Tag: Aging Parents (Page 1 of 3)

I am so Mad at My Mother! Finding the Funny in Family Caregiving

June 17, 2025 / David Russell

So begins Steve Martin’s monologue in his 1977 comedy album, “Let’s Get Small.” He continues:

I don’t know…she’s 102 years old. She called me up the other day and wanted to borrow ten dollars FOR SOME FOOD! I said, ‘Hey, I work for a living!’ So I worked out a deal with her and had her carry my barbells up to the attic."

Steve Martin

My friends and I looooved Steve Martin humor, and we listened to this monologue over and over. Now, nearly fifty years later, it’s still funny—but also a not-so-subtle reminder: I’m on deck.

To not be a burden on my children must be one of the top five goals of every client over the age of 65 that I have ever met with over my 40 years of personal financial planning. For a long time, I thought this meant to not be a financial or emotional burden, but in recent years I’ve come to realize that what it really means is that they don’t want to lose independence. Who does? I certainly don’t.

Planning for advanced age and dependence is even more difficult than planning for death. At least death is final—but dependency can last for years.

When Hurt Turns to Heir Decisions

May 6, 2025 / David Russell

Should You Remove a Grandchild from Your Will After a Falling Out?

Family relationships can be complicated, especially across generations. As we grow older, we often reflect not just on what we want to pass on, but to whom—and why. Wills and estate plans become more than legal documents; they become reflections of the people and relationships that have mattered most to us. But what happens when one of those relationships is suddenly strained? What if someone who once held a dear place in your heart has deeply hurt you?

That was the question one thoughtful, heartbroken grandmother recently sent my way:

“I am very upset with my 25-year-old granddaughter and am considering taking her out of my will. For years we were very close and spent many vacations and special outings together. My husband and I helped her with summer camps and attended all of her sporting events. A few weeks ago, she asked me if I would buy her a car now that she’s graduated from college. She explained that she had a lot of school debt and that since I was ‘loaded,’ it should not be a problem for me. I’m widowed now and 79 years old, and I am by no means ‘loaded.’ I worry about what happens when I can’t live on my own. I have friends who’ve gone to nursing homes, so I know how expensive that is. I told her ‘no,’ and she became very upset and said some hurtful things. I thought it would blow over, but she’s not spoken to me since, and when I try to call her, she ignores my calls. I have other grandchildren who don’t treat me this way, so should I remove her to try and teach her a lesson?”

Sandra C.

My Response

She was obviously in pain and it was easy to see why she felt the way she did. It’s not easy to be hurt by someone you love, especially when you’ve poured time, care, and financial support into the relationship. In this case, the granddaughter’s request wasn’t just about a car. It touched on something deeper: assumptions about wealth, entitlement, and perhaps a lack of awareness about the vulnerability that often accompanies aging.

It’s easy in moments like this to reach for the most immediate form of accountability—changing the will, closing the door, ending the relationship on paper, if not in life.

But I offered her a different idea.

I told her to write her granddaughter a letter. In it, she could explain how deeply hurt she was by her granddaughter’s words. That she felt dismissed, misunderstood, even used. But also, that she still loved her and missed their closeness.

And then—I told her not to send it.

Instead, I asked her to seal the letter in an envelope, write “Open in six months” on the front, and tuck it away in a drawer.

Why? Because decisions about inheritance carry emotional weight and long-term consequences. Estate documents are meant to outlast the emotional storms of the moment. They should reflect your values and intentions, not just your pain.

That doesn’t mean you should ignore patterns of entitlement or disrespect. But not every lapse in judgment from a young adult means the relationship is beyond repair. Sometimes a little time and distance can bring clarity—or even reconciliation.

It’s also worth remembering that your will is a private document until it isn’t. Quietly updating or adjusting your estate plan, if needed, is an option. But so is waiting, watching, and seeing whether the rift begins to mend.

So, if you’re in a similar situation—feeling conflicted about whether to disinherit someone you love—pause. Ask yourself:

Is this an isolated incident or part of a larger pattern?
Have I given them a chance to understand how they’ve hurt me?
What would I hope they learn from this—and is cutting them out the best way to teach that?
How will I feel if this relationship heals and I’ve already shut the door?

There are no perfect answers. But I do believe this: when you choose how to shape your legacy, let it be from a place of clarity—not just anger. Let it tell the truth not only about your resources, but about your resilience, your values, and your hopes for your family.

Sometimes that truth calls for boundaries. Other times, it calls for grace—and a letter in a drawer, waiting for its moment.

