Tag: caregiving (Page 1 of 2)

Hollywood Cases Highlight the Benefits of Long Term Care Trusts.

March 4, 2025 / David Russell / 0 Comments

When planning for long-term care, many individuals focus on purchasing insurance or setting aside assets to cover future expenses. However, financial abuse and mismanagement can derail even the best-laid plans. A long-term care trust offers a structured, protective approach to ensuring that funds are used appropriately, especially when an individual is no longer able to manage their own affairs.

What Is a Long-Term Care Trust?

A long-term care trust is a standby revocable trust designed to provide financial oversight for an individual’s long-term care needs. While the settlor (the person creating the trust) is capable, they retain control over the trust assets. However, the trust includes springing provisions—legal language that allows a successor trustee to step in and take over management if the settlor is deemed incapacitated.

The trust can own various assets, including long-term care insurance policies, life insurance policies with long-term care riders, and liquid assets designated for care-related expenses. Once the successor trustee takes over, they are responsible for filing insurance claims, paying expenses from the trust, and managing trust assets to ensure care needs are met.

Lessons from the John Amos and Mickey Rooney Cases

One of the most compelling reasons to consider a long-term care trust is to prevent financial exploitation, as tragically illustrated in the John Amos and Mickey Rooney cases.

John Amos, a well-known actor, who died in 2014, has been called a victim of elder financial abuse by his adult children, each claiming that the abuse was perpetrated by the other.

Mickey Rooney, another famous actor, provided powerful testimony before Congress about the financial abuse he endured in his later years. Rooney described how he was isolated, financially exploited, and left without access to his own money. His testimony shed light on the widespread issue of elder financial abuse and the devastating impact it can have on an individual’s dignity and well-being.

A long-term care trust may have helped prevent such abuse by placing financial oversight in the hands of a designated trustee rather than leaving assets vulnerable to manipulation by infighting siblings or self-serving outsiders. With a properly structured trust, all care-related expenses are managed transparently and according to predefined terms, reducing the risk of unauthorized withdrawals or misuse.

Key Benefits of a Long-Term Care Trust

Ensures Funds Are Used for Care Needs
By designating a trust to own long-term care policies and other assets, funds are explicitly earmarked for care expenses. This prevents potential misappropriation by well-meaning but financially strained family members.
Streamlines Insurance Claims and Payments
Managing long-term care insurance claims can be overwhelming, especially when a person is already facing health challenges. The trustee, as the legal owner of the policy, handles all paperwork, ensuring that claims are filed correctly and benefits are used as intended.
Protects Against Financial Exploitation
With a structured oversight system in place, there is a clear fiduciary duty to manage funds appropriately. The trustee must follow the trust’s terms, keeping records and providing transparency that minimizes opportunities for fraud or undue influence.
Reduces Family Conflicts and Burdens
Family members often struggle with decisions about paying for care, especially when different parties have competing financial interests. A long-term care trust provides clear guidelines, removing ambiguity and reducing potential disputes.
Offers Continuity and Professional Management
If a person becomes incapacitated, the transition of financial management is seamless. The springing provision allows for immediate oversight by the successor trustee, avoiding court intervention or delays that could disrupt care.

Selecting the Right Trustee: The Case for a Professional

Perhaps the most critical decision when establishing a long-term care trust is choosing the right trustee. While some individuals select a family member, this can create conflicts of interest, emotional strain, and potential mismanagement. Instead, using a professional trustee—either an institutional trustee (such as a bank trust department) or an independent professional trustee—offers significant advantages:

Objectivity – A professional trustee is neutral and bound by fiduciary duties, making decisions based on the trust’s terms rather than personal interests.
Expertise – Managing long-term care expenses requires financial, legal, and insurance knowledge that a professional trustee brings to the table.
Accountability – Unlike family members, professional trustees are legally required to keep records, report transactions, and manage funds prudently.
Reliability – Professionals are available long-term and will not face personal circumstances (such as illness or financial hardship) that might interfere with management duties.

A long-term care trust is a powerful tool for ensuring that assets are managed effectively, claims are handled properly, and financial abuse is prevented. By structuring the trust with springing provisions and selecting a professional trustee, individuals can safeguard their care needs and provide peace of mind for themselves and their families.

