcomes in aging.

Psychological Well-being

The psychological dimensions of aging are equally complex, with the implications of financial status playing a pivotal role in mental health. Feelings of loneliness and depression are profound concerns for seniors, particularly those facing the isolation that can accompany advancing age. Wealth can potentially provide mechanisms to combat loneliness—such as access to social clubs, travel, or companionship services—but again, financial means do not guarantee emotional well-being. Howard Hughes, the world’s first billionaire, suffered from years of self-neglect and declining mental health.

Wealthy individuals often benefit from networks that can provide such engagement, but they remain dependent on the reliability and affection of those around them. A lack of authentic connection can lead to feelings of emptiness, regardless of financial security. Conversely, seniors with limited financial means may find solace and community among family and friends, fostering psychological resilience even in the face of economic constraints.

Moreover, the attitudes and values of society toward aging can affect how both wealthy and impoverished individuals perceive their aging experience. In cultures that devalue the elderly or view aging as a burden, both wealth and poverty can lead to feelings of despair. What is required, therefore, is not just a financial remedy but a cultural shift that underscores the importance of maintaining psychological health through connection and mutual respect.

Cultural Perceptions

Cultural contexts wield considerable influence over the experiences of aging and perceptions of dignity. In societies that honor elders, aging is often regarded as a time of wisdom and respect, with cultural rituals and familial support playing crucial roles regardless of economic status. Here, dignity can be preserved through community engagement and intergenerational connections, promoting a rich sense of belonging.

However, wealth-driven cultures may regard aging more negatively, often associating it with decline and reduced productivity. This perspective can be particularly damaging for those who are financially disadvantaged. Yet, wealthier individuals are not entirely insulated from ageism—experiences of bias can still permeate their lives if society does not respect and value older adults. Actor Micky Rooney’s family gained control over his assets and personal freedom, even as the actor was objecting to the very authorities that were in place to protect him. Only after hiring and taking legal action, did he prevail with regaining his autonomy.

The key to maintaining dignity across cultural spectrums lies in fostering environments that are inclusive and supportive. This can be achieved through community programs that promote understanding and appreciation of aging and encourage engagement between generations. Such initiatives can help bridge the gap between economic divides, reinforcing the idea that respect for elders should not be predicated on financial status.

Dignity and Integrity Across Wealth Status

Ultimately, dignity and integrity are universal entitlements that transcend financial circumstances. Regardless of wealth, all individuals deserve recognition and respect for their life journeys. The challenge lies in creating a society that honors this belief and ensures equitable access to resources and support. All of the world’s wisdom traditions include honoring elders as one of its core tenants, but we have a history of unobservance. Jesus rebuked the Pharisees for their legalistic adherence to tithing, while they pardoned parental neglect (Matthew 15:1-9).

One promising trend is the development of intergenerational relationships that enable older adults to share their wisdom and experiences while offering younger generations insights into the realities of aging. In doing so, society nurtures an environment where all elders feel valued and empowered.

In this world view, it matters not whether someone accesses care and services through charity, Medicaid, or from personal wealth, each is treated the same.

The relationship between advanced aging and wealth disparities presents both opportunities and challenges. While financial resources can significantly influence physical health, psychological well-being, and cultural perceptions, they do not exist in isolation. The availability of these resources ultimately hinges on the commitment and compassion of caregivers, family members, and community networks. By recognizing and embracing the inherent dignity of every individual, regardless of their financial situation, society can cultivate an environment where all older adults are respected, valued, and supported in their journey through aging. In this way, the focus shifts from the limitations imposed by wealth disparities to the shared human experience of aging, highlighting the importance of connection, mutual respect, and integrity.

When Mom or Dad Want to Marry…at 80!

February 14, 2025 / David Russell

It’s Valentine’s week and romance is in the air. One of the joys I get from lunching with Mom at her retirement community is to hear the latest gossip about the budding romances among the residents, most of whom are well into their 80’s and 90’s. There have been more than a few marriages that result from these new relationships, most occurring after a fairly brief courtship. As one fellow remarked to me one day, “son, at our age, it’s dangerous to buy greenn bananas.”

