Tag: eldercare (Page 1 of 3)

Son of aging patriarch wants to maintain his dad’s honor.

January 28, 2025 / David Russell / 0 Comments

I come from a family of significant wealth. My father is now 81 years old, and while he seems mentally sharp, some of his decision-making has been uncharacteristic. He recently made a large donation to a charity he had never given to before. He is a proud man, and reluctant to give up control, even though there are things in place when the time comes. How do we broach the subject with him and what can we do if he refuses to accept the facts? We want him to keep his dignity and position.

Manuel V.

Navigating Conversations About Wealth and Aging with Grace

In families where financial success has been a hallmark, discussions surrounding wealth, control, and legacy can be tough—especially as parents age. Your father’s recent charitable contributions may raise concerns, but it’s essential to approach this sensitive subject with empathy and respect. Here’s how you can navigate these delicate conversations while preserving his dignity and allowing him to feel valued as the patriarch of the family.

Understanding the Situation

First, it’s important to recognize that many factors can influence decision-making as we age. Aging by itself does not necessarily lead to poor decision-making or dementia. Just look at Warren Buffet and Charlie Munger! While your father may still be mentally sharp, the complexities of life—both personal and financial—can lead to decisions that seem uncharacteristic. However, before you leap to conclusions, seeking to understand his motivations could serve as a foundation for a productive conversation. Perhaps his charitable donation stems from a newfound passion, a desire to leave an impactful legacy, or even a change in perspectives about wealth and its purpose.

Offer a Safe Space for Dialogue

Instead of confronting your father with concerns about his decision-making, create a comfortable atmosphere to discuss his feelings about wealth and legacy. Consider inviting him to share his thoughts during a leisurely meal or while engaging in activities he enjoys. Approach the conversation with an open heart, focused on the emotions behind his actions rather than the actions themselves. This doesn’t merely preserve his dignity; it also fosters connection, allowing him to voice his values and aspirations openly.

Engaging with Empathy

When you do address the topic, use “I” statements to express your feelings. For instance, “I feel concerned when I see you making decisions that seem different from what I know about you,” can invite a thoughtful dialogue, as opposed to “You need to stop making these kinds of decisions.” By framing your concerns in a personal way, you reduce the chances of triggering defensiveness and encourage an exchange of ideas.

Find Common Ground

Discussing your values around wealth can create a shared understanding. Explore the family’s legacy and your father’s vision for it versus your own aspirations. Ask questions like, “How do you envision our family’s impact in the community?” or “What causes have you always wanted to support?” This can lead to meaningful conversation about future donations, charitable engagements, or family philanthropy.

Easing Control Through Involvement

If your father shows reluctance to discuss his wealth management or the options you’ve prepped for the future, consider inviting him to participate in the planning process rather than sidelining him. Ask him for guidance or his ideas on legacy planning, investment strategies, or philanthropy initiatives. Validating his input can ease any feelings of loss over control and provide comfort in knowing that his opinions still hold weight.

Acknowledge His Fears

Social aging can evoke fears of loss—of autonomy, control, and identity. While you might fully understand the necessity of planning, your father may experience anxiety when contemplating his mortality or the redistribution of his wealth. Reassure him that your concerns stem from love and respect, and that preserving his legacy is the ultimate goal.

Acceptance and Action

If discussions reveal that your father is resistant to acknowledging potential declines in his decision-making capabilities, you might need to accept this reality gracefully. Allow him the space to control his narrative. However, it is vital to prepare for potential scenarios down the road. If discussions don’t lead to substantial change, subtle discussions about bringing in neutral third parties—such as financial advisors or family mediators—can create new avenues for guidance without negating his voice.

Preserving the Seat of Honor

Above all, it is crucial to maintain that seat of honor for your father. Celebrating his achievements, contributions, and wisdom will reinforce his sense of identity while you navigate these conversations. Family rituals, storytelling sessions about past adventures, and affirmations of his importance set a highly respectful groundwork for future discussions.

A Gentle Path Forward

Addressing the nuances of wealth and aging doesn’t have to compromise familial respect or affection. Approach conversations with understanding and empathy, and focus on preserving your father’s dignity throughout the process. The goal is to nurture a dialogue rooted in love while making sure he knows that his voice matters—now and in the future. As you engage in these talks, remember: it’s about collaboration, co-creating a vision for the future, and ensuring he feels cherished and in control every step of the way.