In a world where financial abuse and care mismanagement are real threats, a well-crafted long-term care trust offers a practical, protective, and proactive solution. Whether planning for yourself or helping a loved one, considering this option is a smart financial move that can make all the difference when it matters most.

When Our Care Plans Went Off-The-Rails

February 21, 2025 / David Russell

When my parents approached or passed 80 years, they lived more than 500 miles from my siblings and me. As they and their friends aged, the writing became clearly written on the wall of their minds. They needed to be closer to family. As they considered their options, the one that seemed to make the most sense was a highly rated CCRC facility only 15 minutes from us that would allow them to live independently in a detached home, with access to Assisted Living, Memory Care, and Skilled Nursing all within the same campus.

The Move Into a CCRC Facility

They paid a significant entry fee of approximately $290,000 in 2009 as well as a monthly fee of around $3,000 that guaranteed them continual care for the remainder of their lives. In addition, future costs were predictable. The fixed monthly fee would only increase slightly each year, but that was much less than the monthly rate they would pay if either of them entered any of the care units only when they needed it. Prepaying while they were independent also gave them priority status over those who lived outside the CCRC campus on room availability.

About four years later, dad’s dementia got worse, and he moved to the memory care unit just down the street from their house. Not long after that, he was moved to the skilled nursing facility where he died within a year. Mom continued to live in independent housing for the next 10 years and maintained an active social life.

The Impact of COVID on Facility Staffing

In 2020-2021 during the Covid-19 pandemic, nursing homes around the country were limiting or curtailing visitation of family members. At the same time, nursing homes and other care facilities around the country were experiencing severe shortages of workers, either lost by attrition during the pandemic, or those who were working dropped out of the workforce and either did not return or found work elsewhere. Little did we know how this would impact mom‘s care later.

Mom's Move to Skilled Nursing Care

In late 2023, at age 94, mom suffered a bad fall resulting in stroke–like cognitive impairment that required her to move into the skilled nursing facility of the CCRC. She was also a fall risk, so leaving her unattended for even the shortest period risks her getting out of the bed or her chair (which she has done on more than one occasion), thus far avoiding a severe injury. We were informed by the staff that they did not have enough workers to monitor mom close enough to prevent a fall, so we were encouraged to hire private, 24/7 sitters for mom, because even at night when she is sleeping, she will try getting out of bed on her own.

Our Financial Plans Went Off the Rails

Financially, we are blessed. Mom and Dad had enough resources to enter a facility that is not feasible for many. However, the long term plan did not consider that in addition to the CCRC’s cost, we would also need to add private sitter costs on top of the CCRC cost. We believed – rightly or wrongly – that the CCRC would be all they would ever need from the time of their move until they both died. Now, fifteen years after their initial move to the CCRC, they have paid over $1 million to the CCRC and are currently paying nearly $20,000 per month because of the additional care we are having to hire privately.

As the financial planner for my parents when all of this began, I am lamenting my unpreparedness for this contingency – not because it means less of an inheritance for my siblings and I (we’ve all been given more than we deserve) but because financial planning is largely about adding certainly to uncertain outcomes, and I believed that the CCRC option provided more certainty. We may have still chosen the CCRC for many other reasons, but it was a mistake to think that costs would be predictable. After forty years practicing financial planning, if there is one lesson on repeat in my own life, it is that nothing is certain, and financial plans are best made using a pencil with a very fat eraser.

Moral of the Story

The moral to this story is that long term care is expensive. It is unpredictable, uncertain, and will look different than what you plan for. If receiving care is in your future – meaning you don’t die on the way towards some level of dependency – over-insure for it, over-estimate the cost of it, plan for receiving it longer than you think, and if you do have the resources to self-insure for it, discuss your plans with your heirs or adult children before you need care. Otherwise, that bumper sticker you used to see on the back of an RV traveling down the highway, might best be saved for the door of your room at the care facility.

Comparing and Contrasting Advanced Aging and Wealth Disparities

February 18, 2025 / David Russell

Early in my career, my sales manager asked his group of trainees of which I was one, “what is the difference between and elderly gentleman and an old man.” His response... “Money.”