If you are the adult child of an aging parent who also happens to be single, you may one day be introduced to a “special friend” in their life. Normally, your reaction may be something like, “how cute” or “way to go Dad” but if the relationship quickly becomes more serious or if you’re suddenly asked to give your blessing to their marriage, this can be a very troubling event. In preparation for writing this article, I googled “aging parent wants to get remarried” and most of the search results were forum posts from adult children seeking advice on how to deal with Mom or Dad’s new romance that has gone from sweet to sour because now they want to get married!

All sorts of questions run through your mind and you may find yourself experiencing anger, fear, or resentment at the prospect of this person interrupting Mom or Dad’s perfectly lonely existence. Somewhere in-between the extremes of “I forbid it” (like that’s gonna work) and “It’s your life, do what you want” can be found a position of legitimate care for their happiness and concern that they not be hurt by the experience. Recently a judge intervened in the marriage of a couple in their mid-nineties due to concerns expressed by the bride’s daughter questioning the marriage’s legitimacy.

In his article titled “How to Deal With an Elderly Parent’s Remarriage – Resolving Issues” author and financial advisor Michael Lewis, gives some wise advice when talking to your aging parent about their choice to remarry late in life.

Be Respectful. You are speaking with the one remaining person who brought you into this world and who will always love you.
Try to Put Yourself In Your Parent’s Position. They are trying to make the best of a very difficult situation. They seek your blessing and understanding, so listen carefully and thoughtfully before making your own point or expressing your doubts.
Avoid Accusations, Recriminations, and Ultimatums. Your parent has already experienced and worked through the guilt often associated with remarriage after the death of the spouse.
Curb Your Instincts to Attack or Belittle Your Parent’s Choice of Mate. It is never a good idea to potentially offend your mother or father in such a petty manner.

On the other hand, there may be legitimate concerns about Mom or Dad’s new relationship. Studies show that as we age our brain’s ability to make sound judgments becomes impaired. This is not necessarily dementia, just biology. Most state laws include an elderly person in a group called “vulnerable adults” because of this biological fact.

Three factors contribute to the vulnerability of an older person: diminished capacity, lack of informed consent, and undue influence. Each of these could be at work in an older person’s romantic relationship and any one of them would give question to the legitimacy of a marriage. For example, if Mom has diminished capacity – a condition that may have to be proven by a qualified physician – she might not have the legal capacity to enter into a marriage contract. Or suppose she has capacity but was not given enough information to give informed consent when she signed over control of her assets to her new spouse in a durable power of attorney. Or maybe she did know exactly what she was doing but signed the power of attorney to her new spouse anyway because he told her if she did not sign it, he would not take care of her in her old age, which would be subjecting her to undue influence.

The best way to prevent either of these vulnerabilities from hurting either party is to have an honest conversation with your parent about your concerns. If you sense this new “special” person has interests other than companionship, then intervention might be required, but hopefully this can be avoided by remaining respectful of each of them and involving neutral parties. While keeping in mind the points that Michael Lewis makes above, I suggest a meeting with other family members and a neutral mediator.

Ask Mom or Dad if they are open to discussing their marriage with a family counselor, clergy member, or attorney. It could be that a more neutral party will come across as less threatening than you and they may be more willing to listen to that person than to you. Speak openly about your concerns over property and other assets. Even if you have blessed the marriage and no sign of the three areas of vulnerability are evident, they will likely be unaware or unconcerned about property and financial division. Have them meet with an estate attorney or other qualified advisor who can help them understand the complexities of blending two financial households. Once they realize the burden this might place on their surviving children, they will more likely be willing to take the appropriate steps.

It seems that many adult children assume the proper role of a parent who becomes widowed late in life is to just remain that way for the rest of their life. In doing so, we diminish their dignity by denying them the companionship and affection that they enjoyed for 50 or 60 years as if that need vanishes when their spouse predeceases them. Instead, we could adopt the same position as we might with our own adult children: blessing a relationship that makes them happy while protecting them if we can from those that might hurt them. It’s a delicate balancing act on either end of the age spectrum.

