My father passed away four months ago. Our mom had preceded him in death by several years, and three years ago, Dad married 'Jane' when he was 71 years old. After they married, Dad told me and my siblings that his will left everything to us. At that time, he had about $300,000 in the bank, a company retirement plan worth $800,000 and the house we were raised in. He sold the house after he and Jane married and bought a condo. Now the lawyer tells us that we're only getting what was in the bank accounts. Dad didn't change his will, so how could this have happened?
The loss of a loved one is a challenging and emotional experience, often compounded by the complexities of navigating their estate. This scenario underscores the vital role that legal title and beneficiary designations play in determining who receives property after someone’s passing. Understanding how assets are titled and the impact of federal laws such as the Employee Retirement Income Security Act (ERISA) is essential in estate planning.
Three years ago, my mother moved in with me and I became her full time caregiver. Last year she changed her will to leave more to me than my sister who hasn't done anything for her care. In fact, she hasn't spoken to mom since she moved in with me. I don't get paid for providing care, but I do use her social security check to help pay for household bills and groceries. Aside from that, mom has a sizeable stock account that she inherited from our dad. I'm worried my sister may cause trouble when mom dies and learns she doesn't get as much as I do. Should I ask her to change her will to be more equal?
I can sense the unease in your voice. As caregiver for your mother, it makes sense that she might favor you in her will, especially if your sister isn’t interested in a relationship with your mom. While your question is more about what happens after your mother dies, my hope is that there will be opportunities to communicate with your sister before that happens, resolve the rift between her and your mother, and avoid the potential conflicts that may arise. Ultimately the decision to accept the provisions of your mother’s will is hers.
That said, let’s discuss some practical issues to address your concerns, minimize legal complications, and discourage potential disputes with your sister when it comes to your mother’s will.
Understanding the Legal Framework
First, it’s important to ensure that the change your mother made to her will is legally sound. The will must have been updated at a time when your mother was fully competent and free from undue influence. Consulting an estate attorney can ensure all legal protocols were followed, thus making it less vulnerable to future challenges.
Was the change made with the assistance of an attorney? Although it’s not a requirement, using an attorney to execute legal documents like wills can avoid the mistakes people make when doing it themselves. Often, people will write a will in their own handwriting (called a holographic will). While these may be valid, these types of wills are easily disputed and may not have followed the procedures for valid will executions in the state where the person resides.
Assuming your mother did use a lawyer, and at the time did possess the capacity to execute a new will, who was present in the room with your mother’s lawyer when she changed her will? Just your mother? You with your mother? Only you? Ideally, it was only your mother. If you were present, did the lawyer directly address your mother or direct questions to you? The less your involvement in the meeting, the less likely you could be open to accusations of undue influence.
Guarding Against Will Contests
If your sister decides to contest the will, she could potentially claim undue influence or argue that your mother lacked the mental capacity to make such a change. To prepare for such scenarios, work with her attorney to maintain thorough records of the discussions and motivations behind the will’s adjustments. This documentation reinforces that the decision was made independently and with full awareness.
Did your mother include a no-contest clause to her will? Known as an in terrorem clause, this can discourage your sister from contesting the will, as she risks forfeiting her inheritance if she loses the challenge. While this is not enforceable in every jurisdiction, where applicable, it serves as a strong preventive measure.
A letter of intentcan also be included, detailing your mother’s reasoning behind her decisions. This document, although not legally binding, provides context that could be useful in defending the will against disputes. Sometimes, these are prepared by the person creating the will, but the attorney may also provide this service.
Keeping detailed records of your caregiving responsibilities and related expenses is crucial. Not only does it validate the more substantial inheritance in compensation for your caregiving role, but it also provides a clear, factual basis for the distribution decision should your sister challenge it.
Proactive Communication and Mediation
Facilitating open communication with your mother and sister could be beneficial. If your mother is comfortable, hosting a family discussion where she shares her reasons for the will’s changes may help your sister understand the context and reduce tension. Transparency often alleviates suspicions and pre-empts conflicts.
If direct communication seems difficult, consider bringing in a professional mediator. A neutral third party can help facilitate productive discussions and address any underlying concerns or grievances. This proactive step can prevent more heated disputes down the line.
Engaging a Professional Team
Engaging the right team is critical. Not only can a team of professionals provide advice and counsel, but their presence and involvement demonstrate that you are not acting alone in managing your mom’s affairs. If her lawyer does not specialize in estate planning or elder law, you can look for one near you by visiting the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys. Other team members might include a geriatric care manager, financial planner, or family counselor.
By addressing these issues now—through open communication, legal safeguards, thorough documentation, and professional advice—you can reduce the likelihood of disputes and honor your mother’s wishes effectively. While it’s a challenging situation, approaching it with preparation and empathy can help maintain family harmony and respect for everyone involved.