Aging is an inescapable aspect of the human experience, and yet, the pathways through advanced age can be profoundly affected by various socio-economic factors, particularly wealth disparities. While financial resources impact access to care and quality of life for older adults, wealth alone does not guarantee a positive aging experience. Instead, the availability of resources often hinges on the willingness and commitment of caregivers, healthcare professionals, and community systems to provide adequate support.

Physical Health

As we enter advanced age, we inevitably face a range of physical challenges, including chronic illnesses, mobility issues, and sensory declines. While the wealthier among us may typically enjoy better overall health outcomes due to greater access to quality healthcare, nutrition, and supportive living environments, having financial means does not inherently ensure effective care.

Access to healthcare requires not only financial resources but also a network of committed healthcare providers, family members, and community support systems. Wealthy individuals might struggle if their caregivers are untrained, unavailable, or unwilling to facilitate their healthcare needs. Even with the best financial means, older adults can encounter barriers if there are no supportive systems in place to bridge the gap between available resources and personal needs. Michael Jackson had immense wealth and popularity, but towards the end of his life, he faced significant financial and personal challenges. Despite his financial resources, he had ongoing battles with management and family members over how his wealth was managed and was often surrounded by individuals who may not have had his best interests at heart.

Additionally, affluent seniors may have access to physical therapy, personal trainers, or wellness programs, but their benefits depend largely on the commitment and expertise of those administering the services. If caregivers lack the necessary skills or motivation to engage individuals in maintaining their physical health, the impact of wealth can be diminished. Therefore, it becomes crucial to recognize that financial ability without the support of capable caregivers may not translate to better health outcomes in aging.

Psychological Well-being

The psychological dimensions of aging are equally complex, with the implications of financial status playing a pivotal role in mental health. Feelings of loneliness and depression are profound concerns for seniors, particularly those facing the isolation that can accompany advancing age. Wealth can potentially provide mechanisms to combat loneliness—such as access to social clubs, travel, or companionship services—but again, financial means do not guarantee emotional well-being. Howard Hughes, the world’s first billionaire, suffered from years of self-neglect and declining mental health.

Wealthy individuals often benefit from networks that can provide such engagement, but they remain dependent on the reliability and affection of those around them. A lack of authentic connection can lead to feelings of emptiness, regardless of financial security. Conversely, seniors with limited financial means may find solace and community among family and friends, fostering psychological resilience even in the face of economic constraints.

Moreover, the attitudes and values of society toward aging can affect how both wealthy and impoverished individuals perceive their aging experience. In cultures that devalue the elderly or view aging as a burden, both wealth and poverty can lead to feelings of despair. What is required, therefore, is not just a financial remedy but a cultural shift that underscores the importance of maintaining psychological health through connection and mutual respect.

Cultural Perceptions

Cultural contexts wield considerable influence over the experiences of aging and perceptions of dignity. In societies that honor elders, aging is often regarded as a time of wisdom and respect, with cultural rituals and familial support playing crucial roles regardless of economic status. Here, dignity can be preserved through community engagement and intergenerational connections, promoting a rich sense of belonging.

However, wealth-driven cultures may regard aging more negatively, often associating it with decline and reduced productivity. This perspective can be particularly damaging for those who are financially disadvantaged. Yet, wealthier individuals are not entirely insulated from ageism—experiences of bias can still permeate their lives if society does not respect and value older adults. Actor Micky Rooney’s family gained control over his assets and personal freedom, even as the actor was objecting to the very authorities that were in place to protect him. Only after hiring and taking legal action, did he prevail with regaining his autonomy.

The key to maintaining dignity across cultural spectrums lies in fostering environments that are inclusive and supportive. This can be achieved through community programs that promote understanding and appreciation of aging and encourage engagement between generations. Such initiatives can help bridge the gap between economic divides, reinforcing the idea that respect for elders should not be predicated on financial status.

Dignity and Integrity Across Wealth Status

Ultimately, dignity and integrity are universal entitlements that transcend financial circumstances. Regardless of wealth, all individuals deserve recognition and respect for their life journeys. The challenge lies in creating a society that honors this belief and ensures equitable access to resources and support. All of the world’s wisdom traditions include honoring elders as one of its core tenants, but we have a history of unobservance. Jesus rebuked the Pharisees for their legalistic adherence to tithing, while they pardoned parental neglect (Matthew 15:1-9).