A Good Trustee Should Possess Competency AND Character

February 4, 2025 / David Russell

Trusts are a commonly used tool for individuals and families to preserve wealth for younger generations, protecting inheritances from both internal and external threats, or providing management of complex family assets for the benefit of family members and others. Stated simply, a trust is a legal arrangement between three parties – a Settlor who creates the trust; a Trustee who manages the trust; and a Beneficiary (or beneficiaries) who benefits from the trust. The agreement will have its own set of instructions for the trustee that direct the trustee on how to manage the property and when to give property – or the income derived from it – to the beneficiary. The trust must also have a termination date – a future time when the property of the trust is distributed to the surviving beneficiaries. Until then, which can be one hundred years or more, the property is held under the control of the trustee who manages it according to the original settlor’s wishes.

Trusts have also been described as pre-arranged marriages between beneficiaries and a trustee and like any marriage, work best when there is good communication between the parties. A trustee owes a unilateral duty of loyalty to the beneficiaries he or she is responsible for. With such an important and generational role, I am amazed at how little thought goes into choosing a trustee. I would like to suggest that there are four qualities to look for in a trustee that will help make the trustee – beneficiary relationship one that works well for all parties. These qualities apply to both individuals selected for this role such as family members, as well as to professional trustees.

When most people think of the characteristics of a professional trustee, they often focus on the trustee’s competency. However, aside from these minimum required qualifications – such as asset management expertise, administrative accuracy, and knowledge of fiduciary law – most of the conflicts that occur between trustees and trust beneficiaries are due to a breakdown in the character qualities of communication, collaboration, and connection. The graphic below illustrates the importance of both the competency and character attributes of a trustee.

Competency – Minimum Job Requirements

Any professional trustee who is authorized to act as trustee by the appropriate regulatory authority should be able to demonstrate core competency in asset management – that is the prudent investment and management of the assets placed in the trustee’s care; administrative capacity, which has to do with accurate record-keeping, following processes and procedures, and reporting to trust beneficiaries; and knowledge of trust law, which governs the actions of trustees and establishes standards of professional conduct and responsibility. Conflicts between beneficiaries and trustees are often due to a failure or “breach” in one of these competency areas on the part of the trustee. However, close examination of the court transcripts where these conflicts occasionally get argued, reveal that problems in the trustee-beneficiary relationship began long before the breach occurred.

Character Qualities: The Margin of Difference

Communication

Like with any relationship, good communication is key to making the trustee-beneficiary relationship a positive experience for everyone. Frankly, without clear, frequent, and open communication, the trustee-beneficiary relationship is doomed. At best, there will be tension between the parties and unmet expectations. At worst, the conflicts that will inevitably result may lead to costly litigation, fractured relationships, and loss of trust assets. Communication should go beyond simply providing an annual statement or reviewing the investment performance of trust assets. Important as this is, this level of communicating belongs more under competency standards than character qualities.

Communication that improves the quality of the relationship means that a trustee spends time with the beneficiaries in order to truly understand their personal and financial circumstances so that the trustee can make decisions that are in the best interests of the beneficiary. Many trusts instruct trustees to exercise discretion when it comes to doling out trust funds for beneficiaries, and to base their discretion on broad standards such as “support, maintenance, education, or health.”

Frankly, if the trustee is only available at the end of an 800# or is a long-distance trustee with no personal knowledge of the beneficiary’s individual needs, the level of communication will be insufficient to exercise the discretion required or to even know how to apply a support standard.

Collaboration

Collaboration means that the trustee and beneficiaries agree to work together, with one another, as well as with others whose talents or history with the beneficiary family can help to accomplish the financial and aspirational goals that a trust has for its beneficiaries. For example, trustees may need to work with other professionals – investment advisors, property managers, legal and tax advisors, mineral managers, etc. – in order to effectively serve the beneficiaries and best manage the trust property.

Likewise, collaboration with beneficiaries by including them in the decision process and communicating the value of their input will only improve the quality of the relationship even though the final decision rests with the trustee. The more collaborative the relationship between a trustee and a beneficiary can be, the less likely will conflicts erupt, and when they do, a collaborative approach to resolving the conflict can be achieved.

Connection

Connection seems to be especially challenging for those of us who are professional trustees. We often hide our empathy with beneficiaries behind the more technical aspects of our job and thereby fail to connect to beneficiaries at a human level. On the one hand, trustees must not allow emotions to interfere with their objective discretion and should not be influenced by the manipulative behavior that some beneficiaries have mastered.