Mature woman (60s) helping elderly mother (90s) with paperwork.

Top Five New Year Resolutions for Financial Caregivers

January 14, 2025 / David Russell

As we enter a new year, many of us reflect on our goals and resolutions. For those who are stepping into the role of financial caregiver for an aging parent, the resolutions may take on a more personal and immediate significance. The transition into caregiving can be daunting, but with intentional planning and prioritization, you can provide meaningful support to your parent while also safeguarding your own well-being. Here are the top five priorities for financial caregivers to consider when making their New Year’s resolutions.

Daughter-in-law uses the “D Word” with Mom.

December 3, 2024 / David Russell

I am 81 years old and I live with my son and daughter-in-law. My husband died two years ago and my son insisted I move in with he and his wife. The problem is, my daughter-in-law thinks I have dementia, and uses hurtful comments like, 'well, that's just your dementia talking' or 'you must have Alzheimer's because you're so forgetful.' I hate being a burden on them, but I am most upset that my husband and I did not have a plan for this time in our life. I'd rather be living in my own home, but I don't see a way out. I feel trapped.

Margaret T.

I want you to know that your feelings of frustration and being trapped are valid, and it takes immense courage to share your thoughts. The transition into a new living arrangement at this stage in life, especially after the loss of your husband, can be incredibly challenging. You deserve to feel respected, valued, and autonomous even if you aren’t in your own home.

It’s important to recognize that both you and your daughter-in-law may be feeling overwhelmed. Caregiving can be exhausting, and sometimes stress can lead to comments that hurt more than help. Acknowledging that both sides may be struggling can create a foundation for better communication.

Open Communication is Key

I encourage you to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your son and daughter-in-law. Consider proposing a family meeting where everyone can express their feelings in a safe space. It may be beneficial to prepare what you want to say beforehand, so you feel more confident in expressing your thoughts clearly.

Express how hurtful comments about your cognitive state make you feel. You have the right to set boundaries around how you wish to be spoken to, and doing so can help foster a more respectful and supportive atmosphere at home.

Exploring Options for Independence

If living independently is something you desire, this could be a good time to explore options:

Discuss Alternative Living Arrangements: You could gently approach the idea of looking into independent living or assisted living facilities that might provide the support you need while allowing you to have your own space.
Maintain Your Social Life: It’s critical that you are able to maintain your social life. If there are friends that you connected with before, take measures to reconnect with them through activities, outings, or personal visits. If this isn’t possible, then using technology to connect with these friends in a personal way should be explored. This will help with feelings of isolation.
Consider Home Care Services: If it feels right, suggest the possibility of hiring a part-time caregiver. This could alleviate some of the burden on your son and daughter-in-law while allowing you to maintain privacy and independence.
Leverage Technology: If forgetfulness is concerning, devices that offer reminders for daily tasks can help manage that worry and allow you to maintain autonomy.

Dealing with Regrets

It’s clear that you are grappling with significant emotions, including regret about not having made plans for this phase of life with your husband. It’s common for many couples to focus on the present rather than anticipating future changes, which can sometimes lead to feelings of uncertainty and helplessness. Recognizing this regret is painful, but it can also offer a valuable lesson to others who may find themselves in similar situations.

The truth is that life can be unpredictable; having a plan, even a loose one, can provide a sense of security and options when challenges arise. As difficult as it is to navigate these circumstances now, your experience serves as an important reminder for others: it’s never too late to start planning for the future, regardless of age. Engaging in discussions about potential care needs, living arrangements, and preferences, even when everything seems fine, can pave the way for smoother transitions later.

Prioritizing Your Wellbeing

As you navigate these challenges, don’t forget to prioritize your mental health. Setting aside time for hobbies, reading, or simply relaxing can help you rediscover joy in daily life. If you feel comfortable, talking to a counselor or joining a support group for seniors can also provide a valuable outlet.

Consider keeping a gratitude journal to focus on the positives in your life, which can be empowering and uplifting as you work through this transition.

Moving Forward

Remember that though it may feel difficult, there are paths to reclaim your agency and independence. Your feelings matter, and advocating for your own needs is both important and appropriate. Life transitions can indeed be daunting, but with open communication and proactive steps, you can guide your situation toward greater respect and fulfillment.