One promising trend is the development of intergenerational relationships that enable older adults to share their wisdom and experiences while offering younger generations insights into the realities of aging. In doing so, society nurtures an environment where all elders feel valued and empowered.

In this world view, it matters not whether someone accesses care and services through charity, Medicaid, or from personal wealth, each is treated the same.

The relationship between advanced aging and wealth disparities presents both opportunities and challenges. While financial resources can significantly influence physical health, psychological well-being, and cultural perceptions, they do not exist in isolation. The availability of these resources ultimately hinges on the commitment and compassion of caregivers, family members, and community networks. By recognizing and embracing the inherent dignity of every individual, regardless of their financial situation, society can cultivate an environment where all older adults are respected, valued, and supported in their journey through aging. In this way, the focus shifts from the limitations imposed by wealth disparities to the shared human experience of aging, highlighting the importance of connection, mutual respect, and integrity.

Mature woman (60s) helping elderly mother (90s) with paperwork.

Top Five New Year Resolutions for Financial Caregivers

January 14, 2025 / David Russell

As we enter a new year, many of us reflect on our goals and resolutions. For those who are stepping into the role of financial caregiver for an aging parent, the resolutions may take on a more personal and immediate significance. The transition into caregiving can be daunting, but with intentional planning and prioritization, you can provide meaningful support to your parent while also safeguarding your own well-being. Here are the top five priorities for financial caregivers to consider when making their New Year’s resolutions.

Daughter-in-law uses the “D Word” with Mom.

December 3, 2024 / David Russell

I am 81 years old and I live with my son and daughter-in-law. My husband died two years ago and my son insisted I move in with he and his wife. The problem is, my daughter-in-law thinks I have dementia, and uses hurtful comments like, 'well, that's just your dementia talking' or 'you must have Alzheimer's because you're so forgetful.' I hate being a burden on them, but I am most upset that my husband and I did not have a plan for this time in our life. I'd rather be living in my own home, but I don't see a way out. I feel trapped.

Margaret T.

I want you to know that your feelings of frustration and being trapped are valid, and it takes immense courage to share your thoughts. The transition into a new living arrangement at this stage in life, especially after the loss of your husband, can be incredibly challenging. You deserve to feel respected, valued, and autonomous even if you aren’t in your own home.

It’s important to recognize that both you and your daughter-in-law may be feeling overwhelmed. Caregiving can be exhausting, and sometimes stress can lead to comments that hurt more than help. Acknowledging that both sides may be struggling can create a foundation for better communication.

Open Communication is Key

I encourage you to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your son and daughter-in-law. Consider proposing a family meeting where everyone can express their feelings in a safe space. It may be beneficial to prepare what you want to say beforehand, so you feel more confident in expressing your thoughts clearly.

Express how hurtful comments about your cognitive state make you feel. You have the right to set boundaries around how you wish to be spoken to, and doing so can help foster a more respectful and supportive atmosphere at home.

Exploring Options for Independence

If living independently is something you desire, this could be a good time to explore options:

Discuss Alternative Living Arrangements: You could gently approach the idea of looking into independent living or assisted living facilities that might provide the support you need while allowing you to have your own space.
Maintain Your Social Life: It’s critical that you are able to maintain your social life. If there are friends that you connected with before, take measures to reconnect with them through activities, outings, or personal visits. If this isn’t possible, then using technology to connect with these friends in a personal way should be explored. This will help with feelings of isolation.
Consider Home Care Services: If it feels right, suggest the possibility of hiring a part-time caregiver. This could alleviate some of the burden on your son and daughter-in-law while allowing you to maintain privacy and independence.
Leverage Technology: If forgetfulness is concerning, devices that offer reminders for daily tasks can help manage that worry and allow you to maintain autonomy.

Dealing with Regrets

It’s clear that you are grappling with significant emotions, including regret about not having made plans for this phase of life with your husband. It’s common for many couples to focus on the present rather than anticipating future changes, which can sometimes lead to feelings of uncertainty and helplessness. Recognizing this regret is painful, but it can also offer a valuable lesson to others who may find themselves in similar situations.