Texas Attorney Virginia Hammerlewrites about the dangers of leaving cash hidden around the house or elsewhere as inheritances to be discovered after the owner’s death.
Your cash may never be found. Your house and/or its contents could burn up, get sold in an estate sale or be blown apart by a tornado. The dog could eat it. It could turn into a block of moldy and unrecognizable paper.
When you are doing your estate planning, do not forget to make a plan for distributing your cash. Here’s why you should have a plan in place.
A recent article written by Joe Pinkster for the online magazine, The Atlantic, discusses the issue of inheritance, and specifically whether there exists a magic number that represents an inheritance that is too large[1]. This question has become relevant for many reasons, one being that some wealthy parents are concerned that after a certain point, money passed down will be damaging to the next generation, removing the incentive to be productive contributors to society.
This is not a new question. King Solomon in the Old Testament, clearly pondered the same question during a particularly dark time in his life:
I hated all the things I had toiled for under the sun, because I must leave them to the one who comes after me. And who knows whether that person will be wise or foolish? Yet they will have control over all the fruit of my toil into which I have poured my effort and skill under the sun. This too is meaningless. So my heart began to despair over all my toilsome labor under the sun. For a person may labor with wisdom, knowledge and skill, and then they must leave all they own to another who has not toiled for it. This too is meaningless and a great misfortune.
ECCLESIASTES 2:18-21 NIV
The question is, should this be a concern of most families given the fact that most people won’t receive vast fortunes from their parents? In fact, research by the Federal Reserve indicates that 85% of inheritances between 1995 and 2016 were less than $250,000 and most were less than $50,000.[2]
From my personal life and professional experience, I have formed this observation: sudden money will bring out a recipient’s best or worst financial behaviors to the degree that they have been prepared for it, regardless of the amount. This is not to say that mistakes with inherited money are necessarily a bad thing. Speaking for myself, the lessons that I have learned through failure are some of my more life-changing ones, and I wouldn’t trade the failures for successes without the lessons.
For those inheriting less than say, $50,000 – the impact of learning through failure isn’t as financially devastating as burning through $5 Million. Older parents who are concerned about their adult child’s ability to manage up to perhaps a $150,000 inheritance may want to consider these less elaborate (and less costly) options than leaving their assets in trusts or other complex arrangements:
Leave it to them unfettered and simply let them do their best with it and hopefully learn a valuable lesson in the process. Losing $50,000 for buying an RV rather than saving it for retirement may be a painful lesson, but one they can likely recover from.
Consider leaving the money to a grandchild’s education account such as a 529 Plan, instead of outright to the adult child-parent.
If the inheritance is paid through an insurance policy, discuss the policy’s settlement options (how the death benefits are paid to a beneficiary) with your insurance agent. One option may be the payment of a monthly amount spread out over a number of years which cannot be altered by the beneficiary.
One exception to these simpler options is if the adult child has a physical or mental disability and receives government assistance such as Medicaid. In such case, working with a Medicaid attorney to create what is known as a Special Needs Trust, may be necessary to preserve these benefits, but this has little to do with the behavioral issues that concerned Solomon or many families today.
What about the small percentage of significantly larger inheritances? Should families be concerned about how the sudden impact of substantial financial windfalls will affect those who inherit? My response is a resounding YES not only to preserve the wealth left to these beneficiaries (The Sudden Money Institute, a think tank and financial consultancy specializing in planning for life transitions such as inheritances, claims that 90% of inherited wealth disappears by the third generation), but also because inheriting sudden wealth can be difficult emotionally as well.[3]
For over two centuries, wealthy Americans have used trusts and other elaborate means to preserve family wealth or family-owned business enterprises, control heirs’ behavior from the grave, or provide financial tutelage until heirs demonstrate the ability to responsibly handle their wealth. Trustees – those who control the purse-strings for these wealthy heirs – are required by law to act in the best interest of these heirs. A good trustee will assume the roles of surrogate and mentor with the beneficiaries under his care and like a good parent, will sometimes allow the beneficiary to fail small in order to learn valuable lessons for when the beneficiary may have responsibility for a much larger fortune later on.
However, no estate plan can instill character regardless of the sophistication of the plan. A healthy work ethic, compassion, integrity, loyalty, fidelity… these are ultimately behavioral choices we all must make, no matter how wealthy we may become. Perhaps this was Solomon’s true lament.
[1] Pinsker, J. (2019). How Much Inheritance Is Too Much? [online] The Atlantic. Available at: https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/10/big-inheritances-how-much-to-leave/600703/ [Accessed 29 Oct. 2019].