On the other hand, trustees are frequently put in the position of mentor or surrogate, a role that is poorly performed when we fail to connect with beneficiaries. Helping a young beneficiary evaluate a business opportunity or buy their first home means walking alongside them in the process. When they think it’s a good idea to buy a $50,000 sports car when they are 18, a compassionate trustee can guide them into better decision-making as opposed to simply denying the request. This kind of connection is difficult to achieve if the trustee you have chosen is across the country or detached from the beneficiary.

Even when the trustee is an institution, there is always a person representing that institution whose job it is to understand the needs of trust beneficiaries and to carry out the intentions of the trust’s creator consistent with the worded agreement. Discretion should be subject to a checks and balances team that brings collective wisdom and objectivity to every situation where discretion is necessary.

So when it’s time to plan your legacy, think carefully about who you will entrust to carry it out.

Son of aging patriarch wants to maintain his dad’s honor.

January 28, 2025 / David Russell

I come from a family of significant wealth. My father is now 81 years old, and while he seems mentally sharp, some of his decision-making has been uncharacteristic. He recently made a large donation to a charity he had never given to before. He is a proud man, and reluctant to give up control, even though there are things in place when the time comes. How do we broach the subject with him and what can we do if he refuses to accept the facts? We want him to keep his dignity and position.

Manuel V.

Navigating Conversations About Wealth and Aging with Grace

In families where financial success has been a hallmark, discussions surrounding wealth, control, and legacy can be tough—especially as parents age. Your father’s recent charitable contributions may raise concerns, but it’s essential to approach this sensitive subject with empathy and respect. Here’s how you can navigate these delicate conversations while preserving his dignity and allowing him to feel valued as the patriarch of the family.

Understanding the Situation

First, it’s important to recognize that many factors can influence decision-making as we age. Aging by itself does not necessarily lead to poor decision-making or dementia. Just look at Warren Buffet and Charlie Munger! While your father may still be mentally sharp, the complexities of life—both personal and financial—can lead to decisions that seem uncharacteristic. However, before you leap to conclusions, seeking to understand his motivations could serve as a foundation for a productive conversation. Perhaps his charitable donation stems from a newfound passion, a desire to leave an impactful legacy, or even a change in perspectives about wealth and its purpose.

Offer a Safe Space for Dialogue

Instead of confronting your father with concerns about his decision-making, create a comfortable atmosphere to discuss his feelings about wealth and legacy. Consider inviting him to share his thoughts during a leisurely meal or while engaging in activities he enjoys. Approach the conversation with an open heart, focused on the emotions behind his actions rather than the actions themselves. This doesn’t merely preserve his dignity; it also fosters connection, allowing him to voice his values and aspirations openly.

Engaging with Empathy

When you do address the topic, use “I” statements to express your feelings. For instance, “I feel concerned when I see you making decisions that seem different from what I know about you,” can invite a thoughtful dialogue, as opposed to “You need to stop making these kinds of decisions.” By framing your concerns in a personal way, you reduce the chances of triggering defensiveness and encourage an exchange of ideas.

Find Common Ground

Discussing your values around wealth can create a shared understanding. Explore the family’s legacy and your father’s vision for it versus your own aspirations. Ask questions like, “How do you envision our family’s impact in the community?” or “What causes have you always wanted to support?” This can lead to meaningful conversation about future donations, charitable engagements, or family philanthropy.

Easing Control Through Involvement

If your father shows reluctance to discuss his wealth management or the options you’ve prepped for the future, consider inviting him to participate in the planning process rather than sidelining him. Ask him for guidance or his ideas on legacy planning, investment strategies, or philanthropy initiatives. Validating his input can ease any feelings of loss over control and provide comfort in knowing that his opinions still hold weight.

Acknowledge His Fears

Social aging can evoke fears of loss—of autonomy, control, and identity. While you might fully understand the necessity of planning, your father may experience anxiety when contemplating his mortality or the redistribution of his wealth. Reassure him that your concerns stem from love and respect, and that preserving his legacy is the ultimate goal.

Acceptance and Action

If discussions reveal that your father is resistant to acknowledging potential declines in his decision-making capabilities, you might need to accept this reality gracefully. Allow him the space to control his narrative. However, it is vital to prepare for potential scenarios down the road. If discussions don’t lead to substantial change, subtle discussions about bringing in neutral third parties—such as financial advisors or family mediators—can create new avenues for guidance without negating his voice.