The truth is that life can be unpredictable; having a plan, even a loose one, can provide a sense of security and options when challenges arise. As difficult as it is to navigate these circumstances now, your experience serves as an important reminder for others: it’s never too late to start planning for the future, regardless of age. Engaging in discussions about potential care needs, living arrangements, and preferences, even when everything seems fine, can pave the way for smoother transitions later.

Prioritizing Your Wellbeing

As you navigate these challenges, don’t forget to prioritize your mental health. Setting aside time for hobbies, reading, or simply relaxing can help you rediscover joy in daily life. If you feel comfortable, talking to a counselor or joining a support group for seniors can also provide a valuable outlet.

Consider keeping a gratitude journal to focus on the positives in your life, which can be empowering and uplifting as you work through this transition.

Moving Forward

Remember that though it may feel difficult, there are paths to reclaim your agency and independence. Your feelings matter, and advocating for your own needs is both important and appropriate. Life transitions can indeed be daunting, but with open communication and proactive steps, you can guide your situation toward greater respect and fulfillment.

I hope these suggestions resonate with you, and I wish you all the best as you move forward. You are not alone in this journey, and there is hope for a fulfilling future.

Politics isn’t the only subject to avoid at Thanksgiving!

November 25, 2024 / David Russell

My siblings and I will be gathering at our parents' home for Thanksgiving this year. It's the first time we've all been together in over five years. Our parents are in their early 80's and while they are independent now, my siblings and I have wondered whether they have a plan for advanced age or long term care. Since we are not all together often, would this be a good time to ask our parents what their plans are? My sister says yes, but my brother says it will only ruin Thanksgiving.

Belinda J.

Thanksgiving is meant to be a time of joy, gratitude, and family togetherness. But when important questions, such as aging and long-term care, linger in the background, it can pose a significant dilemma or create unwanted drama at the dinner table if broached without caution.

While the intent is certainly rooted in love and concern, many professionals suggest that Thanksgiving may not be the ideal time for such sensitive discussions. To best address your question, let’s look at several reasons why it may be better to postpone this important conversation and offer guidance on how to plan for a more appropriate time to delve into these discussions later.

Reasons Why Thanksgiving May Not Be the Ideal Time

Emotional Atmosphere: Thanksgiving can be an emotionally charged time for many families. The holiday brings together various sentiments—nostalgia, joy, and sometimes even stress—that may not create a conducive environment for serious discussions about aging. Introducing a heavy topic could unintentionally dampen the festive spirit.
Distractions and Busyness: During Thanksgiving, families often find themselves caught up in preparations, cooking, and entertaining. These distractions can make it hard to focus on a deep, meaningful conversation. An environment filled with noise and activity may prevent the thoughtful dialogue that these conversations require.
Fear of Conflict: Sensitive subjects about aging can sometimes lead to disagreements among family members. Introductions of differing opinions or concerns could escalate into tension, overshadowing the positive interactions that Thanksgiving aims for.
Lack of Preparation: Both parents and adult children might not be mentally or emotionally prepared to engage in discussions about long-term care during a holiday focused on gratitude and celebration. It’s essential to choose a time when everyone can reflect on the topic without distraction or stress.

Planning for an Intentional Conversation

Given these factors, it might be wise to plan for a more suitable discussion about long-term care and aging when the atmosphere is more relaxed and conducive to open dialogue. Here are some steps to help facilitate this:

Identify an Appropriate Time: Choose another family gathering—perhaps a holiday meal in the coming months or a family barbecue in the summer—as a priority for these crucial discussions. Setting a specific date allows family members to mentally prepare and ensures they’re ready to engage in constructive dialogue.
Create a Comforting Environment: Once you have a date in mind, plan the environment thoughtfully. A comfortable, quiet setting can enhance communication, allowing for open discussions where everyone feels heard and respected.
Build the Foundation Early: In the lead-up to your planned discussion, consider mentioning the importance of discussing aging and long-term care in a less formal setting. A casual conversation in passing can help normalize the subject. For example, during a family call or chat, you might say something like, “I’ve been reading a lot about aging and care planning; it’s something we should consider as a family.”
Engage Gently During Thanksgiving: Use the Thanksgiving gathering to plant the seed without forcing the conversation. You could bring up related topics, such as discussions about recent medical advancements or friends’ experiences in caring for aging parents. This can pave the way for future conversations without putting anyone on the spot.
Reassure Your Parents: If you know your parents have some thoughts about their future care plans, encouraging an ongoing dialogue can make them feel involved in the decision-making process. For instance, you can express appreciation for their independence and state, “I admire how well you both are managing, and I think it would be comforting for all of us to have a plan in place moving forward.”

