I hold power of attorney for my mother. She's 89 years old and for the last two years, she has had a close companionship with "Stanley," a widower in the retirement community she lives in. Lately when we've discussed her future care needs, Stanley has been present and has bristled at the idea of Mom moving into assisted living or skilled care, even suggesting she move in with him. I'm concened that Stanley could talk her into removing me as power of attorney and naming himself. If so, what can I do to protect her?
First, your mother’s happiness is undoubtedly important, but so too is ensuring that her interests are protected as she navigates this vulnerable time in her life.
So, take a deep breath. This is a common concern that many family members face, and you’re not alone in dealing with these situations that involve both touchy and practical issues.
Understanding the Situation
Relationships can flourish in unexpected ways, and companionship at an advanced age can bring joy and comfort. Our human need for companionship and intimacy does not fade with age. However, it’s crucial to recognize the potential for undue influence—when someone may take advantage of a vulnerable individual’s situation to gain benefits or control over their decisions. This becomes especially relevant when discussing legal matters such as power of attorney, which grants someone the authority to make decisions on behalf of another individual.
Undue influence can manifest when a person uses their relationship with an individual to sway them into making decisions that may not align with their genuine desires or best interests. In your mother’s case, it might be concerning if Stanley is pressuring her to make changes that could undermine your role as her power of attorney.
Assessing Capacity and Consent
Another key component in these situations is understanding your mother’s capacity to make decisions. Legal capacity is defined as the ability to understand and appreciate the consequences of one’s decisions. For your mother to legally change her power of attorney, she must have the capacity to comprehend what that means.
Consent is another concept and is implied in every contract. One way to distinguish between capacity and consent is that capacity is possessed, whereas consent is given, and one must possess capacity in order to give consent.
If you’re unsure about her capacity to make such decisions, you might consider discussing her situation with her doctor or a geriatric care manager. They can help assess whether she fully understands her choices. This is a delicate conversation, so approach it gently and ensure she feels supported.
Communicating Openly
As adult children, we often assume the role of protectors, which is entirely natural when it comes to our parents. However, an open line of communication with your mother is crucial. Instead of coming from a place of suspicion or patronizing, frame your concerns as part of your love and commitment to her well-being. Let her know that you admire the companionship she has with Stanley but that you’re worried about potential pressures regarding her care decisions.
Here are a few tips for having this conversation:
Choose the Right Time and Place: Find a quiet moment where you can talk without interruptions. Make it a safe space for her to share her feelings.
Be Honest, Yet Gentle: Use “I” statements to express your feelings—like “I feel concerned when I think about your future care.”
Listen to Her: It’s just as important to understand her perspective and feelings about Stanley and what he represents to her.
Establishing Safeguards
If you still have concerns about Stanley’s influence, there are practical steps you can take to safeguard your mother’s interests:
Legal Consultation: Consider speaking to an elder law attorney. They can provide advice specific to your situation and help you understand the legal frameworks regarding powers of attorney.
Regular Check-Ins: Ensure that you have scheduled regular visits and check-ins with your mother. The more you engage and communicate, the fewer opportunities Stanley may have to influence her without your knowledge.
Document Concerns: If you genuinely believe your mother is being unduly influenced, keep a journal of your observations. Documenting instances or discussions can be vital if legal action becomes necessary.
- Diffuse Tensions: Engage both your mother and Stanley in an honest conversation. It sounds like she’s wanted him there for previous discussions about her care, which means she trusts him, so diffuse any tension between the three of you by including him in future conversations. That may reveal more about his intentions and help you decide what actions need to be taken.
Knowing When to Act
If you determine that Stanley’s influence is diminishing your mother’s ability to make independent decisions, it may be necessary to act. While you don’t want to alienate her by coming off as controlling or dismissive of her feelings, you must prioritize her well-being. If you suspect undue influence or muddled capacity, you may need to seek legal intervention to protect her interests.
Your heart is in the right place, wanting to ensure your mom’s safety and happiness. Remember, love and support often make the biggest difference as you work through this.
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