I hope these suggestions resonate with you, and I wish you all the best as you move forward. You are not alone in this journey, and there is hope for a fulfilling future.

Politics isn’t the only subject to avoid at Thanksgiving!

November 25, 2024 / David Russell

My siblings and I will be gathering at our parents' home for Thanksgiving this year. It's the first time we've all been together in over five years. Our parents are in their early 80's and while they are independent now, my siblings and I have wondered whether they have a plan for advanced age or long term care. Since we are not all together often, would this be a good time to ask our parents what their plans are? My sister says yes, but my brother says it will only ruin Thanksgiving.

Belinda J.

Thanksgiving is meant to be a time of joy, gratitude, and family togetherness. But when important questions, such as aging and long-term care, linger in the background, it can pose a significant dilemma or create unwanted drama at the dinner table if broached without caution.

While the intent is certainly rooted in love and concern, many professionals suggest that Thanksgiving may not be the ideal time for such sensitive discussions. To best address your question, let’s look at several reasons why it may be better to postpone this important conversation and offer guidance on how to plan for a more appropriate time to delve into these discussions later.

Reasons Why Thanksgiving May Not Be the Ideal Time

Emotional Atmosphere: Thanksgiving can be an emotionally charged time for many families. The holiday brings together various sentiments—nostalgia, joy, and sometimes even stress—that may not create a conducive environment for serious discussions about aging. Introducing a heavy topic could unintentionally dampen the festive spirit.
Distractions and Busyness: During Thanksgiving, families often find themselves caught up in preparations, cooking, and entertaining. These distractions can make it hard to focus on a deep, meaningful conversation. An environment filled with noise and activity may prevent the thoughtful dialogue that these conversations require.
Fear of Conflict: Sensitive subjects about aging can sometimes lead to disagreements among family members. Introductions of differing opinions or concerns could escalate into tension, overshadowing the positive interactions that Thanksgiving aims for.
Lack of Preparation: Both parents and adult children might not be mentally or emotionally prepared to engage in discussions about long-term care during a holiday focused on gratitude and celebration. It’s essential to choose a time when everyone can reflect on the topic without distraction or stress.

Planning for an Intentional Conversation

Given these factors, it might be wise to plan for a more suitable discussion about long-term care and aging when the atmosphere is more relaxed and conducive to open dialogue. Here are some steps to help facilitate this:

Identify an Appropriate Time: Choose another family gathering—perhaps a holiday meal in the coming months or a family barbecue in the summer—as a priority for these crucial discussions. Setting a specific date allows family members to mentally prepare and ensures they’re ready to engage in constructive dialogue.
Create a Comforting Environment: Once you have a date in mind, plan the environment thoughtfully. A comfortable, quiet setting can enhance communication, allowing for open discussions where everyone feels heard and respected.
Build the Foundation Early: In the lead-up to your planned discussion, consider mentioning the importance of discussing aging and long-term care in a less formal setting. A casual conversation in passing can help normalize the subject. For example, during a family call or chat, you might say something like, “I’ve been reading a lot about aging and care planning; it’s something we should consider as a family.”
Engage Gently During Thanksgiving: Use the Thanksgiving gathering to plant the seed without forcing the conversation. You could bring up related topics, such as discussions about recent medical advancements or friends’ experiences in caring for aging parents. This can pave the way for future conversations without putting anyone on the spot.
Reassure Your Parents: If you know your parents have some thoughts about their future care plans, encouraging an ongoing dialogue can make them feel involved in the decision-making process. For instance, you can express appreciation for their independence and state, “I admire how well you both are managing, and I think it would be comforting for all of us to have a plan in place moving forward.”

Fostering Ongoing Conversations

Once you’ve planted the seed and the initial discussion takes place, continue to foster the conversation. This topic doesn’t need to be resolved in one sitting. Encourage check-ins that keep it open, ensuring that everyone feels comfortable discussing changes or updates in the future.

By creating a culture of transparent communication around aging, your family can approach the subject in a way that feels natural rather than forced.

Prioritize Connection Over Timing

While Thanksgiving offers a wonderful opportunity to bond as a family, it may not be the best moment to tackle serious discussions about aging and long-term care. By postponing this conversation to a more suitable setting, families can ensure that everyone is willing and able to engage thoughtfully. Planning intentional discussions and subtly introducing the topic can pave the way for a supportive dialogue, ensuring that family members feel connected and prepared for the future care of their loved ones. By prioritizing the right time and environment, families can foster an atmosphere of love and understanding while addressing the realities of aging head-on.