Fostering Ongoing Conversations

Once you’ve planted the seed and the initial discussion takes place, continue to foster the conversation. This topic doesn’t need to be resolved in one sitting. Encourage check-ins that keep it open, ensuring that everyone feels comfortable discussing changes or updates in the future.

By creating a culture of transparent communication around aging, your family can approach the subject in a way that feels natural rather than forced.

Prioritize Connection Over Timing

While Thanksgiving offers a wonderful opportunity to bond as a family, it may not be the best moment to tackle serious discussions about aging and long-term care. By postponing this conversation to a more suitable setting, families can ensure that everyone is willing and able to engage thoughtfully. Planning intentional discussions and subtly introducing the topic can pave the way for a supportive dialogue, ensuring that family members feel connected and prepared for the future care of their loved ones. By prioritizing the right time and environment, families can foster an atmosphere of love and understanding while addressing the realities of aging head-on.

Dad has become “a Monster”

October 31, 2024 / David Russell

I know I'm supposed to keep a good attitude with my aging father. He moved in with us about six months ago after Mom died, but he has become a monster! He is demanding and expects me to wait on him hand and foot. He belittles me and is inconsiderate to my husband. He's even become suspicious of my handling his finances, which he is unable to do on his own due to his cognitive decline. I have two other siblings who live far away and they have no idea how difficult this is. I promised Mom I wouldn't put him in a nursing home, but this has become more difficult than I imagined.

Margaret A.

Ah, the joys of caregiving—where the role of dutiful child transforms into an unexpected stint as a live-in ghostbuster. Take a moment to appreciate the ghastly twist your life has taken since your father moved in after your mother’s passing. What started as an extension of your compassion and hospitality has somehow morphed into a full-blown horror show. Six months in, he’s become a monster! It sounds like you’re living in a haunted house, filled with demands that would make even the most patient caretaker break out in a cold sweat.

As the days turn into a series of eerie encounters, navigating your father’s new demands must feel like you are a character in an Edgar Allen Poe short story. From expecting to be waited on hand and foot to belittling comments, the challenges of caregiving can resemble a horror movie gone awry. It’s natural to feel frustrated and overwhelmed when the person you’re trying to support appears possessed by something other than common courtesy.

Reader asks, “What’s the difference between ‘assisted living’ and ‘nursing home care?

October 1, 2024 / David Russell

My father is 89 and seems to be forgetting things like taking his medications and practicing good hygiene. Last week, while visiting him at his home, it was clear he hadn't bathed for several days and he looked unkempt. I've been looking into nursing homes in the area where I live, but a friend suggested I look into an assisted living facility instead. What are the differences and is one generally more expensive than another?

Stan B.

It’s understandable to feel apprehensive when you notice changes in a loved one’s well-being, especially in their later years. Aging brings a myriad of challenges, and your attentiveness to these issues is commendable.

Your father’s situation—forgetting about medications and neglecting personal hygiene—is not uncommon among seniors. It can be difficult for them to maintain independence while also ensuring their needs are met adequately. Given these circumstances, exploring options like nursing homes and assisted living facilities is a wise move.

Dad has Alzheimer’s. Mom asked me to take over the finances. Where do I start?

September 17, 2024 / David Russell

I just found out my dad has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. My mom called me and through tears asked if I would take over their financial affairs while she tends to Dad's care. I have no idea where to start, what they have, or where to find anything. I think they are fairly well off. They live comfortably and own a vacation property in Idaho that we all use occasionally. I have an older brother, so I'm not sure if I have the authority to do anything. She did say they have Wills in a safe deposit box, but I don't know how to access it. What should I do now?

Shelly T.

Receiving news about a loved one’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis is undoubtedly a heavy burden. It’s challenging to process the emotional ramifications, and on top of that, your mother is reaching out for help regarding their financial affairs. It’s natural to feel overwhelmed and unsure of where to start, but you’re not alone in this.

While this will be a profoundly personal journey, here are a few tips to begin the process of taking over financial decisions.