When political values collide with Mom’s Need for Care: One Reader’s Crisis of Conscience.

March 10, 2025 / David Russell

"I find myself in a very conflicted position. I am 62 years old. I am a politically conservative person who has long believed that entitlement programs were a big part of this country's problems, and that Medicaid especially is responsible for creating a dependency on the government. Here's my situation: My 91 year old mother has depleted the savings that she and my dad worked to build, paying for care over the past five years. In five years, we have paid almost $400,000 between full-time sitters or nursing home care. Now she's out of money and the nursing home staff is telling me to apply for Medicaid for her. I could bring her home, but that would mean either me or my wife would have to quit our jobs or cut back on hours, and neither option is a good one. I can't afford to pay for her care out of my own pocket without severely impacting my own retirement, yet that's always been my belief - that families should take care of their own and not depend on the government. I'm in a real quandary as this goes directly against my beliefs, but I don't know what to do. I am an only child so there is no other family who can help."

Bill T.

First, you have my deepest respect for honestly confronting this clash of values that you have described. My personal opinion is that there may not be such a collision of values as you think. You seem to have taken personal responsibility for the care of your aging mother for the past five years, ensuring that the savings that your parents worked hard to accumulate have been used for her care in the best way possible. The fact that you feel conflicted about filing for Medicaid sounds less like a political view than a desire to continue that responsibility. You are certainly not alone as more aging parents from all political persuasions will likely need Medicaid’s assistance, and I want to gently challenge your belief that such programs only perpetuate government dependency.

Medicaid's Founding and Purpose

Medicaid was established in 1965 as part of the Social Security Act, with the purpose of providing health coverage to low-income individuals and families. Initially targeted at families receiving cash assistance, the program has since expanded to cover a broader population, including pregnant women, children, elderly adults, and individuals with disabilities. As of 2023, Medicaid covers over 83 million Americans, making it the largest source of health coverage in the United States. Medicaid is jointly funded by the federal and state governments, with total spending exceeding $600 billion annually. The program plays a crucial role in ensuring access to healthcare for millions of Americans who might otherwise be unable to afford it.

Criticisms of Medicaid

However, the cost and expansion of Medicaid have raised concerns among political conservatives. They argue that the rising expenditures place a significant burden on federal and state budgets, potentially diverting funds from other essential services. Additionally, some conservatives believe that the expansion of Medicaid encourages dependency on government assistance rather than promoting self-sufficiency.

Furthermore, well-documented cases of Medicaid fraud and abuse have contributed to a negative perception of Medicaid among many, but especially among more conservative Americans.

Reconsider Your Conflict

When people with conservative beliefs about personal responsibility face the need for help, such as caring for an aging parent without savings, they may encounter a conflict. Their value of financial independence clashes with the necessity to use government programs like Medicaid, which they previously saw as fostering dependency.

But is this really a moral and ideological dilemma that forces you to reconsider your beliefs in the light of your responsibilities and the stark financial realities you are confronting? The prevailing theme expressed by your beliefs seems to be taking responsibility, and you could consider that getting Medicaid support for your mother during what is likely the last remaining years of her life IS taking responsibility.

Applying for Medicaid does not negate the commitment to caring for your aging mother. Instead, it acknowledges the practical realities of the high costs associated with long-term care. By securing financial assistance, you are ensuring that your mother receives the best possible care, which is a responsible and loving act. Rather than creating dependency and irresponsibility in you, here are three things getting Medicaid for your mother would allow you to do.

Maintain Active Involvement: Even with Medicaid support, you can remain actively involved in your mother’s care. Regular visits, advocating for her needs, and staying informed about her health and well-being demonstrate your ongoing commitment and responsibility.
Focus on Quality of Life: By alleviating the financial burden through Medicaid, you can focus more on enhancing your mother’s quality of life. This might include spending more meaningful time with her, engaging in activities she enjoys, and ensuring she feels loved and supported.
Preserve Financial Stability: Seeking Medicaid assistance can help preserve your financial stability, allowing you to continue fulfilling other responsibilities and maintaining your independence. This approach ensures that you can care for your mother without compromising your own well-being and future.

So let yourself off the hook. You haven’t compromised your values, but perhaps you can see others in a more compassionate way. How many other Medicaid recipients value personal responsibility, but circumstances gave them few options but to accept the safety net that Medicaid offers? It’s ok to support Medicaid reform in order to make it more fiscally sound and free from fraud and abuse while also acknowledging its value to those who need it most.

