Wealth and Honor

Helping Families Navigate the Financial Challenges of Age Transitions

Tag: parents

Dad has become “a Monster”

October 31, 2024 /

I know I'm supposed to keep a good attitude with my aging father. He moved in with us about six months ago after Mom died, but he has become a monster! He is demanding and expects me to wait on him hand and foot. He belittles me and is inconsiderate to my husband. He's even become suspicious of my handling his finances, which he is unable to do on his own due to his cognitive decline. I have two other siblings who live far away and they have no idea how difficult this is. I promised Mom I wouldn't put him in a nursing home, but this has become more difficult than I imagined.

Margaret A.

Ah, the joys of caregiving—where the role of dutiful child transforms into an unexpected stint as a live-in ghostbuster. Take a moment to appreciate the ghastly twist your life has taken since your father moved in after your mother’s passing. What started as an extension of your compassion and hospitality has somehow morphed into a full-blown horror show. Six months in, he’s become a monster! It sounds like you’re living in a haunted house, filled with demands that would make even the most patient caretaker break out in a cold sweat.

As the days turn into a series of eerie encounters, navigating your father’s new demands must feel like you are a character in an Edgar Allen Poe short story. From expecting to be waited on hand and foot to belittling comments, the challenges of caregiving can resemble a horror movie gone awry. It’s natural to feel frustrated and overwhelmed when the person you’re trying to support appears possessed by something other than common courtesy.

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Negotiation Techniques for Adult Children of Aging Parents

August 11, 2023 /

In an insightful article published on KFFhealthnews.org by Judith Graham, titled “Negotiate with Resistant Aging Parents: Applying Business Strategies,” researchers at Northwestern University explore the application of negotiation and dispute resolution techniques from the business world to defuse conflicts arising from caregiving and financial decisions involving elderly parents. As we strive to provide the best care for our aging loved ones, this article sheds light on strategies to navigate complex situations while respecting their autonomy and dignity. The article delves into a training curriculum designed to help professionals and family caregivers approach caregiving as a collaborative effort and offers valuable insights for fostering productive conversations.

Reaching an impasse with aging parents in their late 80s who resist the idea of receiving home assistance can be frustrating. Negotiation and dispute resolution techniques commonly employed in the business world have shown potential for resolving such conflicts, according to a group of researchers at Northwestern University.

The team has developed a specialized training program focused on negotiation and dispute resolution. Aimed at social workers, care managers, and healthcare professionals working with resistant older adults, this curriculum encourages professionals to engage in collaborative caregiving approaches that honor the individual’s preferences, rather than imposing decisions.

Lee Lindquist, the chief of geriatrics at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine, who leads this initiative, highlighted the prevalence of conflicts among older individuals and emphasized the program’s goal to de-escalate such situations, ensuring older adults receive the necessary support while maintaining their dignity.

A significant component of this project is the development of a computer-based training program for family caregivers dealing with mild cognitive impairment or early-stage dementia in their loved ones. Dubbed “NegotiAge,” this program employs avatars of older adults to simulate negotiation scenarios. Through practice, caregivers can refine their negotiation skills and techniques.

This project, funded by the National Institutes of Health with nearly $4 million, strives to make NegotiAge widely accessible after evaluating its effectiveness.

For family caregivers seeking to navigate conflicts with aging parents, the article outlines several proactive steps:

1. Prepare: Before entering negotiations, thorough preparation is vital. Jeanne Brett, a member of the NegotiAge team, suggests addressing fundamental questions, identifying issues, involved parties, their positions, motivations, and potential consequences if an agreement is not reached. Document your goals for the upcoming conversations.

2. Identify Common Interests: Finding common ground among the parties involved is key. Emphasize shared goals and interests, such as maintaining the older adult’s independence, safety, and social connections.

3. Ask Questions: Avoid making assumptions about the reasons behind a parent’s stance. Engage in open-ended discussions to understand their perspective. Show empathy and genuine concern.

4. Brainstorm Strategies: Emotions can run high during negotiations, particularly within family dynamics. Shift focus from conflicts to collaborative problem-solving. Encourage creative thinking and explore multiple potential solutions.

5. Third-Party Involvement: If resolution remains elusive, consider involving a neutral third party, like a mediator or healthcare professional. External input can provide a fresh perspective and facilitate productive discussions.

Applying these strategies can lead to more effective communication, allowing families to navigate challenging decisions while preserving relationships and respecting the autonomy and dignity of aging parents. As the Northwestern University research advances, caregivers and professionals alike stand to benefit from enhanced tools and approaches to address the complexities of eldercare.

To read the full article by Judith Graham on KFFhealthnews.org, visit: Negotiate with Resistant Aging Parents: Applying Business Strategies.

Calling Aging Parents, the “New Children” is demeaning and ageist.

July 10, 2020 /

A recent Fox Business News report that otherwise does an admirable job of discussing the challenges faced by families with aging parents nevertheless steps over the line with the title of its report. While likely unintentional, the title of the story – “Aging parents are the new ‘children’ | Fox Business – is demeaning to older adults who are already fighting to preserve their dignity and overcome ageist attitudes towards them.

Referring to aging parents as “children” instead of simply older adults, or adults with limitations, reinforces negative stereotypes about older people that have been shown to contribute to their poor health and more rapid decline.