Mom leaves more to one child than another: what could go wrong?

September 10, 2024 / David Russell

Three years ago, my mother moved in with me and I became her full time caregiver. Last year she changed her will to leave more to me than my sister who hasn't done anything for her care. In fact, she hasn't spoken to mom since she moved in with me. I don't get paid for providing care, but I do use her social security check to help pay for household bills and groceries. Aside from that, mom has a sizeable stock account that she inherited from our dad. I'm worried my sister may cause trouble when mom dies and learns she doesn't get as much as I do. Should I ask her to change her will to be more equal?

Esther B.

I can sense the unease in your voice. As caregiver for your mother, it makes sense that she might favor you in her will, especially if your sister isn’t interested in a relationship with your mom. While your question is more about what happens after your mother dies, my hope is that there will be opportunities to communicate with your sister before that happens, resolve the rift between her and your mother, and avoid the potential conflicts that may arise. Ultimately the decision to accept the provisions of your mother’s will is hers.

That said, let’s discuss some practical issues to address your concerns, minimize legal complications, and discourage potential disputes with your sister when it comes to your mother’s will.

Understanding the Legal Framework

First, it’s important to ensure that the change your mother made to her will is legally sound. The will must have been updated at a time when your mother was fully competent and free from undue influence. Consulting an estate attorney can ensure all legal protocols were followed, thus making it less vulnerable to future challenges.
Was the change made with the assistance of an attorney? Although it’s not a requirement, using an attorney to execute legal documents like wills can avoid the mistakes people make when doing it themselves. Often, people will write a will in their own handwriting (called a holographic will). While these may be valid, these types of wills are easily disputed and may not have followed the procedures for valid will executions in the state where the person resides.
Assuming your mother did use a lawyer, and at the time did possess the capacity to execute a new will, who was present in the room with your mother’s lawyer when she changed her will? Just your mother? You with your mother? Only you? Ideally, it was only your mother. If you were present, did the lawyer directly address your mother or direct questions to you? The less your involvement in the meeting, the less likely you could be open to accusations of undue influence.

Guarding Against Will Contests

If your sister decides to contest the will, she could potentially claim undue influence or argue that your mother lacked the mental capacity to make such a change. To prepare for such scenarios, work with her attorney to maintain thorough records of the discussions and motivations behind the will’s adjustments. This documentation reinforces that the decision was made independently and with full awareness.
Did your mother include a no-contest clause to her will? Known as an in terrorem clause, this can discourage your sister from contesting the will, as she risks forfeiting her inheritance if she loses the challenge. While this is not enforceable in every jurisdiction, where applicable, it serves as a strong preventive measure.
A letter of intent can also be included, detailing your mother’s reasoning behind her decisions. This document, although not legally binding, provides context that could be useful in defending the will against disputes. Sometimes, these are prepared by the person creating the will, but the attorney may also provide this service.
Keeping detailed records of your caregiving responsibilities and related expenses is crucial. Not only does it validate the more substantial inheritance in compensation for your caregiving role, but it also provides a clear, factual basis for the distribution decision should your sister challenge it.

Proactive Communication and Mediation

Facilitating open communication with your mother and sister could be beneficial. If your mother is comfortable, hosting a family discussion where she shares her reasons for the will’s changes may help your sister understand the context and reduce tension. Transparency often alleviates suspicions and pre-empts conflicts.

If direct communication seems difficult, consider bringing in a professional mediator. A neutral third party can help facilitate productive discussions and address any underlying concerns or grievances. This proactive step can prevent more heated disputes down the line.

Engaging a Professional Team

Engaging the right team is critical. Not only can a team of professionals provide advice and counsel, but their presence and involvement demonstrate that you are not acting alone in managing your mom’s affairs. If her lawyer does not specialize in estate planning or elder law, you can look for one near you by visiting the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys. Other team members might include a geriatric care manager, financial planner, or family counselor.

By addressing these issues now—through open communication, legal safeguards, thorough documentation, and professional advice—you can reduce the likelihood of disputes and honor your mother’s wishes effectively. While it’s a challenging situation, approaching it with preparation and empathy can help maintain family harmony and respect for everyone involved.

Learn How to Be a Financial Caregiver

Enroll in Financial Caregiver Academy Today!

Learn More