Preserving the Seat of Honor

Above all, it is crucial to maintain that seat of honor for your father. Celebrating his achievements, contributions, and wisdom will reinforce his sense of identity while you navigate these conversations. Family rituals, storytelling sessions about past adventures, and affirmations of his importance set a highly respectful groundwork for future discussions.

A Gentle Path Forward

Addressing the nuances of wealth and aging doesn’t have to compromise familial respect or affection. Approach conversations with understanding and empathy, and focus on preserving your father’s dignity throughout the process. The goal is to nurture a dialogue rooted in love while making sure he knows that his voice matters—now and in the future. As you engage in these talks, remember: it’s about collaboration, co-creating a vision for the future, and ensuring he feels cherished and in control every step of the way.

Surprised by ERISA – Widow Finds Out She Inherits the Retirement Account

January 21, 2025 / David Russell

I was married to "Tom" for two years before he died eight months ago. We started dating almost nine years ago after his first wife died, but decided to marry after he got sick. Tom had a retirement plan with a former employer of almost $200,000 and he told me that his children were the beneficiaries. I have now learned that I am the beneficiary even though the children were named, because of a federal law. How do I explain this to his children? I am afraid it will look like I did something behind their back, but I honestly had no clue that I was the beneficiary. Help me understand this.

Meredith T.

When dealing with the death of a loved one, the emotional turmoil can be overwhelming. In situations involving blended families, like yours, the intricacies of finances and inheritances add an extra layer of complexity. If you’ve recently discovered that you are the beneficiary of your late husband Tom’s retirement plan—despite his children being named on his will—understanding the rules governing retirement accounts under federal law is crucial.

The Role of ERISA

The Employee Retirement Income Security Act (ERISA) governs many retirement plans in the United States and was established to protect the interests of employee benefits plan participants and their beneficiaries. One of its key features is the requirement for retirement plans to provide survivor benefits, particularly to spouses. Here’s how it affects your situation:

Mature woman (60s) helping elderly mother (90s) with paperwork.

Top Five New Year Resolutions for Financial Caregivers

January 14, 2025 / David Russell

As we enter a new year, many of us reflect on our goals and resolutions. For those who are stepping into the role of financial caregiver for an aging parent, the resolutions may take on a more personal and immediate significance. The transition into caregiving can be daunting, but with intentional planning and prioritization, you can provide meaningful support to your parent while also safeguarding your own well-being. Here are the top five priorities for financial caregivers to consider when making their New Year’s resolutions.

Preparing for the Care of Pets

December 10, 2024 / David Russell

I am an 85 year old widow with one daughter who is estranged from me and will not inherit from my estate. My accountant tells me I have more than enough to take care of me for life. My concern is for my pets. I have several cats that I want to be sure are taken care of when I die or if I have to go to a nursing home. It would break my heart if they were separated or orphaned. One of my sitters has offered to care for them, but how can I be sure the money will be used for the care of my pets and not for personal gain?

Margaret B

Your pets have obviously been wonderful companions for you, especially since you are widowed and sadly, do not have a relationship with your daughter. Facing the reality of what will happen to your furry friends when you can no longer care for them is understandably daunting. Your concern for their well-being is admirable, and it’s wonderful to see how deeply you care for them. The good news is that there are several practical steps you can take to ensure that your pets are cared for in the way you desire, even after you are no longer able to do so.

Understanding Your Options

Your primary focus should be on establishing a plan that will guarantee your pets continued love, support, and care. Given that your daughter is estranged, it’s comforting to know that you have a pet sitter who is willing to step in. Before making any decisions, it’s essential to understand various options available to you.

Pet Trusts: One of the most effective ways to ensure your pets are cared for according to your wishes is by establishing a pet trust. This legal arrangement allows you to set aside funds specifically for the care of your pets after you pass away or become unable to care for them. Pet trusts work by naming a trustee (which can be a trusted friend, family member, or professional) who will manage the funds you’ve allocated for your pets’ care. This can help ensure that the money is used exclusively for their welfare. Additionally, you can name a caregiver for your pets, such as your sitter, and provide them with specific instructions on how you want your pets to be treated.