A 2015 article in the Journal of Geriatrics titled, Stereotypes of Aging: Their Effects on the Health of Older Adults, discusses several studies that affirm the health benefits of healthy age stereotypes (messaging) as well as the harmful effects of negative stereotypes. For example, subjects primed with more negative stereotypes such as sick, needy, dependent, burdensome, and childlike,  were more likely to suffer from memory loss, hypertension, coronary disease, and depression, than subjects primed with positive messaging such as wise, valuable, experienced. Those who were exposed to negative stereotypes at home died on average seven years before those who received positive reinforcement.

Nearly all of the world’s wisdom traditions include honoring the old as a core tenant of belief and practice. Negative stereotypes and demeaning labels such as being called a child does little to bring honor to those whose guidance, advice, comfort, affirmation, and support we earnestly sought for years.

Otherwise, the report contains a lot of useful tips for families.

Source: Aging parents are the new ‘children’ | Fox Business

Seven Conversation Starters to Initiate Talks about Money with Your Parents

July 23, 2019 /

The question I am most often asked is “How do I begin the conversation with my  parents?” I always answer, “Very carefully.” The truth is there is no one best way to begin the conversation. So much of it depends on circumstances and personality. Circumstances – usually health issues – may be at such a crisis point that you simply must take action with or without your parents’ approval – either by asserting your authority as attorney-in-fact under a valid Power of Attorney, or by seeking a court ordered guardianship or conservatorship. Your proximity to your parents, sibling agreement over what needs to be done (or the lack thereof), whether both parents are living, and the complexity of your parents’ financial affairs are just a few of the circumstances to consider. You also need to act quickly if you begin to notice impulsive spending or investment decisions.

Personality and family dynamics are also factors, and the relationship between child and parent doesn’t always make a lot of sense. Your eighty- eight year old father may still view you as the “baby” of the family even if you are sixty-two years old and have raised a family, managed a medical practice or a business of your own, and are practically retired yourself. You are the baby and you always will be. So before you begin the conversation in the first place, you might want to talk to a family counselor, their personal physician, or clergy member before you set yourself up for resentment. It’s okay if you are not the one to initiate the conversation.

Nevertheless, here are some ideas on getting the conversation rolling that you can try out.

  1. The “I’ve got this friend” technique. This ice-breaker allows you to set up a hypothetical situation involving a real or fictitious friend who is wondering how to talk to their parents about money. It starts something like this: “Mom (Dad), I’ve got this friend who needs to ask her parents some personal questions about their finances, but isn’t sure how to ask. What should I tell her?” Chances are your folks will be on to this one soon after you ask it, and hopefully you can turn it into a good laugh by your honest confession that the “friend” is you. Once the chuckle is over, you can come back to it with a “Well…what would you say?” and just let them talk.
  2. Ask how their friends are doing. Once your parents pass the age of seventy-five, chances are they will be attending more friends’ funerals or visiting more friends in nursing homes. You probably will have known these friends for a long time yourself, as well as the children of these friends. While remaining sensitive to the situation, use these events to ask how their friends are doing. Something like, “Mom, now that Jane is widowed, who is watching out for her?” Or “Dad, it’s sad to see your friend Sam lose his independence like that. Does he have children close by who can help with his business?”
  3. Ask for help with your own finances. If your parents are past seventy, this means you’re probably past forty and are making some important financial decisions yourself. Asking for Dad’s advice on preparing your will or how to invest your retirement funds can go a long way to opening up a dialogue on his own business. Maybe your dad is fully capable of managing his finances now, but this conversation can ease the next one when the time comes for you to be a little more inquisitive.
  4. Use the headlines. Unfortunately, the headlines can give you a lot of ammunition to use to open a conversation about your parents’ finances. All you have to do is google the phrase “financial abuse of elders” and you’ll be provided with dozens of sites and news articles about the vulnerability of seniors for financial scams and high-pressure sales tactics. Print out one of these articles, or clip one from your local newspaper and show it to them. Use an opener like, “I doubt this could ever happen to you, but…” Their response will tell you how open or closed they are to the subject.
  5. Movies are great ice breakers. If your parents’ sight and hearing haven’t diminished, a good movie that deals with the subject of aging is a great ice breaker. One caveat, don’t use movies that are too dramatic or serious. Humorous movies are better at breaking down barriers to talking about this. Also, be sensitive to ratings that may not be comfortable for a generation that may see many of today’s PG-13 movies as too “racy”.
  6. Try point blank honesty. If your parents are cut-to-the-chase kind of folks, then just try being upfront with them. “Mom and Dad, you’re both getting older and quite frankly, you’re not as sharp as you used to be. If something happens to either or both of you, I don’t know where to find your wills, or even where all your accounts are.” You may be surprised at how open they are willing to be if you show a compassionate yet firm resolve.
  7. Ask about their advisors. If your parents use a financial advisor, ask for an introduction, or for permission to attend their next meeting with him or her. Sometimes advisors will be hesitant out of privacy concerns since they are bound to certain confidentiality standards. Getting written permission from your parents that the advisor is free to discuss their situation with you will generally alleviate these concerns.

However you begin the conversation and no matter the reception you get, the point is that the adult child is (and should be) the first line of defense for his or her parents just as they were (or should have been) your first line of defense growing up. Perhaps your past was more tumultuous, and perhaps your present is not conducive to you taking on the responsibility now. But you can be an advocate, and you can be involved to ensure that their financial affairs continue to provide security and dignity in their twilight years.

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