When Our Care Plans Went Off-The-Rails

February 21, 2025 / David Russell

When my parents approached or passed 80 years, they lived more than 500 miles from my siblings and me. As they and their friends aged, the writing became clearly written on the wall of their minds. They needed to be closer to family. As they considered their options, the one that seemed to make the most sense was a highly rated CCRC facility only 15 minutes from us that would allow them to live independently in a detached home, with access to Assisted Living, Memory Care, and Skilled Nursing all within the same campus.

The Move Into a CCRC Facility

They paid a significant entry fee of approximately $290,000 in 2009 as well as a monthly fee of around $3,000 that guaranteed them continual care for the remainder of their lives. In addition, future costs were predictable. The fixed monthly fee would only increase slightly each year, but that was much less than the monthly rate they would pay if either of them entered any of the care units only when they needed it. Prepaying while they were independent also gave them priority status over those who lived outside the CCRC campus on room availability.

About four years later, dad’s dementia got worse, and he moved to the memory care unit just down the street from their house. Not long after that, he was moved to the skilled nursing facility where he died within a year. Mom continued to live in independent housing for the next 10 years and maintained an active social life.

The Impact of COVID on Facility Staffing

In 2020-2021 during the Covid-19 pandemic, nursing homes around the country were limiting or curtailing visitation of family members. At the same time, nursing homes and other care facilities around the country were experiencing severe shortages of workers, either lost by attrition during the pandemic, or those who were working dropped out of the workforce and either did not return or found work elsewhere. Little did we know how this would impact mom‘s care later.

Mom's Move to Skilled Nursing Care

In late 2023, at age 94, mom suffered a bad fall resulting in stroke–like cognitive impairment that required her to move into the skilled nursing facility of the CCRC. She was also a fall risk, so leaving her unattended for even the shortest period risks her getting out of the bed or her chair (which she has done on more than one occasion), thus far avoiding a severe injury. We were informed by the staff that they did not have enough workers to monitor mom close enough to prevent a fall, so we were encouraged to hire private, 24/7 sitters for mom, because even at night when she is sleeping, she will try getting out of bed on her own.

Our Financial Plans Went Off the Rails

Financially, we are blessed. Mom and Dad had enough resources to enter a facility that is not feasible for many. However, the long term plan did not consider that in addition to the CCRC’s cost, we would also need to add private sitter costs on top of the CCRC cost. We believed – rightly or wrongly – that the CCRC would be all they would ever need from the time of their move until they both died. Now, fifteen years after their initial move to the CCRC, they have paid over $1 million to the CCRC and are currently paying nearly $20,000 per month because of the additional care we are having to hire privately.

As the financial planner for my parents when all of this began, I am lamenting my unpreparedness for this contingency – not because it means less of an inheritance for my siblings and I (we’ve all been given more than we deserve) but because financial planning is largely about adding certainly to uncertain outcomes, and I believed that the CCRC option provided more certainty. We may have still chosen the CCRC for many other reasons, but it was a mistake to think that costs would be predictable. After forty years practicing financial planning, if there is one lesson on repeat in my own life, it is that nothing is certain, and financial plans are best made using a pencil with a very fat eraser.

Moral of the Story

The moral to this story is that long term care is expensive. It is unpredictable, uncertain, and will look different than what you plan for. If receiving care is in your future – meaning you don’t die on the way towards some level of dependency – over-insure for it, over-estimate the cost of it, plan for receiving it longer than you think, and if you do have the resources to self-insure for it, discuss your plans with your heirs or adult children before you need care. Otherwise, that bumper sticker you used to see on the back of an RV traveling down the highway, might best be saved for the door of your room at the care facility.

Comparing and Contrasting Advanced Aging and Wealth Disparities

February 18, 2025 / David Russell

Early in my career, my sales manager asked his group of trainees of which I was one, “what is the difference between and elderly gentleman and an old man.” His response... “Money.”

Aging is an inescapable aspect of the human experience, and yet, the pathways through advanced age can be profoundly affected by various socio-economic factors, particularly wealth disparities. While financial resources impact access to care and quality of life for older adults, wealth alone does not guarantee a positive aging experience. Instead, the availability of resources often hinges on the willingness and commitment of caregivers, healthcare professionals, and community systems to provide adequate support.

Physical Health

As we enter advanced age, we inevitably face a range of physical challenges, including chronic illnesses, mobility issues, and sensory declines. While the wealthier among us may typically enjoy better overall health outcomes due to greater access to quality healthcare, nutrition, and supportive living environments, having financial means does not inherently ensure effective care.