Some key features of pet trusts include:

- Accessibility: The funds are accessible to the caregiver for things like food, veterinary care, and any special needs your pets may have.
- Oversight: A trustee can help monitor the use of funds, minimizing the risk of mismanagement.
- Duration: Pet trusts can last for the duration of your pets’ lives, offering ongoing support.
Incorporating Instructions in a Will: If establishing a pet trust feels overwhelming, you can also include instructions about your pets in your will. This can designate your sitter or another trusted friend as their caregiver after your passing. However, one downside to this approach is that funds for your pets’ care may not be as protected and may be used for unintended purposes.

Daughter-in-law uses the “D Word” with Mom.

December 3, 2024 / David Russell

I am 81 years old and I live with my son and daughter-in-law. My husband died two years ago and my son insisted I move in with he and his wife. The problem is, my daughter-in-law thinks I have dementia, and uses hurtful comments like, 'well, that's just your dementia talking' or 'you must have Alzheimer's because you're so forgetful.' I hate being a burden on them, but I am most upset that my husband and I did not have a plan for this time in our life. I'd rather be living in my own home, but I don't see a way out. I feel trapped.

Margaret T.

I want you to know that your feelings of frustration and being trapped are valid, and it takes immense courage to share your thoughts. The transition into a new living arrangement at this stage in life, especially after the loss of your husband, can be incredibly challenging. You deserve to feel respected, valued, and autonomous even if you aren’t in your own home.

It’s important to recognize that both you and your daughter-in-law may be feeling overwhelmed. Caregiving can be exhausting, and sometimes stress can lead to comments that hurt more than help. Acknowledging that both sides may be struggling can create a foundation for better communication.

Open Communication is Key

I encourage you to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your son and daughter-in-law. Consider proposing a family meeting where everyone can express their feelings in a safe space. It may be beneficial to prepare what you want to say beforehand, so you feel more confident in expressing your thoughts clearly.

Express how hurtful comments about your cognitive state make you feel. You have the right to set boundaries around how you wish to be spoken to, and doing so can help foster a more respectful and supportive atmosphere at home.

Exploring Options for Independence

If living independently is something you desire, this could be a good time to explore options:

Discuss Alternative Living Arrangements: You could gently approach the idea of looking into independent living or assisted living facilities that might provide the support you need while allowing you to have your own space.
Maintain Your Social Life: It’s critical that you are able to maintain your social life. If there are friends that you connected with before, take measures to reconnect with them through activities, outings, or personal visits. If this isn’t possible, then using technology to connect with these friends in a personal way should be explored. This will help with feelings of isolation.
Consider Home Care Services: If it feels right, suggest the possibility of hiring a part-time caregiver. This could alleviate some of the burden on your son and daughter-in-law while allowing you to maintain privacy and independence.
Leverage Technology: If forgetfulness is concerning, devices that offer reminders for daily tasks can help manage that worry and allow you to maintain autonomy.

Dealing with Regrets

It’s clear that you are grappling with significant emotions, including regret about not having made plans for this phase of life with your husband. It’s common for many couples to focus on the present rather than anticipating future changes, which can sometimes lead to feelings of uncertainty and helplessness. Recognizing this regret is painful, but it can also offer a valuable lesson to others who may find themselves in similar situations.

The truth is that life can be unpredictable; having a plan, even a loose one, can provide a sense of security and options when challenges arise. As difficult as it is to navigate these circumstances now, your experience serves as an important reminder for others: it’s never too late to start planning for the future, regardless of age. Engaging in discussions about potential care needs, living arrangements, and preferences, even when everything seems fine, can pave the way for smoother transitions later.

Prioritizing Your Wellbeing

As you navigate these challenges, don’t forget to prioritize your mental health. Setting aside time for hobbies, reading, or simply relaxing can help you rediscover joy in daily life. If you feel comfortable, talking to a counselor or joining a support group for seniors can also provide a valuable outlet.

Consider keeping a gratitude journal to focus on the positives in your life, which can be empowering and uplifting as you work through this transition.

Moving Forward

Remember that though it may feel difficult, there are paths to reclaim your agency and independence. Your feelings matter, and advocating for your own needs is both important and appropriate. Life transitions can indeed be daunting, but with open communication and proactive steps, you can guide your situation toward greater respect and fulfillment.

I hope these suggestions resonate with you, and I wish you all the best as you move forward. You are not alone in this journey, and there is hope for a fulfilling future.