Free Lunch and ‘Free’ Care Likely Too Good to be True!

October 23, 2024 / David Russell

I take care of my 88 year old mother. Last month I attended a free lunch seminar offered by a company I'd never heard of, about Medicaid planning. It sounded like they could make arrangements so that all of mom's assets would be protected for me and my brother, and that Medicaid would pay for all of her nursing home expenses should we decide to move her to one. It sounded too good to be true. The company is not a law firm but they said they had lawyers working for them. They charge $5,000 to file all the paperwork for Mom to get qualified. Is this a fair price to pay and should I even get Mom on Medicaid?

Meredith B.

There’s an old saying that if you take your problem to a carpenter whose only tool is a hammer, don’t be surprised if the solution requires a nail. As the caregiver for your 88-year-old mother, it’s completely understandable that you’re seeking the best options to protect her assets while also considering her healthcare needs. Unfortunately, some believe there is only one solution to the problem of paying for care. The situation becomes more complex, especially with the maze of options surrounding Medicaid and long-term care.

From Financial Advisor to Financial Caregiver

October 15, 2024 / David Russell

As a financial advisor, I have the privilege of working with many older clients—married, divorced, and widowed—who have achieved success in their financial lives. A recurring theme in our discussions is their concern about aging and the impact they may have on their children. Together, we plan for the future, conduct family meetings, and ensure everything is in place for when the inevitable occurs—whether it be death or incapacity. However, my understanding of financial caregiving would soon be put to the test when I became the financial caregiver to my own parents. This dual role has revealed a fascinating yet challenging landscape, highlighting the profound emotional dynamics that emerge when personal relationships intertwine with professional responsibilities.

Reader asks, “What’s the difference between ‘assisted living’ and ‘nursing home care?

October 1, 2024 / David Russell

My father is 89 and seems to be forgetting things like taking his medications and practicing good hygiene. Last week, while visiting him at his home, it was clear he hadn't bathed for several days and he looked unkempt. I've been looking into nursing homes in the area where I live, but a friend suggested I look into an assisted living facility instead. What are the differences and is one generally more expensive than another?

Stan B.

It’s understandable to feel apprehensive when you notice changes in a loved one’s well-being, especially in their later years. Aging brings a myriad of challenges, and your attentiveness to these issues is commendable.

Your father’s situation—forgetting about medications and neglecting personal hygiene—is not uncommon among seniors. It can be difficult for them to maintain independence while also ensuring their needs are met adequately. Given these circumstances, exploring options like nursing homes and assisted living facilities is a wise move.

Dad has Alzheimer’s. Mom asked me to take over the finances. Where do I start?

September 17, 2024 / David Russell

I just found out my dad has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. My mom called me and through tears asked if I would take over their financial affairs while she tends to Dad's care. I have no idea where to start, what they have, or where to find anything. I think they are fairly well off. They live comfortably and own a vacation property in Idaho that we all use occasionally. I have an older brother, so I'm not sure if I have the authority to do anything. She did say they have Wills in a safe deposit box, but I don't know how to access it. What should I do now?

Shelly T.

Receiving news about a loved one’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis is undoubtedly a heavy burden. It’s challenging to process the emotional ramifications, and on top of that, your mother is reaching out for help regarding their financial affairs. It’s natural to feel overwhelmed and unsure of where to start, but you’re not alone in this.

While this will be a profoundly personal journey, here are a few tips to begin the process of taking over financial decisions.

Mom leaves more to one child than another: what could go wrong?

September 10, 2024 / David Russell

Three years ago, my mother moved in with me and I became her full time caregiver. Last year she changed her will to leave more to me than my sister who hasn't done anything for her care. In fact, she hasn't spoken to mom since she moved in with me. I don't get paid for providing care, but I do use her social security check to help pay for household bills and groceries. Aside from that, mom has a sizeable stock account that she inherited from our dad. I'm worried my sister may cause trouble when mom dies and learns she doesn't get as much as I do. Should I ask her to change her will to be more equal?

Esther B.