Access to healthcare requires not only financial resources but also a network of committed healthcare providers, family members, and community support systems. Wealthy individuals might struggle if their caregivers are untrained, unavailable, or unwilling to facilitate their healthcare needs. Even with the best financial means, older adults can encounter barriers if there are no supportive systems in place to bridge the gap between available resources and personal needs. Michael Jackson had immense wealth and popularity, but towards the end of his life, he faced significant financial and personal challenges. Despite his financial resources, he had ongoing battles with management and family members over how his wealth was managed and was often surrounded by individuals who may not have had his best interests at heart.

Additionally, affluent seniors may have access to physical therapy, personal trainers, or wellness programs, but their benefits depend largely on the commitment and expertise of those administering the services. If caregivers lack the necessary skills or motivation to engage individuals in maintaining their physical health, the impact of wealth can be diminished. Therefore, it becomes crucial to recognize that financial ability without the support of capable caregivers may not translate to better health outcomes in aging.

Psychological Well-being

The psychological dimensions of aging are equally complex, with the implications of financial status playing a pivotal role in mental health. Feelings of loneliness and depression are profound concerns for seniors, particularly those facing the isolation that can accompany advancing age. Wealth can potentially provide mechanisms to combat loneliness—such as access to social clubs, travel, or companionship services—but again, financial means do not guarantee emotional well-being. Howard Hughes, the world’s first billionaire, suffered from years of self-neglect and declining mental health.

Wealthy individuals often benefit from networks that can provide such engagement, but they remain dependent on the reliability and affection of those around them. A lack of authentic connection can lead to feelings of emptiness, regardless of financial security. Conversely, seniors with limited financial means may find solace and community among family and friends, fostering psychological resilience even in the face of economic constraints.

Moreover, the attitudes and values of society toward aging can affect how both wealthy and impoverished individuals perceive their aging experience. In cultures that devalue the elderly or view aging as a burden, both wealth and poverty can lead to feelings of despair. What is required, therefore, is not just a financial remedy but a cultural shift that underscores the importance of maintaining psychological health through connection and mutual respect.

Cultural Perceptions

Cultural contexts wield considerable influence over the experiences of aging and perceptions of dignity. In societies that honor elders, aging is often regarded as a time of wisdom and respect, with cultural rituals and familial support playing crucial roles regardless of economic status. Here, dignity can be preserved through community engagement and intergenerational connections, promoting a rich sense of belonging.

However, wealth-driven cultures may regard aging more negatively, often associating it with decline and reduced productivity. This perspective can be particularly damaging for those who are financially disadvantaged. Yet, wealthier individuals are not entirely insulated from ageism—experiences of bias can still permeate their lives if society does not respect and value older adults. Actor Micky Rooney’s family gained control over his assets and personal freedom, even as the actor was objecting to the very authorities that were in place to protect him. Only after hiring and taking legal action, did he prevail with regaining his autonomy.

The key to maintaining dignity across cultural spectrums lies in fostering environments that are inclusive and supportive. This can be achieved through community programs that promote understanding and appreciation of aging and encourage engagement between generations. Such initiatives can help bridge the gap between economic divides, reinforcing the idea that respect for elders should not be predicated on financial status.

Dignity and Integrity Across Wealth Status

Ultimately, dignity and integrity are universal entitlements that transcend financial circumstances. Regardless of wealth, all individuals deserve recognition and respect for their life journeys. The challenge lies in creating a society that honors this belief and ensures equitable access to resources and support. All of the world’s wisdom traditions include honoring elders as one of its core tenants, but we have a history of unobservance. Jesus rebuked the Pharisees for their legalistic adherence to tithing, while they pardoned parental neglect (Matthew 15:1-9).

One promising trend is the development of intergenerational relationships that enable older adults to share their wisdom and experiences while offering younger generations insights into the realities of aging. In doing so, society nurtures an environment where all elders feel valued and empowered.

In this world view, it matters not whether someone accesses care and services through charity, Medicaid, or from personal wealth, each is treated the same.

The relationship between advanced aging and wealth disparities presents both opportunities and challenges. While financial resources can significantly influence physical health, psychological well-being, and cultural perceptions, they do not exist in isolation. The availability of these resources ultimately hinges on the commitment and compassion of caregivers, family members, and community networks. By recognizing and embracing the inherent dignity of every individual, regardless of their financial situation, society can cultivate an environment where all older adults are respected, valued, and supported in their journey through aging. In this way, the focus shifts from the limitations imposed by wealth disparities to the shared human experience of aging, highlighting the importance of connection, mutual respect, and integrity.

When Mom or Dad Want to Marry…at 80!

February 14, 2025 / David Russell

It’s Valentine’s week and romance is in the air. One of the joys I get from lunching with Mom at her retirement community is to hear the latest gossip about the budding romances among the residents, most of whom are well into their 80’s and 90’s. There have been more than a few marriages that result from these new relationships, most occurring after a fairly brief courtship. As one fellow remarked to me one day, “son, at our age, it’s dangerous to buy greenn bananas.”

If you are the adult child of an aging parent who also happens to be single, you may one day be introduced to a “special friend” in their life. Normally, your reaction may be something like, “how cute” or “way to go Dad” but if the relationship quickly becomes more serious or if you’re suddenly asked to give your blessing to their marriage, this can be a very troubling event. In preparation for writing this article, I googled “aging parent wants to get remarried” and most of the search results were forum posts from adult children seeking advice on how to deal with Mom or Dad’s new romance that has gone from sweet to sour because now they want to get married!

All sorts of questions run through your mind and you may find yourself experiencing anger, fear, or resentment at the prospect of this person interrupting Mom or Dad’s perfectly lonely existence. Somewhere in-between the extremes of “I forbid it” (like that’s gonna work) and “It’s your life, do what you want” can be found a position of legitimate care for their happiness and concern that they not be hurt by the experience. Recently a judge intervened in the marriage of a couple in their mid-nineties due to concerns expressed by the bride’s daughter questioning the marriage’s legitimacy.

In his article titled “How to Deal With an Elderly Parent’s Remarriage – Resolving Issues” author and financial advisor Michael Lewis, gives some wise advice when talking to your aging parent about their choice to remarry late in life.

Be Respectful. You are speaking with the one remaining person who brought you into this world and who will always love you.
Try to Put Yourself In Your Parent’s Position. They are trying to make the best of a very difficult situation. They seek your blessing and understanding, so listen carefully and thoughtfully before making your own point or expressing your doubts.
Avoid Accusations, Recriminations, and Ultimatums. Your parent has already experienced and worked through the guilt often associated with remarriage after the death of the spouse.
Curb Your Instincts to Attack or Belittle Your Parent’s Choice of Mate. It is never a good idea to potentially offend your mother or father in such a petty manner.

On the other hand, there may be legitimate concerns about Mom or Dad’s new relationship. Studies show that as we age our brain’s ability to make sound judgments becomes impaired. This is not necessarily dementia, just biology. Most state laws include an elderly person in a group called “vulnerable adults” because of this biological fact.

Three factors contribute to the vulnerability of an older person: diminished capacity, lack of informed consent, and undue influence. Each of these could be at work in an older person’s romantic relationship and any one of them would give question to the legitimacy of a marriage. For example, if Mom has diminished capacity – a condition that may have to be proven by a qualified physician – she might not have the legal capacity to enter into a marriage contract. Or suppose she has capacity but was not given enough information to give informed consent when she signed over control of her assets to her new spouse in a durable power of attorney. Or maybe she did know exactly what she was doing but signed the power of attorney to her new spouse anyway because he told her if she did not sign it, he would not take care of her in her old age, which would be subjecting her to undue influence.

The best way to prevent either of these vulnerabilities from hurting either party is to have an honest conversation with your parent about your concerns. If you sense this new “special” person has interests other than companionship, then intervention might be required, but hopefully this can be avoided by remaining respectful of each of them and involving neutral parties. While keeping in mind the points that Michael Lewis makes above, I suggest a meeting with other family members and a neutral mediator.

Ask Mom or Dad if they are open to discussing their marriage with a family counselor, clergy member, or attorney. It could be that a more neutral party will come across as less threatening than you and they may be more willing to listen to that person than to you. Speak openly about your concerns over property and other assets. Even if you have blessed the marriage and no sign of the three areas of vulnerability are evident, they will likely be unaware or unconcerned about property and financial division. Have them meet with an estate attorney or other qualified advisor who can help them understand the complexities of blending two financial households. Once they realize the burden this might place on their surviving children, they will more likely be willing to take the appropriate steps.