I can sense the unease in your voice. As caregiver for your mother, it makes sense that she might favor you in her will, especially if your sister isn’t interested in a relationship with your mom. While your question is more about what happens after your mother dies, my hope is that there will be opportunities to communicate with your sister before that happens, resolve the rift between her and your mother, and avoid the potential conflicts that may arise. Ultimately the decision to accept the provisions of your mother’s will is hers.

That said, let’s discuss some practical issues to address your concerns, minimize legal complications, and discourage potential disputes with your sister when it comes to your mother’s will.

Understanding the Legal Framework

First, it’s important to ensure that the change your mother made to her will is legally sound. The will must have been updated at a time when your mother was fully competent and free from undue influence. Consulting an estate attorney can ensure all legal protocols were followed, thus making it less vulnerable to future challenges.
Was the change made with the assistance of an attorney? Although it’s not a requirement, using an attorney to execute legal documents like wills can avoid the mistakes people make when doing it themselves. Often, people will write a will in their own handwriting (called a holographic will). While these may be valid, these types of wills are easily disputed and may not have followed the procedures for valid will executions in the state where the person resides.
Assuming your mother did use a lawyer, and at the time did possess the capacity to execute a new will, who was present in the room with your mother’s lawyer when she changed her will? Just your mother? You with your mother? Only you? Ideally, it was only your mother. If you were present, did the lawyer directly address your mother or direct questions to you? The less your involvement in the meeting, the less likely you could be open to accusations of undue influence.

Guarding Against Will Contests

If your sister decides to contest the will, she could potentially claim undue influence or argue that your mother lacked the mental capacity to make such a change. To prepare for such scenarios, work with her attorney to maintain thorough records of the discussions and motivations behind the will’s adjustments. This documentation reinforces that the decision was made independently and with full awareness.
Did your mother include a no-contest clause to her will? Known as an in terrorem clause, this can discourage your sister from contesting the will, as she risks forfeiting her inheritance if she loses the challenge. While this is not enforceable in every jurisdiction, where applicable, it serves as a strong preventive measure.
A letter of intent can also be included, detailing your mother’s reasoning behind her decisions. This document, although not legally binding, provides context that could be useful in defending the will against disputes. Sometimes, these are prepared by the person creating the will, but the attorney may also provide this service.
Keeping detailed records of your caregiving responsibilities and related expenses is crucial. Not only does it validate the more substantial inheritance in compensation for your caregiving role, but it also provides a clear, factual basis for the distribution decision should your sister challenge it.

Proactive Communication and Mediation

Facilitating open communication with your mother and sister could be beneficial. If your mother is comfortable, hosting a family discussion where she shares her reasons for the will’s changes may help your sister understand the context and reduce tension. Transparency often alleviates suspicions and pre-empts conflicts.

If direct communication seems difficult, consider bringing in a professional mediator. A neutral third party can help facilitate productive discussions and address any underlying concerns or grievances. This proactive step can prevent more heated disputes down the line.

Engaging a Professional Team

Engaging the right team is critical. Not only can a team of professionals provide advice and counsel, but their presence and involvement demonstrate that you are not acting alone in managing your mom’s affairs. If her lawyer does not specialize in estate planning or elder law, you can look for one near you by visiting the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys. Other team members might include a geriatric care manager, financial planner, or family counselor.

By addressing these issues now—through open communication, legal safeguards, thorough documentation, and professional advice—you can reduce the likelihood of disputes and honor your mother’s wishes effectively. While it’s a challenging situation, approaching it with preparation and empathy can help maintain family harmony and respect for everyone involved.

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Can Mom’s New Boyfriend Replace Me as Power of Attorney?

September 4, 2024 / David Russell

I hold power of attorney for my mother. She's 89 years old and for the last two years, she has had a close companionship with "Stanley," a widower in the retirement community she lives in. Lately when we've discussed her future care needs, Stanley has been present and has bristled at the idea of Mom moving into assisted living or skilled care, even suggesting she move in with him. I'm concened that Stanley could talk her into removing me as power of attorney and naming himself. If so, what can I do to protect her?

Sarah T

First, your mother’s happiness is undoubtedly important, but so too is ensuring that her interests are protected as she navigates this vulnerable time in her life.

So, take a deep breath. This is a common concern that many family members face, and you’re not alone in dealing with these situations that involve both touchy and practical issues.