It seems that many adult children assume the proper role of a parent who becomes widowed late in life is to just remain that way for the rest of their life. In doing so, we diminish their dignity by denying them the companionship and affection that they enjoyed for 50 or 60 years as if that need vanishes when their spouse predeceases them. Instead, we could adopt the same position as we might with our own adult children: blessing a relationship that makes them happy while protecting them if we can from those that might hurt them. It’s a delicate balancing act on either end of the age spectrum.

Son of aging patriarch wants to maintain his dad’s honor.

January 28, 2025 / David Russell

I come from a family of significant wealth. My father is now 81 years old, and while he seems mentally sharp, some of his decision-making has been uncharacteristic. He recently made a large donation to a charity he had never given to before. He is a proud man, and reluctant to give up control, even though there are things in place when the time comes. How do we broach the subject with him and what can we do if he refuses to accept the facts? We want him to keep his dignity and position.

Manuel V.

Navigating Conversations About Wealth and Aging with Grace

In families where financial success has been a hallmark, discussions surrounding wealth, control, and legacy can be tough—especially as parents age. Your father’s recent charitable contributions may raise concerns, but it’s essential to approach this sensitive subject with empathy and respect. Here’s how you can navigate these delicate conversations while preserving his dignity and allowing him to feel valued as the patriarch of the family.

Understanding the Situation

First, it’s important to recognize that many factors can influence decision-making as we age. Aging by itself does not necessarily lead to poor decision-making or dementia. Just look at Warren Buffet and Charlie Munger! While your father may still be mentally sharp, the complexities of life—both personal and financial—can lead to decisions that seem uncharacteristic. However, before you leap to conclusions, seeking to understand his motivations could serve as a foundation for a productive conversation. Perhaps his charitable donation stems from a newfound passion, a desire to leave an impactful legacy, or even a change in perspectives about wealth and its purpose.

Offer a Safe Space for Dialogue

Instead of confronting your father with concerns about his decision-making, create a comfortable atmosphere to discuss his feelings about wealth and legacy. Consider inviting him to share his thoughts during a leisurely meal or while engaging in activities he enjoys. Approach the conversation with an open heart, focused on the emotions behind his actions rather than the actions themselves. This doesn’t merely preserve his dignity; it also fosters connection, allowing him to voice his values and aspirations openly.

Engaging with Empathy

When you do address the topic, use “I” statements to express your feelings. For instance, “I feel concerned when I see you making decisions that seem different from what I know about you,” can invite a thoughtful dialogue, as opposed to “You need to stop making these kinds of decisions.” By framing your concerns in a personal way, you reduce the chances of triggering defensiveness and encourage an exchange of ideas.

Find Common Ground

Discussing your values around wealth can create a shared understanding. Explore the family’s legacy and your father’s vision for it versus your own aspirations. Ask questions like, “How do you envision our family’s impact in the community?” or “What causes have you always wanted to support?” This can lead to meaningful conversation about future donations, charitable engagements, or family philanthropy.

Easing Control Through Involvement

If your father shows reluctance to discuss his wealth management or the options you’ve prepped for the future, consider inviting him to participate in the planning process rather than sidelining him. Ask him for guidance or his ideas on legacy planning, investment strategies, or philanthropy initiatives. Validating his input can ease any feelings of loss over control and provide comfort in knowing that his opinions still hold weight.

Acknowledge His Fears

Social aging can evoke fears of loss—of autonomy, control, and identity. While you might fully understand the necessity of planning, your father may experience anxiety when contemplating his mortality or the redistribution of his wealth. Reassure him that your concerns stem from love and respect, and that preserving his legacy is the ultimate goal.

Acceptance and Action

If discussions reveal that your father is resistant to acknowledging potential declines in his decision-making capabilities, you might need to accept this reality gracefully. Allow him the space to control his narrative. However, it is vital to prepare for potential scenarios down the road. If discussions don’t lead to substantial change, subtle discussions about bringing in neutral third parties—such as financial advisors or family mediators—can create new avenues for guidance without negating his voice.

Preserving the Seat of Honor

Above all, it is crucial to maintain that seat of honor for your father. Celebrating his achievements, contributions, and wisdom will reinforce his sense of identity while you navigate these conversations. Family rituals, storytelling sessions about past adventures, and affirmations of his importance set a highly respectful groundwork for future discussions.

A Gentle Path Forward

Addressing the nuances of wealth and aging doesn’t have to compromise familial respect or affection. Approach conversations with understanding and empathy, and focus on preserving your father’s dignity throughout the process. The goal is to nurture a dialogue rooted in love while making sure he knows that his voice matters—now and in the future. As you engage in these talks, remember: it’s about collaboration, co-creating a vision for the future, and ensuring he feels cherished and in control every step of the way.

Mature woman (60s) helping elderly mother (90s) with paperwork.

Top Five New Year Resolutions for Financial Caregivers

January 14, 2025 / David Russell

As we enter a new year, many of us reflect on our goals and resolutions. For those who are stepping into the role of financial caregiver for an aging parent, the resolutions may take on a more personal and immediate significance. The transition into caregiving can be daunting, but with intentional planning and prioritization, you can provide meaningful support to your parent while also safeguarding your own well-being. Here are the top five priorities for financial caregivers to consider when making their New Year’s resolutions.

Daughter-in-law uses the “D Word” with Mom.

December 3, 2024 / David Russell

I am 81 years old and I live with my son and daughter-in-law. My husband died two years ago and my son insisted I move in with he and his wife. The problem is, my daughter-in-law thinks I have dementia, and uses hurtful comments like, 'well, that's just your dementia talking' or 'you must have Alzheimer's because you're so forgetful.' I hate being a burden on them, but I am most upset that my husband and I did not have a plan for this time in our life. I'd rather be living in my own home, but I don't see a way out. I feel trapped.

Margaret T.

I want you to know that your feelings of frustration and being trapped are valid, and it takes immense courage to share your thoughts. The transition into a new living arrangement at this stage in life, especially after the loss of your husband, can be incredibly challenging. You deserve to feel respected, valued, and autonomous even if you aren’t in your own home.

It’s important to recognize that both you and your daughter-in-law may be feeling overwhelmed. Caregiving can be exhausting, and sometimes stress can lead to comments that hurt more than help. Acknowledging that both sides may be struggling can create a foundation for better communication.

Open Communication is Key

I encourage you to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your son and daughter-in-law. Consider proposing a family meeting where everyone can express their feelings in a safe space. It may be beneficial to prepare what you want to say beforehand, so you feel more confident in expressing your thoughts clearly.

Express how hurtful comments about your cognitive state make you feel. You have the right to set boundaries around how you wish to be spoken to, and doing so can help foster a more respectful and supportive atmosphere at home.

Exploring Options for Independence

If living independently is something you desire, this could be a good time to explore options:

Discuss Alternative Living Arrangements: You could gently approach the idea of looking into independent living or assisted living facilities that might provide the support you need while allowing you to have your own space.
Maintain Your Social Life: It’s critical that you are able to maintain your social life. If there are friends that you connected with before, take measures to reconnect with them through activities, outings, or personal visits. If this isn’t possible, then using technology to connect with these friends in a personal way should be explored. This will help with feelings of isolation.
Consider Home Care Services: If it feels right, suggest the possibility of hiring a part-time caregiver. This could alleviate some of the burden on your son and daughter-in-law while allowing you to maintain privacy and independence.
Leverage Technology: If forgetfulness is concerning, devices that offer reminders for daily tasks can help manage that worry and allow you to maintain autonomy.

Dealing with Regrets

It’s clear that you are grappling with significant emotions, including regret about not having made plans for this phase of life with your husband. It’s common for many couples to focus on the present rather than anticipating future changes, which can sometimes lead to feelings of uncertainty and helplessness. Recognizing this regret is painful, but it can also offer a valuable lesson to others who may find themselves in similar situations.

The truth is that life can be unpredictable; having a plan, even a loose one, can provide a sense of security and options when challenges arise. As difficult as it is to navigate these circumstances now, your experience serves as an important reminder for others: it’s never too late to start planning for the future, regardless of age. Engaging in discussions about potential care needs, living arrangements, and preferences, even when everything seems fine, can pave the way for smoother transitions later.

Prioritizing Your Wellbeing

As you navigate these challenges, don’t forget to prioritize your mental health. Setting aside time for hobbies, reading, or simply relaxing can help you rediscover joy in daily life. If you feel comfortable, talking to a counselor or joining a support group for seniors can also provide a valuable outlet.

Consider keeping a gratitude journal to focus on the positives in your life, which can be empowering and uplifting as you work through this transition.

Moving Forward

Remember that though it may feel difficult, there are paths to reclaim your agency and independence. Your feelings matter, and advocating for your own needs is both important and appropriate. Life transitions can indeed be daunting, but with open communication and proactive steps, you can guide your situation toward greater respect and fulfillment.

I hope these suggestions resonate with you, and I wish you all the best as you move forward. You are not alone in this journey, and there is hope for a fulfilling future.

Politics isn’t the only subject to avoid at Thanksgiving!

November 25, 2024 / David Russell

My siblings and I will be gathering at our parents' home for Thanksgiving this year. It's the first time we've all been together in over five years. Our parents are in their early 80's and while they are independent now, my siblings and I have wondered whether they have a plan for advanced age or long term care. Since we are not all together often, would this be a good time to ask our parents what their plans are? My sister says yes, but my brother says it will only ruin Thanksgiving.

Belinda J.

Thanksgiving is meant to be a time of joy, gratitude, and family togetherness. But when important questions, such as aging and long-term care, linger in the background, it can pose a significant dilemma or create unwanted drama at the dinner table if broached without caution.

While the intent is certainly rooted in love and concern, many professionals suggest that Thanksgiving may not be the ideal time for such sensitive discussions. To best address your question, let’s look at several reasons why it may be better to postpone this important conversation and offer guidance on how to plan for a more appropriate time to delve into these discussions later.

Reasons Why Thanksgiving May Not Be the Ideal Time

Emotional Atmosphere: Thanksgiving can be an emotionally charged time for many families. The holiday brings together various sentiments—nostalgia, joy, and sometimes even stress—that may not create a conducive environment for serious discussions about aging. Introducing a heavy topic could unintentionally dampen the festive spirit.
Distractions and Busyness: During Thanksgiving, families often find themselves caught up in preparations, cooking, and entertaining. These distractions can make it hard to focus on a deep, meaningful conversation. An environment filled with noise and activity may prevent the thoughtful dialogue that these conversations require.
Fear of Conflict: Sensitive subjects about aging can sometimes lead to disagreements among family members. Introductions of differing opinions or concerns could escalate into tension, overshadowing the positive interactions that Thanksgiving aims for.
Lack of Preparation: Both parents and adult children might not be mentally or emotionally prepared to engage in discussions about long-term care during a holiday focused on gratitude and celebration. It’s essential to choose a time when everyone can reflect on the topic without distraction or stress.

Planning for an Intentional Conversation

Given these factors, it might be wise to plan for a more suitable discussion about long-term care and aging when the atmosphere is more relaxed and conducive to open dialogue. Here are some steps to help facilitate this:

Identify an Appropriate Time: Choose another family gathering—perhaps a holiday meal in the coming months or a family barbecue in the summer—as a priority for these crucial discussions. Setting a specific date allows family members to mentally prepare and ensures they’re ready to engage in constructive dialogue.
Create a Comforting Environment: Once you have a date in mind, plan the environment thoughtfully. A comfortable, quiet setting can enhance communication, allowing for open discussions where everyone feels heard and respected.
Build the Foundation Early: In the lead-up to your planned discussion, consider mentioning the importance of discussing aging and long-term care in a less formal setting. A casual conversation in passing can help normalize the subject. For example, during a family call or chat, you might say something like, “I’ve been reading a lot about aging and care planning; it’s something we should consider as a family.”
Engage Gently During Thanksgiving: Use the Thanksgiving gathering to plant the seed without forcing the conversation. You could bring up related topics, such as discussions about recent medical advancements or friends’ experiences in caring for aging parents. This can pave the way for future conversations without putting anyone on the spot.
Reassure Your Parents: If you know your parents have some thoughts about their future care plans, encouraging an ongoing dialogue can make them feel involved in the decision-making process. For instance, you can express appreciation for their independence and state, “I admire how well you both are managing, and I think it would be comforting for all of us to have a plan in place moving forward.”

Fostering Ongoing Conversations

Once you’ve planted the seed and the initial discussion takes place, continue to foster the conversation. This topic doesn’t need to be resolved in one sitting. Encourage check-ins that keep it open, ensuring that everyone feels comfortable discussing changes or updates in the future.

By creating a culture of transparent communication around aging, your family can approach the subject in a way that feels natural rather than forced.

Prioritize Connection Over Timing

While Thanksgiving offers a wonderful opportunity to bond as a family, it may not be the best moment to tackle serious discussions about aging and long-term care. By postponing this conversation to a more suitable setting, families can ensure that everyone is willing and able to engage thoughtfully. Planning intentional discussions and subtly introducing the topic can pave the way for a supportive dialogue, ensuring that family members feel connected and prepared for the future care of their loved ones. By prioritizing the right time and environment, families can foster an atmosphere of love and understanding while addressing the realities of aging head-on.